Well, I may not have anything left to say, that subject is so very descriptive. But in case you are single and pining away for a mate on valentine’s day, don’t.
It is just a day to remind you how abysmally fucking un-romantic your relationship is/has become/always was/will be. Oh, guess we have to get each other the obligatory card/candy/whatever. Yeh. Whoopee.
The last time I got all tidied up and put on some nice clothes to go somewhere with my husband, he said, and I am not making this up, “Are you trying to look nice?”
Yeh, thanks, buttwipe.
Hrmph. It is best to think of it as just another day until it passes.
Heavy sigh for the first Valentines day since the towel hit the mat.
You know, I agree on the post, but I just want to look on the broit soid.
If given the opportunity, I would never give up the comfort of my “just another (Valentines) day.” No fuckin way I would trade it for the stink of desperation that wafts off of my single friends as the day draws near.
YAK! PTuey! It’s worse than New Years!
Anyway, I might get a card made on the computer and we’ll probably have some efficient coitus… but it’s cool. We’re alright, our kids are alright and it’s all good.
The romance lags… eh, it happens. But really, if one of you takes a little step (YOU) it can flare up now and again. I listen to Sarah and Vinnie in the Bay Area and Vinny SWEARS by the strip tease. He says “Trust me. If He is with you, he wants to see it.” Women are calling in to report-- confidence is HIGH! One chick had 13 month old twins and she said her husband smiled from Friday to… well, he still was when she called in.
All righty. Maybe I should check and see if this is a current or past thread. Mediator?
Oh, wonderful. As well as Administrators and Moderators, now we have to deal with Mediators too. Since this is in the Pit, I’d like to be the very first to protest loudly against unreasonable Mediator actions. Down with all Mediators! Boo! Hiss!
Then why do you set yourself up for disappointment and frustration?
Obviously hubby doesn’t care to get all gussied up and doesn’t care to spend money on the holiday card companies idea of the worst of the best cards, the flowers that will wilt in a week and candies that you will get pissy about because they will only add weight to your thighs and ass…Oh and not to mention the $300.00 stupid diamond and heart necklace that you only wear two times a year because it’s lame as lame can be. Put the $300 towards your mortgage, car payment, credit cards…you can do with out the foofoo jewelry. Sorry I think expensive jewelry is a waste of money.
SO, as a single woman who has had a few Valentines in her life that are worthy of reflecting upon…why do those of you in a relationship get so worked up over such a miniscule holiday? Love is not something you celebrate once a year, for God’s sakes, love is something you celebrate every fucking day of your lives. If you love each other that much then a holiday shouldn’t be invented to remind you of that love…I just get pissy over this because, sheesh, LOVE should be 24/7/365 not just on Valentines Day. Birthdays I can understand because that is the birth of your loved one and then your anniversary as a couple, be that married or together. Other than that Valentines Day is just a marketing tool for you to buy stupid things that die, are eaten or stay in a velvet box and rarely worn.
No I am not bitter really, but I see these things as one that has been in love and in a serious relationship (may he rot in hell hehe, hell that was many years ago more than some of you have been alive I think) really it’s so much more than a holiday, it’s about your lives together as one and a couple. Stop the insanity (Susan Powter imitation.) If you want to express love, do it on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, depending on your comfort level.
Slip a sexy note in your mate’s briefcase or coat. Call up an hour before his or her lunch saying you have to meet him/her for a last minute meeting with your attorney for insurance stuff and have a hotel room ready for a quickie, send him/her a sexy e-postcard with a picture of you, but for God’s sakes don’t confine the love and compassion you had as lovers to only holidays.
Oh geez, if I were involved in a relationship, I guarantee that my man would not be without surprizes…but to think that Valentines Day is such a big fucking deal sickens my heart.
Even though I am on the ragged edge of killing myself right now from my Big, Official Ending of the 8-Year Relationship yesterday, I will crawl to the keyboard to type this.
I know what you mean, but TC has some good suggestions for how you ought to approach it. Either try some of the things she suggests, or else I suggest you end your relationship. Then you can be as happy and cheerful as I am right now.
I have this theory. We are brought up with all these romantic notions about marriage, sex and love. But real marriage in NOTHING like them. You can not have a succesful relationship by trying to use the fantasy movie-like rules that work so well in the the first months of dating.
The hard part, is making the transition from this:
To this:
And staying happy about it.
Its a hard transition to make, but when we switched our gears from a “make me happy right now” kind of love, to a “wanting kids and a family” kind of love, we both kind of settled back into marathon mode.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do romantic things out of the blue. I know that as a man I will always screw things up and never understand tht she had slipped back into longing for “dating” love. So I do the flowers every couple of weeeks, I meet her at work occasionaly and take her straight out to dinner. I make sure we get in some vacations while we are still childless.
But I know…
Kids will make it even different. The only way I see to be happy in a long-term relationship, is to fully surrender to the change in terms. Surrender, and love it.
Here’s another thing: Communicate about it. If you give a rat’s ass about the holiday (this one, your birthday, Mother’s Day, what have you), whereas your mate has a decidely more casual view, I suggest you talk about it. And not with the hurt looks, the guilt trips, etc. Sit down in advance and tell him that this is a particular holiday that means something to you, and you’d really like it if, as a couple, you made an event out of it. Make some suggestions. See if he has any. Split the labor on this one (You make the reservations, I’ll line up the babysitter).
I’ve played the game where you tell yourself it ought to just HAPPEN if he really loved you, damnit, and it won’t mean as much if you have to ASK the bastard for the gift/flowers/dinner. It’s not romantic enough, thoughtful enough, if you have to prod him so much. This got me nowhere. Lose that attitude if it’s got a hold of you. Because in in this situation the choices are talk about it, be miserable, or find a new husband. Of the three? I think talking about it is the way to go.
Which is what I plan to do about Christmas. I don’t get into our anniversary, valentine’s day, etc. But I do care about Christmas, and this year I thought the ol’ spouse really blew it off. I think he knows it. At any rate, in November, we’re going to have a talk about it so next year, I’m happier and he has to slink around less afterwards.
I tried the talking thing for years, didn’t work. I am married to a man with no romance in his soul. However I have been able to get him to observe Valentines day for the last few years.
I accomplished this by letting him know he can either get me a card and a small gift/or night out or he can die. The choice is his.
Compiling to-do list for Valentine’s Day debauchery.
Candlelight dinner- Check
Wine–Check
Kissing,giving head,getting face
check, check, check
Having hot monkey sex
Check
I don’t know something seems to be missing. No. Wait. I know.
sucking ass.
check
Yep, I’m all set. Thanks gals, you’re the best.
But seriously, I used to just sit around and wish for a romantic evening to happen. I was dissapointed more often than not. Now we start discussing it several days before. This goes for the whole year, not just on V-Day.
BTW Una, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Time heals all wounds.
I don’t like Valentines Day either, but for me, I just don’t like a pre-ordained day where I’m supposed to make all the magic happen. Feynn makes me feel loved and special every day of the year, so I don’t really see a need to orchestrate a night around the 14th of February. If I wake up grouchy or sick that day, big deal. There are other days.
I guess I just find a big show of romance contrived and meaningless. I’m touched when he lifts something heavy for me. When he tells me to take a long, hot bath and go to bed early, don’t worry, he’ll take care of the kids. When he grabs me and kisses me passionately, because I’m in the middle of doing the laundry, and he appreciates it. Me makes me feel loved and sexy everyday of the year. I don’t see the appeal of flowers and candlelight. Traditional romance leaves me cold.
Luckily, we both have the same ideas about Valentines Day (neither of us care to celebrate it much), so no disagreement, no hurt feelings.
Amen! I find the experience of being so totally utterly comfortable with someone makes me so much happier than “romance.” It is my own personal theory that settled, comfortable people don’t spend nearly as much money, so they invented the whole concept of romance to a) make single people misrable and spend alot of money trying to find someone and b) make coupled people feel like there is “something” missing and to buy alot of products in the hopes that they will find it.
I alwso really resent the idea that I should model my idea of what a good relationship is on a model created by the mass media.
I also am sorry to hear how much you’re hurting.
I can’t disagree more strongly, though, with the fantasy that time heals all wounds. Time alone will not. It takes the decision to heal, the desire to want to be okay again. How many people do we know who are still not over some painful something or other? There is the necessary grief and tears, then the mending process, then the choice to bravely continue to accept and give again. We all have choices about what we will accept and what we will reject. A woman can choose to remain, not celebrating love with a husband who does not appreciate the romance his wife tries to generate…
Okay, I won’t pine away. Even though I’ll be spending Black Wednesday alone. What the hell. I still have Christmas, right? Oh. I’m alone then too. Well, there are usually some good marathons on teevee during Thanksgiving. And my birthday is a hoot. I can rent videos and order pizza in. You know a girl actually touched me today? Well, it was an accident. I was at the cinema watching Hannibal and she shifted in her seat a bit so she could put her legs over her SO’s legs. Her shoulder touched my shoulder for a second.
Quitcher bitchin’. You can put up with one day of doing expected things for the person you love.
Right on, Cranky. If the two people in a couple have different ideas about celebrating a holiday, the best thing to do, to start, is to talk about it. If talking about it doesn’t work, just take charge.
I’ll preface my tale of woe by saying that Mr. Del is a horror movie buff. I’m not. I won’t watch them at all. For our first Valentine’s Day together, he got me a deluxe boxed set of the Evil Dead videos. When I opened this, ahem, thoughtful gift, my eyes just about popped out of my head. And they weren’t popping with lust, or gratitude, or any particular romantic feelings.
I agreed to watch the first movie, mostly because I was too stunned to do anything else. I had some vague notions of crying myself to sleep later on in the evening, but since it was too early to go to bed, the movie would be ok. At some point, he got up to get some snacks, and a gross part of the movie came on so I closed my eyes. When he came back, apparently he thought that the closed eyes were getting in the way of my, ahem, enjoyment of the movie, so he tapped me on the shoulder. I was so startled that I jumped about three feet in the air, and head butted him. Watching him roll around on the floor with a bloody nose made me realize that in the future, I should take over the planning for holiday celebrations.
So now we talk about what would be appropriate gifts. I also stress that I should be given chocolate at least once weekly, not just on February 14.
You tell em Johnny L.A. I am in the same position. Valentine sucks for me!! When ever they come up with these “special” days do they think of the people who have no one?? What about people who have lost there mothers when Mothers day comes around? It just makes those people feel worse.
Screw Valentine’s day! Its just a over commercialized peagen holiday anyway, whose with me??
I’m no expert on love, and I’m of the belief that V Day is a big commercial, but it sure strikes me that
a) if you’re not in a relationship and you’re lonely, you should take steps to find somebody, and
b) if you’re in a relationship and the romance has diminished, you should take steps to rekindle it.
I’ve been in slot #a many times, and now as a married 7 years with children type find myself in slot #b occasionally. It’s not like I don’t relate. But damn, quit whining and go do something to make it better.
