Am looking to you good people to help expand my collection of great brush-off lines to social invitations from unpleasant people.
Favourite to date must be credited to the late Peter Cook:
‘Thank you for your kind invitation. I have checked my diary, but I find on that date I shall be watching television.’
Any others?
Wall Street Type: “Where have you been all my life?”
Eve: “Hiding.”
The best I’ve ever heard comes from the wonderful 70s sitcom ‘Rhoda’, starring the mesmerising Valerie Harper. Male pest drops by Rhoda’s apartment uninvited.
Rhoda: What are you doing here?
Pest: I thought I’d drop by and cheer you up.
Rhoda: (one beat pause for thought) You cannot do both.
Brilliant writing, brilliantly delivered.
Another one similar to the Peter Cook line is “I’m sorry, but I’ll have to cancel due to a subsequent engagement”.
Others:
“I see you’re suffering from delusions of adequacy.”
“You strike me as the sort of person who can light up any room just by walking out of it.”
“A date? Great! Just tell me when / just tell me where / and I’ll make sure / that I’m elsewhere”.
And to paraphrase Steve Martin… “Sure. And just in case hell does freeze over… what’s your number?”.
Don’t know if this would ever come up in normal conversation, but I once was hit on by a guy in a bar while I was playing a video game (it was a pistol shoot-the-bad-guy game and I’m a very good shot).
Bar Guy: (watches my accuracy) “Saaaaay… you’re pretty good! Where did a pretty girl like you learn to shoot like that?”
Me: “My boyfriend’s a cop.”
Bar Guy: “Oh.” (disappears before the next onscrren baddy pops up).
My best friend’s older sister has one that I rather like.
“Sorry, I’m going to be scrubbing the tile grout.” …or something to that effect, it’s been awhile since I heard her say it.
“But I’m the Mary and You’re the Rhoda!”
Drunk chick at a bar: Hey handsome, want to go home with me.
Me: Sorry, can’t. I just lost my penis in a boating accident.
DCaaB: Oh, I’m so sorry… tears up, and walks away.
I’m leaving a bar with this hot chick[sup]TM[/sup] and two guys (buddies of mine, sort of) near the door comment:
Guy A: You’re not leaving with him are you?
Guy B: If you leave with him, you’re making a big mistake!
Hot Chick: “I’ll let you know if it was a mistake after we’re finished.”
Best un-rehearsed one liner I’ve ever personally witnessed.
Years ago, when I was in college, I was out with my then-GF and her roommate. Some drunk guy came up to the roommate and said, “Hey, what’s your name?”
She didn’t hesitate. “Bitch,” she said.
He left shortly afterward.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got other plans for that evening.”
“Oh, what are they?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t made them yet.”
These work best if the date of the event is a few weeks or more away (otherwise they aren’t so unreasonable):
“I have to attend a funeral that day.”
Or
“I’m going to be sick that day.”
I also like this one, but I can only do it to people I really loathe:
Inviter: “Do you want to go to the movies?”
Invitee: “Are you going to be there?”
Inviter: “Of course!”
Invitee: “Then ‘No’.”
Overheard in a bar:
“Baby, let’s just go home and get down to business.”
“Sorry, you have no capital.”
Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date later.