I’m just curious as to what goes through a woman’s mind (or I suppose a man’s, although the the former seems more frequent) when she makes the decision to not show up on a date. If you’ve stood someone up, or been stood up but later received a complete and seemingly honest explanation, what thought process and rationale was behind it? I’m seriously asking for opinions and explanation here; no whining or moaning allowed.
Stranger
I’m pretty practical about it. If their reason checks out and is therefore anything other than “screw that dude I don’t really want to get to know him …” - then I’d listen to their reason and act accordingly. You have every right to get a little miffed when you get stood up. Its a total lack of class in my opinion when someone stands someone up simply because they don’t think it’s worth it.
The only time I have ever been stood up or have stood some one else, up was when the plans to date were made while under the infuence of alcohol.
I’m sure you know how it goes. You’re at a party or a bar; you’re a little tipsy, you meet some fine stranger, you chat them up, make plans to go out on a date…
…Then the next morning you wake up sober and think to yourself; Nah, I aint go’n there.
As Phlosphr points out; it’s still classless but there you have it.
Now that I’m older I make it a point never to make any major decisions while under the influence. Not just with dating but with anything.
I’m not sure one gender pulls this more than the other, but for both it really does seem to be a fear of confrontation. As if leaving someone sitting alone is somehow nicer than a simple ‘I’ve changed my mind.’
Okay, maybe not so simple. I think they fear trying to let someone down gently and having the ‘real’ reason dragged out of them – ‘Oh, I can’t make it that day… I’m not sure this will work… Okay listen, you’re not as attractive as I remembered!’ If you really think about it, it has more to do with their own narcissism than them not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings – because they assume their potential date or mate will be so crushed by their rejection, they can’t bear to witness it.
I do recall a girlfriend flaking on a date with a guy online because she ‘didn’t want to ruin the fantasy.’ That’s something else.
Some women agree to a date because they fear saying “no thanks” to someone’s face, and then try to weasel out after the fact. Men do this as well. It (IMO) shows their character and most of the time you should consider yourself having dodged a bullet vs being stood up.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around standing someone up on a date. It doesn’t seem like a matter of class so much as baseline integrity…if you feel REALLY queasy about the date you need to at least give some sort of notice (call/text/email) a reasonable amount of time before hand. And even that is bad form to me. If you were dumb enough or bold enough to wrangle a date in the first place, then suck it up for an hour before you make like a baby and head out. A bit of coffee with a Quasimodo look-alike isn’t going to kill you.
The only acceptable reason I could see for standing a date up is if you can see the situation turning dangerous (extensive, stalker-like messages, efforts to rapidly escalate the relationship, etc).
Btw, I have never been stood up and have never stood anyone else up. I did have a couple dates who “joked” about how they were worried I was going to flake, and it seemed like a bizarre fear to have and a poor decision to voice this concern with me. Evidently it happens, but it seems a bit self-defeatist to open the date with a remark of that sort…
The last time I was stood up was about a year and a half ago. She did actually call me to tell me that she had a cold and couldn’t make it. But she called about 30 minutes before we were to meet, and she knew it would take me over an hour to get there. Maybe she didn’t get that I was on a land line. When I talked to her when I got home, she wasn’t the least bit sorry that I’d gone out of my way to meet her and wasted about 2.5 hours of my life. I made sure she didn’t waste any more of it.
A month or two later I was really tempted to stand someone up. I went out with her a month before, and I thought she was… well, I decided to give her another chance. Not Tru Luv, though. The day before the second date, I was out on what turned out to be the best date of my life with someone else. That was, in fact, Tru Luv. By mid-afternoon, we knew we’d be spending the whole day together and she asked if we could spend the whole night together too. I had to say no, because there was no way I could logistically cancel the next days date in time. My new GF was disappointed, but she knew that I had to do the right thing.
The next day’s date was one of the worst of my life. I felt like running away the entire time.
I’ve done it once. I had met the girl at a bar and had fooled around quite a bit during which she told me that while she was married (getting a divorce) she had no kids so was still tight. This kind of freaked me out. Our schedules finally matched a couple of weeks later and by this time I was trying to come up with a reasonable excuse but I didn’t have one. The day of the date I was working out in the yard with my dad and he was giving me shit for missing a football game for a girl. That was enough of an excuse, for me, so I stayed home and watched the game.
I feel bad about bailing on her but I think I would have felt worse if I’d gone on the date and hooked up with her and then dumped her. Basically, I had no will power so I took the easy way out.
The first time I was movie-style stood up was a coffee date where I had driven about a half hour to a coffee bar near presumably where she lived. It was a blind date- it was an online thing but we knew some of the same people. The place we were supposed to meet was in a sort of sketchy part of town but a friend had a studio near there so I was sort of familiar with it. I got there…sat down… told the barista that I was waiting for someone… and sat… and sat… This was just about 6 years ago but I didn’t have a cellphone. I waited about 45 minutes… and left.
Tried emailing her and got no response. About two months later she emailed me to apologize, which I found very odd. She said that she “wasn’t in a good frame of mind at the time.”
The same girl stood me up twice. She was the first woman I dated after getting out of a long very disappointing and sad relationship.
I was more into her than she was into me and I wasn’t all THAT into her. She worked for Amazon.com corporate and told me upfront that she sometimes worked crazy hours. We had made a date I think for a Sunday and she had called to cancel it due to work a few hours before which was fine. We made another date for the next week, we were supposed to firm up plans the day before. I called no answer. No call back that day so I called again the day of. No response.
So I let it go.
About a year later, she emailed me to see if I was interested in getting together again. I had nothing else going on so I agreed. She had moved to the neighborhood I now worked in so the plan was for her to just meet me at my work when I got off.
I hung around for about an hour since there was stuff for me to do. She didn’t show up.
I actually sent her a pretty… not nasty… but certainly pissed email asking her if she enjoyed fucking with me and making me sit around waiting for her.
About three days later I get an email saying “My brother died in a car accident earlier that moring.” I felt like an ass (I assumed she was telling the truth) and sent an apology email back. I let her know if she needed anything to give me a call.
About two weeks later she did call and offered to drive and pick me up and we could go out. She showed, we went out. Yadda yadda.
Based on having Sisters/female friends/daughter and her friends it usually is that they didn’t want to say yes in the first place but did anyway. Usually it is because they don’t want to say no to you or because they were wishywashy at the time but after some thought decided they really didn’t want to.
Your experiences may vary.
If you are stood up, there is a 99.9% chance she could have gone but decided not to despite how good the excuse sounds. If you are stood up and given a good sounding excuse, accept it and tell her to call you when she would like to go out. You will never hear from her again.
So, basically, you had a legitimate reason(s) for not seeing the woman, but were too scared to let her know in some manner other than standing her up. I would have thought that would have been the more difficult way to do it, as I would assume she’d call and check on you, and you’d still wind up having to explain and/or successfully avoid her enough times so that she’d get the hint. And, even then, you ruined any chances you might have had with not only this woman, if you were able to settle the marriage issue, but also with any woman she would have told about your rude behavior.
Sure makes calling and leaving message seem like the easy way out, to me.
The OP: Well, all I’ve ever done was the avoiding phone calls thing because I was too scared to tell the woman that I wasn’t interested. I think she called at least five more times. She would have been my first, and I hope I’ve matured since then.
She realized she just wasn’t that into you.
I know, terribly trite, and I don’t mean to sound smug, but you can boil it all down to this in the end, so why not just start there?
Well, to be fair, she never did call me so it was actually the easy way. But you’re right it was generally the chicken way to handle this situation.
Oh, I also just remembered that I got stood up last year. I was supposed to meet a girl at a bar to listen to a band but she never showed. I figured she wasn’t into me and promptly forgot about the whole thing until just now. That band was pretty good though and the bar was next to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and eventually they will be combined into the most awesome date ever.
I’ve been stood up a few times. Once it was someone I met online dating… and he just never showed. Waited at the bar, had a few drinks… nothing. I went home and cried. It was the first time I had been stood up.
Second time was a guy who “got called into work” and couldn’t make dinner. So instead I went to dinner with my roommate at the time (I’m female and he’s a gay male), so as not to waste the evening thinking about how I was stood up and because I had already made myself up. I went to the restaurant we were supposed to have the date (I was thinking about their tomato pesto all day)… and the guy I was supposed to have a date with was there with another woman! I surely dodged a bullet that time!
Third time was with this girl I had been fooling around with. She was “bi curious” and we had a great (albeit drunken) night once. I had a lot of fun, and we decided to meet for coffee (instead of at the bar where we usually saw each other) and she never showed. She later e-mailed me and said she was only “gay when she drank vodka.” (She was usually drinking beer when we got together, but that’s not the point.) I ended up running into her at the bank I work at now and I found out… she’s moving to Massachusettes… to get married… to another woman. Hmm…
I’ve never stood a guy up. I got close once, because I wasn’t feeling well. But I figured I’d stick out the date… and I’m marrying the guy in January!
Sometimes there a legitimate reasons for being stood up, and it may have nothing to do with “just not that into you.”
A month or two ago I was supposed to meet a woman for coffee, and I never showed. I didn’t call either. She called me and asked where I was, but I didn’t answer. After 20 minutes or so she decided to leave. Just as she was on her way out the door, there I was. I didn’t call to say I was running late because I didn’t have my cell with me. I didn’t see a reason to. I trusted the trolley to accomplish the relatively simple task of transporting me 1 mile down the road. They failed miserably. I ended up walking.
“Oh, shit…was I supposed to meet that guy last night?”
Only once did I stand a girl up on a date. She was my HS girlfriend and continued to be afterward. I had a blowout on my way to pick her up and my spare was flat.
I have only been stood up once. It was a blessing in disguise, really. I waited for 45 minutes before I left and as I drove away I saw my would-be date on the side of the road in handcuffs with a couple of policemen standing around talking into walkie-talkies and such.
Because, well, someone realizing they’re not into me doesn’t mean they have to stand me up. A text message, a quick email, a businesslike call, saying sorry, I am not keen on going out, that’s all it takes. Not doing that is rude and disrespectful, I think we can agree on that - apart of course from understandable explanations, like Zebra’s blown tire or Push You Down’s date’s brother.
I blame hippies and liberals. That sort of thing never happened in the 50’s.