I’m an 87% match with even sven. I thought it’d be much higher. That’s actually low compared to some other Doper women I’ve looked at.
even sven, you have to stop worrying about how people are going to react or relate to your stories. I think they sound interesting and the only foreign country I’ve been to is Canada. If they can’t relate, they’re not for you. I remember you talking about dumbing yourself down for men. It’s okay to be you, want what you want. Don’t settle down if you’re only doing because it’s expected.
I think you need to up your dating age, to say 38.
I’ve come across your profile before and it sounds fine to me and I would have sent you a message if I was in your age range. You might want to publicly answer more questions as that will give people a better insight into your personality. They may not be the best, but they do help me decide more if I want to send a message or not.
Your political views are fairly repugnant to me, so I was hoping you were dog-fugly (hey, I’m an asshole). Turns out you’re pretty cute though.
Don’t worry about dating, you are in grad school–those types of environments tend to make things happen faster (or at least it works that way in law school). I bet you’re engaged before you finish your degree to a guy you know right now.
Why do you think of your stories of international travel as a bad thing in the dating world? Everyone I know who does that kind of work (I have several friends and relatives who work overseas) is always the life of the party and has incredibly interesting stories. They aren’t going to tourist friendly areas either, they are usually in really dangerous places (2 of them are actually in Baghdad right now.) No one has ever been repulsed by their stories and most people go out of their way to spend time with them because they are so interesting to be around. I think you will surprised at how well most men will take to your experiences.
I think I remember you, in another thread or two, saying that you felt the need to ‘dumb yourself down’ in order to be more appealing to men (or at least the type of men you were pursuing at the time)?
Well, even if that wasn’t you - don’t do that! And add me to the chorus of people saying you don’t need to be wary of letting people know you’ve traveled and done some things off the beaten path. Men who are threatened by your intelligence, or the fact that your life hasn’t been just like theirs for the past 10 years, should not be an option. There are many who will find these things very attractive.
Your political views are fairly in line with mine, which is why I thought we’d have a higher match %. Its your globetrekking and my staying in my hometown mostly that drags it down. If you are really wanting to settle down, I’m willing to relocate to DC. There is at least one thing Rand Rover and I agree on, though (and it’s not hoping you were dog-fugly)
For one, you could try not to assume that people won’t be able to relate to you just because you’ve had some experiences that differ from the norm. What is so complex about your Christmas experience in China that someone would not be handle that? Seriously, nothing about that anecdote struck me as incomprehensible. Unless you’re planning on dating men who have never lived outside the borders of their parents’ zip code and didn’t advance past the 8th grade, you should be able to find someone who can listen to you talk about your life overseas without feeling overwhelmed, intimidated, or alienated. I’m assuming you’re aiming for smart men at least, no?
Secondly, you’re more than just your Peace Corps credentials. If you can’t talk about yourself for longer than 30 minutes at a stretch without referencing the time you were in Africa and Asia, then you will be unrelatable. But only because boring one-trick ponies are unrelatable.
It seems like you’re really overthinking the question of when and how to introduce your past “overseas life” to men. This is not like a baby you had when you were 15 and gave to your grandmother to raise or something, requiring you to give the guy full and immediate disclosure about it. So what that you lived in another country for a couple of years, doing non-profit work? So many people in DC can say the same thing that it really makes no sense to even sweat this.
Just FYI, I’ve done a good amount of overseas travel and have had some cool experiences in my 33 years of life. These experiences have shaped how I think of the world and myself, not unlike what you experienced. But of all the things to worry about when it comes to dating, the last thing I’m concerned about is how a prospective partner will be able to relate to my stories about combatting rabies in 3rd world countries. If I did find myself worried about something that, then it would be wake up call that either my interests and conversational range are too narrow, or that my expectations are way too low for the men I’m trying to date.
This is the advice I was going to give. You don’t wanna get married? DON’T. There’s no stigma with single women anymore, you don’t have to hook up with a lad so your babymaker can get going if you don’t want to. I plan on dating/hooking up forever, until I find a girl I get along with well enough to live with. Then if we live together long enough we’ll get married for tax purposes. That could be 1, 5, or 40 years from now, I don’t care.
Filter, the insecurity is a new thing, and has an origin. I used to swear by a super-short home grown haircut, sensible flats, and no effort to look attractive to men. I just did whatever the heck I wanted, and figured the boys could like it or leave it. It was a good way to do things and I’m sure the confidence was attractve, but I’ve lost that naivity. It seems pretty clear to me that guys make an effort for women who have the whole package, and looks are a key part of the package. And it is kind of fun. My whole life I’ve been proudly geeky and weird and purposefuly stood out of the mainstream, and just now I’m discovering that all those cheerleaders or whatever had something that was fun, too.
The “prize,” actually isn’t a relationship. I guess it’s power. Having guys to choose from. Being the one to set the tone of the relationship. Being able to do whatever while guys chase after me. Not falling in love more than he does. Being forgiven when I screw up. It sounds pretty bad when I put it like that, but you are what you are.
I guess there are two things going on. Dating indefinately sounds fun, but it seems doomed to get a lot less fun as I get older. The harsh truth is men will date women much younger than themselves, but not much older. Not only do options narrow from that (and them getting married off) but I’ll be competeing with an ever-increasing pool of younger women that I’m always growing less attractive compared to. If my goal is steady sex, it’s going to get increaseingly harder.
And I would like to have a family, and it’d be really nice to share that with someone. I’ve been all over the world alone, and I’m starting to want someone to share these great things with.
So it seems like I have to figure out what I want, read that book, realize I have some lingering reintegration issues, and focus on casual dating for at least the first few months until I know what I want. And see what happens with Eduardo but don’t spend energy thinking about.
Sounds good. I know there are lots of issues here. Part of this thread was to figure out what issues I can try to work out here so that I’m in good shape when I get back.
I don’t know why you’re feeling awkward about saying you spent 4 years in the Peace Corp in Africa and China. Based on my experience at grad school after 4 years in China, reactions were usually “that’s nice” and the subtext was “that’s about all I need to hear”, sometimes people were pretty interested, and sometimes they just found it incomprehensible. I don’t see the big deal, and it’s just good to get it out of the way with everything else (grew up in Cali, majored in blah as an undergrad somewhere, spent 4 years in the Peace Corp, and now second year here in grad school. How about you?
Not quite sure how to say this on a message board. Date and have fun without overthinking if this person is the one for the long term. A zen approach. Certainly don’t lead with my ticking bio clock. And corny as it sounds I’d say lead with being yourself instead of this “total package” concept. I mean, you can make an effort to be more of a complete package but if it’s too unnatural it won’t work and you won’t be happy with yourself either. Again, it’s a message board, but you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself you need to get married rather than being open to it, if that makes sense.
Basically, what you with the face said. Do you have any other interests? Books? Music? Food? Gambling? That’s how you relate to people.
A few months after I got divorced, I dated a chick who had spent the better part of her 20’s working in the theater, meaning at one point or another, she’d lived in Paris, London, New York, Seattle, Chicago, Boston, Prague, Moscow, and SF.
I live in the same small Midwestern city I was born in, and haven’t had a vacation longer than two weeks since I was a kid.
Somehow, we hit it off just fine. Got along great, in fact. I broke it off because I wasn’t ready to get serious. We’re still friends.
We spent maybe 5% of the time talking about her itinerant life, and maybe another 5% talking about my lucrative and satisfying career, and the other 90% of the time bullshitting about James Joyce and acerbic country blues and whiskey and the shitty cajun place we ate at on our first date and the movie Shakes The Clown.
Sven - I should introduce you to my brother. He’s in the PC right now, in Kenya, and is a super nice, and interesting guy. He might be too young for you though (25). And also, um, he’s in Africa…
Especially in DC, you have nothing to worry about regarding your travels. Your experience is very typical of people getting started in international development. The only problem is if in person you come across exclusively as defining yourself as well-traveled and that is all that you want to talk about.
Make more friends working in international development in DC and you will actually realize that your travel experiences are quite boring compared to those who are flitting about Iraq, Benghazi, Juba and other conflict zones these days. In DC, you travels are the equivalent of spending a summer in Europe. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think you’ll find hardly anyone cares; or they only care if they have been to the same place and want to share notes. Best of luck!
This is totally false. Many of the ideas you’ve expressed in this thread are totally false. You seem quite confused.
Perhaps you could just relax about everything a little. You’re coming across as a bit of a head case - like ‘I’m such a unique snowflake no one could possibly relate to me, what am I going to do.’
Seriously - lots of people have travelled. It’s really not a big deal unless you decide to make it one.
Taking both of these comments together, I am struck by an impression: you will be ready for a longer conversation when you no longer treat one as a competition or a monologue.
Actually, statistically it’s true - the people at OK Cupid have a cool blog that shows some of the stats they’ve gathered, and that is definitely a pattern. Of course, individuals may vary, but on the whole men tend to date younger (and actually date much younger than they profess to be looking for.)
