So your partner should be satisfied that even though they just provided you with the as usual, sub-par sex, you still like other things about them? Doesn’t sound very comforting to me.
And again, if you’re in my bed, it can be safely said that you’re accepted. I don’t need to find you perfect from all points of view to accept you.
Nope. It implies a subjective standard about the specific thing you asked about.
And who said I don’t have any appreciation for that person qualities? The issue here isn’t that I don’t appreciate her qualities, but that I’m supposed to tell her, on her insistence, that I appreciate qualities she doesn’t have.
What else? Telling her she’s perfect in everything? And then dumping her the next week because of the sub-par sex? Or enduring the sub-par sex for the years to come?
That’s better than telling her “you know, by the way, regarding sex…”?
If I’m supposed to go by the golden rule, why, yes, I should tell her about the sub par sex, because comforting or not, I’d rather be told about my sub-par sexual abilities than being suddenly dumped because of them or living for months or years in a delusion that someday collapses.
A I wrote already, how could I trust her if she doesn’t tell me the truth about her feelings?
A last thing. I just asked the woman I had already mentioned about this issue of brutal honesty. She said :
[QUOTE=someone I care about]
I wouldn’t advise it for everybody. But when you reach the point where you can be completely raw and honest with someone without fear of being judged, it feels really good.
[/QUOTE]
Because I don’t think the woman in the OP was fishing for a compliment. To be honest, it sounds like she felt maybe self-conscious about the sex–as Lamia noted upthread, maybe she was feeling tight down there/had some discomfort, maybe she was worried it hadn’t been good for him. I don’t think you have to tell your partner they’re perfect, but maybe saying she has a spacious vagina, especially right after you’ve been inside said vagina, isn’t the best post-sex statement.
I can see where it would be fun to be able to be judgmental without being judged in return.
Are you assuming that it’s the case?
And why replacing “being honest” by “being judgemental”?
Even though what she said is a bit different from what I was discussing in this thread, the general idea is the same. If both partners can be fully honest, you neither fear to express your feelings nor wonder what the other truly thinks. As everything, it comes at a cost : you might have your ego bruised from time to time. But there’s no better way to build trust IMO.
I agree on the being fully honest with your partner, clairobscur. In fact, nothing you’ve said sounds objectionable to me at all. But you’ve said it in a thread where someone is being brutally honest, not fully honest. There’s a big difference there. I know you’ve brought in your commentary as a response to some other posters comments and that forum discussions evolve, but this one was just tainted from the start IMO
There’s also a difference between someone seeking reassurance, someone seeking absolute truth and someone fishing for compliments. And each of those have different fully truthful answers. I think the OP is in a different basket altogether.
Yup. There are miles of difference between “wash the toothpaste of the sink when you’re done brushing, fer Chrissake!” and “Wow, your cunt reminds me of the Grand Canyon.”
(emphasis added)
I notice she said: "when you reach the point where you can be completely raw" – suggests from my perception that this level of trust is something you can and should work towards. That’s different IMO from:
which (at least to me) created an impression the “being completely raw” was being perhaps unconsciously testing the other person’s mettle up front, like an expectation that anyone worthy should be already able to take “completely raw” from a cold start.
“I want to be able to be brutally honest with you without you judging me for it.” That’s what we’re talking about, right?
So, what is this “brutal honesty” about if it’s not something brutal (but honest!) said about the other person? Can you think of something you’d say is a “brutally honest” thing to say that is not judgmental?
The examples you’ve given sound pretty judgmental to me: sub-par sexual abilities, looking fat in those pants, not a candidate for motherhood, fishing for undeserved compliments, etc. And of course the OP’s quip is pretty high up there as well. So, that’s what I’m going off of.
I don’t know how you would know it is truly sub-par the first time. First time sex is usually not the best sex. It gets better with getting to know the person.
He should clearly have serenaded her with this song.
Aw man, you missed a golden opportunity to tell her it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Or like a wizard’s sleeve.
If you wanted to continue to have sex with her in spite of her cavernous vagina, what on earth could be your motive for such brutal honesty?
When I was a young girl, my mother was in a relationship with an abusive man. I often heard him tell my mom how unattractive she was. Even though I was young, I wondered why he wanted to be with a woman he found so unattractive. But I know why my mom stayed. He had convinced her that it was true.
I’ve never know anyone who prided themselves on “brutal honesty” who was free with compliments. Sometimes I think that’s because they were cynical bastards who never saw anything in anyone worth complimenting, and other times I think they were sadistic assholes who enjoyed causing pain but not pleasure.
As I said at the very start of the thread, I don’t think it’s the honesty that’s the problem. My husband and I are honest with each other. It’s just that in all honesty, we find each other pretty amazing.
Well duh…
Your just finding out that women are sensitive about their bodies and sex and if you start commenting on say her butt is too big or her genitals smell bad or she doesnt give oral very well then…
BTW, she probably has the same opinion of you.
Thing is you need to both enjoy both each others bodies just as they are.
I like that. I wish more people genuinely took that kind of pleasure in their partners. I remember we had another thread a few years back with an OP wondering how he could compliment his partner and still remain honest–like how to get around saying beautiful. It boggled my mind then that someone could feel that way about a partner, and it still does.
So, is anything that isn’t positive “judgmental”? IOW, what kind of criticism of your partner can you make without being judgmental?
And secondly, when should you not lie to your partner when he’s enquiring?
For instance, if he’s irresponsible with money, lazy, socially clueless, a bad driver, has no sense of humour, drinks too much, is unreasonably jealous, whatever…would you say it’s judgmental to tell him so? Shoud you lie about it to spare his feelings?
And how much of your own feelings are you willing to hide in order to be nice? When will you tell him about what you really think? Should you tell him that you love him even when you don’t just because you had sex with him, as a poster suggested?