Bear_Napples attends uh weddin'! (Prepare to say "Holy Crap"... A lot)

Last Saturday was the magic day folks. As promised, I did attend the wedding. And I have stories and pictures for all. I will pick up the pictures from Wal-Mart and post them after it quits raining and my car dries off. Yeah, I left the top down again. Damnit!!! I just got rid of that mildew smell…

Anyway, here’s the story. It might get long, but I promise what follows is the most awful backwoods wedding, countless acts of tackyness and tons of insensitive greed!

Remember that I only went to this thing for you guys. So be appreciative!

What to Wear
I desperately wanted to show up in cut-off camo shorts and a combed cotton tanktop, but Joy ( of Steave Joy) would not allow it. I pleaded and explained that everyone would be dressed this way!! She said I at least had to wear pants. So I found a vintage pair of Levi’s 567 jeans (thanks Zette) complete with faded legs and a hole in my knee. I completed the ensemble with a button up shirt to be “all formal like”. Despite my best efforts, I could not leave the house without wearing black socks, but I didn’t kiwi my shoes.

Getting There
It’s a good idea to provide directions on your wedding invitations. I believe the point of directions are so your guests do not have to look on a map. Why, oh why then, would a person start her directions at some unknown intersection??? If someone was going to give me directions to their house in Jacksonville, a good place to start would be with some exit off I-10 or I-95. That makes since. If someone gave me directions to their house in Michigan, I would never have to use a map provided they started with “Some Road” and I-75. Though I’ve never been there, I wouldn’t need a map. I’d have directions. This makes sense to everyone else, right?
The directions start with “SR 54 and Little Road”. Crap people… do I have to describe the insignifigance of “Little Rd”?? So I had to ask someone which way to turn on SR 54 to get to Little Rd. No big deal.
But the directions say to go SOUTH on Little Rd. I find out later (not quite too late, but I had to make a U-Turn) that it should read NORTH!! Christ, she can’t even get the directions correct?? So I’m driving down the last street on her directions and I get to US Highway 19. US 19?!? A major freaking artery in Florida! So, basically, all her directions had to say was “1234 New York Ave. From State Road 54 and US Highway 19, go one block NORTH to New York Ave. Go West one block to Church of God.” :Sigh:

It gets worse, I promise.
I arrive at 12:50, ten minutes before the bride and groom are scheduled to walk down the isle. There are two cars already in the parking lot. One is my mother. The other is the pastor. It’s only ten minutes early!! My mom arrived 20 minutes early. The pastor, God Bless him, showed up at 9:30 in the morning at the request of the bride. She asked him to please get there three hours early so they could set up and decorate. He’d been at the church waiting all that time and never heard even a word from the bride. How nice of her.
1:00 roles around and people finally start showing up. It was like a car show for station wagons and trucks with huge tires. Primer seemed to be the color of choice! Several were making the statement that “Rust is the new Primer” but I’m not sure if it will catch on.

Wedding Time
2:00 arrives and we’re all told to go inside the church. We had been standing outside all this time talking and having some wine. Woohoo, let’s get this thing over with!

Not so fast!
After waiting about 15 minutes inside, we’re told that the bride forgot the flowers for the bridesmaids and groomsmen or whatever. She has to go back to the house to get them. Holy Crap! It’s about this time that my mind just starts to wander. Why call it “Church of God”? Is there any other kind??? Isn’t that kind of redundant?

Ok, for real this time
The organ lady got on stage and soothed us with the pipes to keep us distracted from the fact that it was now close to 3:00! But they all finally showed up. They walked down the isle. The pastor, who stuttered a lot, mixed up words and started one part over, lead them through their vows and finished up the ceremony in under 12 minutes. From the flower girl to the “May I present to you…” was less than twelve minutes long!!! And that included some candle lighting crap. So we waited over two hours (five for the pastor) for a 12 minute ceremony.
I dont think I have to go into the lame ceremony. It was very “check the box”; very plain and simple. In attendance was not the 300 she had hoped (300 because that’s a whole lot of money and presents), but merely a dozen and a half tops. And I think that includes the wedding party.
Two particular things that stood out to me were the fact that the flours we waited over an hour for were FAKE, and everyone in the party with a black tux had on white sox.

Signing the Gues Book
Yes!! I signed it Bear Napples!!!

Time to Party
I think I was the first to make it to the “backyard reception”. The bride arrived shortly there after and the first thing she did was take off her shoes. Maybe they were hurting her, but what a sight is a bride holding up her train in the dirt, barefoot with ankle tatoos. Add to that her wine of choice - Bud Light! It just didn’t go well together: dirt, bare feet, wedding dress, Bud Light. She and the groom were taking their “classic” type pictures together. She had her train all stretched out with the plastice flowers on top of it. He was holding her and smiling and they had their arms around each other’s back. And from the rear, one could see they each held a beer bottle. After their pictures, they quickly got out of their formal wear and into something more comfortable. I guess shorts and no shoes is very comfortable.

The Scene
It was a rather large yard. I’ll be able to show it a little better with the pictures, but it was complete with broken cars on blocks and small wooden fence for the fellas to stand by and drink beer. Shoes and even SHIRTS were optional. I even have pictures of a baby covered with only a diaper and as much dirt as his body would hold. I was able to capture the shots of him drinking stagnant water out of some bucket right next to his mother! How nice!

The Food
The invitations said “Bring a covered dish” My mother brought a fruit salad. Some random lady actually got pissed at her for dishing out fruit to the kids. Who the hell has a problem with their child eating healthy?? This lady yelled at her kids for having too much fruit. She said he needs other stuff too. So she throws on some corn chips and dip!!! Holy Crap lady! And she was really pissed about the fruit thing. To this day, this whole thing boggles my mind! This lady was obviously not into fitness or healthy eating, but to force your kids to eat a “variet” of junk food? I am bewildered!! She mentioned something about “Them kids are going to my house after this so don’t be giving them all that fruit!” Maybe she was worried about the sugar making them hyper??? What a bitch she was!
The kids dug into that bowl of fruit like Somalians at a Red Cross tent. It was as if they never had such a food. The reason my mom dished out the fruit in the first place was to keep the childrens’ dirty hands from getting all over it.
The deep fried (of course) turkey was good, as was the BBQ steak. What was missing? Hmmmmmm salt? I am not a salt lover. I would never have noticed, but my mom adds it to everything! She asked where the salt is.
“There isn’t any”, stated the host.
So my uncle was like, “You don’t use salt? You don’t like it?”
“No, we just can’t afford it!” :eek: How one can afford cases of beer and huge ass steaks and not salt is another thing that has me boggled.

If you’re expecting three hundred guests at your home, wouldn’t you think it might be a good idea to buy some toilet paper? The fact that only 20 or so were there makes me think they should have had a surplus of the stuff! But not even a single roll!!! WTF! This is a wedding party!!

As promised, insensitive greed
You think I shouldn’t make fun of rednecks and trailor trash? Well there is no excuse for this:
I begged my mother not to give the bride any money. If she was going to give her anything at all, please make it a “gift”. And something the 8 kids could use. But she gave her $100 dollars anyway. Good 'ole Aunt Joy.
I have this other uncle who did not have anything to give. So he asked nicely to borrow some money from my mom. She gave him $50 to give to the bride with a card. This guy lives in a freakin motel for crying out loud, he obviously doesn’t have much to give. The bride takes the card without even reading it and looks at the money. “Oh, you could have given me a little more than that”. And she chuckled as if it was some kind of joke!! I gave her exactly what she deserved. Nothing.

She’s an irresponsible greedy whore. The pastor performed the services for free, and I later found out that he does what he can to take care of her kids and take collections and feed them out of the church’s emergency food stock and such. She ONLY attends that church for the handouts. She no doubt learned that trick from an aunt of mine who would send her kids to church for the hand outs!!
Sorry this couldn’t be funnier! I wish I was able to be more descriptive and I didn’t want this to turn into a rant. When I get the pictures posted, you will be able to see what I saw!! If you ever saw a bad wedding, it can’t even come close to this!!!

And that was the wedding… as promised. I’ll post more if the pictures remind me of other stuff!

Oh my. (I take it you didn’t actually intend this to end up in GQ :slight_smile: )

While the behaviour of the bride and company was certainly reprehensible, I think you could have gone a bit more out of your way to wear something nicer than torn jeans.


This thread caught my attention BN and I was eagerly awaiting the update!! Now I’m just a little sad. :frowning: I think I’m gonna go hug my kitty…who is more spoiled than that lady’s dirty mostly naked baby who drank the bad water. Ugh…I feel ill. Poor baby. Poor BN.

Correct!! I DID NOT intend for that to happen. In fact, I was just looking all over for this thing in MPSIMS. I guess putting it in GQ is not as bad as having lost it, which is what I thought happened.

Also, AFA the clothes go you’re absolutely right! Two wrongs don’t make a right. But the parts about people shirtless and shoeless at the reception was not hyperbole. And people wore shorts and dirty shirts to the wedding itself. Being poor does not mean you can’t have a clean shirt.
With that said, I actually looked nice. I really like those jeans and my outfit was not half bad. I dress like that a lot when I’m just being casual. I considered this wedding to be casual.

OneYogini, yeah it doesn’t quite have the comedic value I wanted it to. If I actually had feelings, I almost wouldn’t be able to laugh over this at all.

Crappy Wedding Inviations = Funny
Crappy Wedding = Lame
Crappy Wedding Reception with Dirty Little Kids = Sad.

Can’t afford SALT??

I think this is the wierdest part. It’s like 35 cents for a big thing of it! WTF??

Holy shit-can’t someone call DCF on her about the kids? That’s just awful!

The part about the fruit…that’s just sad.

Why in the world would someone call the DCF? It does not sound like the kids are neglected or abused. In some situations, kids get dirty. They can be given a bath. Children need to get dirty and, yes, even eat dirt. Studies have linked ultracleanliness and increased use of antibacterial agents in the home to increased autoimmune disorders such as lupus.

And as far as the food choices go, the children do not (from the description given) seem to be malnourished. In all likelyhood the children may well be offered fruit but a fruit salad is a whole different animal than a single apple or orange. In a perfect world all parents would feed their children a well balanced healthy diet, but getting the government involved and taking the children away is not the answer. Something to think about–the government regulates school lunches for nutritional value.

Oh yeah… I remember that wedding! Here’s a picture of the bride.

Ahem! :stuck_out_tongue:

You could have given them the MRE’s. :slight_smile: Where there enough rocks or something?

And hey, those have more salt than what you were eating!

Really weird the woman who didn’t like the kid to eat fruit. You’d think she’d be glad that the kid is getting something good.

If those children are unaccustomed to fresh fruit and they eat a lot at once, they may get a touch of the runs. Perhaps she didn’t want to deal with a houseful of kids with no toilet paper and urgent bathroom needs.

I was thinking that same thing. I’m related to some trailer park types (step sisters) and they would limit the amount of fruit their kids could eat because of that very reason. These are the same people who would bop their kids right on top of the head for misbehaving. [Kid eats fruit. Whack! Kid drops fruit and runs off for potato chip, crying. Mom sez, "Shaddup er I’ll give ya sumthin to cry about. Dogzilla moves to Florida shortly afterward.]

My father is well known amongst my “steps” for his health food obsession. He once bought a bunch of different grains in bulk (50 lb. bags) and a grinder. He created this 7-grain flour that was more like oatmeal in texture, and proceeded to make pancakes one morning. I was used to this sort of thing, ate half a pancake and declared that it tasted like ass. My stepsister brings over one of her demonspawn for my stepmonster to watch. Dad feeds demonspawn a pancake. Demonspawn has never eaten any thing except chicken nuggets and french fries. “It’s the only thing he’ll eat,” whines my stepsister. Demonspawn loves 7-grain pancake, which cleaned out his entire lower digestive tract. Demonspawn was only about 2. My vivid recollection of the 7-grain pancake day was watching this kid run across the backyard with liquid poo streaming out of his diaper. I believe my stepmonster had to hose him off in the backyard several times before he was empty enough to take into the house and put clean clothes on him. Lord knows what would have happened had my father fed the kid fruit! :rolleyes:

I’m anxiously looking forward to seeing the pictures.

Bear_Napples (I can’t help it!) thanks for letting us know how it went. Unfortunately, it went just how I pictured it would. I feel for the kids. I want to hug that pastor for looking after them.

But hey, at least the bride and groom had sense enough to hide their beers behind their backs for the formal wedding pictures. Gotta give em some credit for class. :smiley:

I can’t wait to see the pictures.

Just want to say that as I first glanced at the Thread title I read it as:

Bare Nipples attends uh weddin’!

Funny enough that wouldn’t have been an inaccurate description! :eek:

Me, I’m wonderin’ if the groom had these lyrics running through his head:

[incomplete lyrics]

Oh help me, please mama, I’m sick’ning
It’s today that’s the day of the plunge
Oh the gal I’m to marry
Is a bow-legged sow
I’ve been soakin’ up drink like a sponge


Priorities, man. You gotta have your priorities.

Yeah, that’s what I can’t get past. I buy plain old salt a lot (I use it to make play-dough for my nursery school class), and I can usually get the generic store-brand salt on sale, 3 for $1.00, those big round containers. Can’t afford salt? Whatever.

And I think kittenblue and Dogzilla are right about Fruit-Hating Mom. If the kids don’t get much fresh fruit, it probably gives them the runs.
Hey, she gave them corn chips! Corn’s a vegetable, right? That makes it healthy! :smack:

And Bear Napples, I soooo disappointed that you didn’t wear a t-shirt printed to look like a tuxedo. You woulda been really fancy then!

Holy Crap!

What? Mr. Napples told me to say it. BTW I may have missed but was there a Mrs. Napples that accompanied you or did you “effeminate” yourself to become Mr. Mrs. Napples

Aw. I was laughing it up until I read the part about the toddler drinking from the stagnant water.

I’m eagerly awaiting the pictures.

I really enjoyed reading this- what a classic!