Ok, this is a thought that came up while adding into the “oh my freaking god” thread.
There are about a billion truely tacky “opening lines” …
“Wow, did it hurt when you fell from heaven…”
but, really, help us out!
What have been the best conversation openers you’ve heard?
Whether or not they actually lead to romance, doesn’t matter, just that they were interesting enough to both
a) let the poor guy get past that too-many-butterflys-in-his-stomach-to-even-be-able-to-engage-any-intelligence moment.
on our side of the equation, and to
b) engage your interest enough to get you past the ‘who are you?’ part into… Who Are You?
I’ve definitely figured out that looking
hopeless
desperate
begging
needy
too eager
and like I didn’t listen to Mom and this electric smile actually
are all on the ‘don’t work too well’ list…
and guys… share your best moments of creative genius!
Wyatt, as both a young woman and a bartender, I can assure you that the best opener for any man of reasonable appearance is a simple, smiling, “Hey, how’re you doing?” or something equally innocuous.
The only times a line will work–or anything that resembles a line–are when the guy is already “in.” IOW, he’s so good-looking or so charismatic or whatever that the girl is just glad he made the first move.
Beyond that, it doesn’t really matter what comes out of your mouth when you walk up to a girl b/c she’s already sized you up the moment she saw you coming, before you said a damn thing. Particularly in a bar/nightclub/pub atmosphere, when it’s all basically a meat-market and girls are very much on guard against the parade of guys who walk up to them with “smooth lines.”
A very basic greeting, combined with a smile and a friendly demeanor, will get you further than any line you could think of. Trust me, somebody’s already struck out saying it before you thought of it.
I should add that the guys with the most success are the ones who talk to everybody. Not just the pretty girls they want to hit on. A guy who is seen as friendly/chatty to everyone will appear less desperate and a lot more appealing, and the best way to get used to talking to women is to talk to every woman, and every man, whenever you get the chance. If you sit in the corner and don’t talk to anybody for an hour, and then work up the nerve to walk up to that Really Hot Babe and try to zero in on her, you’re going to look like a loser at best and a perv at worst. Ditto for the whole “send that girl a drink” action from across the bar. It’s pathetic. (And I’ve seen so many guys do all of this that I should write a pamphlet and just hand it out with every beer I sell.)
Talk to everybody, work on your PR skills, and ditch the lines.
That damn Serendipity Machine is still in overdrive! I’ve only looked at three threads, other than the one I started Sunday morning, and this one spun off of mine!
As I said in my Oh, My Freaking God thread, I used a line on a lovely lady, Saturday night. Quite probably, the first time I’ve ever used “a line”. It’s been so long since the last time I tried to meet someone in a bar, my memory is a bit vague. But, it worked!
I am definitely not “so good-looking”. I’ve never been told I’m charismatic. It’s possible she would have accepted a drink from any guy that didn’t look like a psycho, though I hope not, and don’t think so. And, we do have a date, this Saturday.
I’ve never been a fan of lines. They generally sound so phony, and I’m not a fan of phoniness, under any circumstances. But, they do serve a purpose. They allow us cowardly men to face the fear of rejection by serving as scapegoats; it wasn’t us they rejected, it was that stupid line. Yes, it’s bullshit. Yes, we know that. Yes, it still helps.
Women can’t truly understand our situation, because they don’t have to face the Dreaded Gauntlet of Humiliation[sup]TM[/sup]. They aren’t expected to, and rarely do, make the first approach. And, in the rare instances when they do, the odds of rejection are so small as to be almost incalculable. So, they may think they understand it, intellectually, but they can’t really understand it viscerally. Personally, I’d almost rather stick my arm into a fire than face that.
FWIW, I used the “Hi! How you doing?” approach all of my previous dating life. It never worked. Not once. The best I ever did, with that approach, was to get to chat with the lady for a few seconds, before she’d make some excuse to break away. More often, I’d get the Icy Glare of Disdain[sup]TM[/sup] or some totally unnecessary insult hurled in my face.
I suspect part of the reason may be due to location. Here in the Northeast, we DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS. Walking up to someone on the street and saying hi will just get you a nervous look as they walk around you and continue on their way, more often than not. It’s just not part of our culture. So, the casual friendly approach may not work as well, here, as it does in other parts of the country. YMMV.
Of course, I may also have looked
hopeless
desperate
begging
needy
too eager
Thanks, Audrey, Love the “somebody’s already struck out with it…”
Sorta up there with the bumper sticker that starts with, “No matter How great she looks…”
T’would be an excellent and useful pamphlet, to be sure, don’t forget to put in the part about how women are always impressed by guys who remember to tip their bartender well!
I think this would be a good partner pamphlet to the one I keep thinking I should write … after being in on the girl talk often enough to note some of the things women do that unintentionally ‘exclude’ the guys who otherwise might be able to enter into normal conversation … chuckle …
“rule number 1” of the “if you’re out with friends but really kinda open to or hoping to meet some nice guy(s)” … I’m sure you’ve seen it … “rule number 1” is … Don’t Sit in a cluster with your girlfriend(s) with your bodies all turned inward to the center of your conversation, and your backs locking out the rest of the room, sit with yourselves opened out a bit … talk, anyway, but leave space for more members of the conversation!
Dave, I honor your tm on Dreaded Gauntlet of HumiliationTM
Yup that’s the feel of it!
And to add confusion to the whole deal is the added element of the women who are just mad at someone, probably male, and looking to hurt something, probably male, and they skew the data gathering process for us guys, in the “Ok, what is it that Will work to let me talk with women I find attractive.”
Not to argue with the “Hi, how ya doin’” theory, cause I have to admit, the whole, get involved in conversations all around, has always been my best route to meeting new people, regardless of gender … (though conversation is often kinda sparse over there in the inevitable ‘men’s corner’ that forms in clubs) …
But there’s always the kicker in the data gathering curve … site the woman, some many years back, before I met my now-“late” sweety …
I’m sitting at the bar itself, in a club, having just moved into town recently, and not feeling up to making any big forays through the Dreaded Gauntlet of HumiliationTM, and the club is relatively empty, as I’m sitting there, a reasonably attractive woman takes the bar stool next to me, and, both because I do talk to pretty much everybody, and 'cause she’s an attractive woman, I turn and say … in what my mom taught me was polite, “Hi, I’m Wyatt.”
Her response: a Nasty Glare, a long look up and down, and in a tone that would make a tile saw wince … “Why do mEn DO that?”
continued glare …
“Sorry, just trying to be friendly…”
“Just Leave Me Alone!” continued glare.
punch line … there were Lots of open stools at the bar, many in groups of 3, meaning noone occupying a stool on either side…sigh …
So, at the time I kinda concluded the “How ya doin’?” was not acceptable …
ah … women … how we Do seek to understand your ways …
Meanwhile… most interesting “ice breakers” still seems worth while, if just for the stories with them!!!
Wyatt, sounds like you just ran into a rude woman who didn’t want to talk to anyone. I doubt any line would have worked there. I’m afraid I’m no help here; the man who’s now my husband just said hi and introduced himself. (It might be worth noting that this wasn’t at a bar, but in a dorm floor meeting when we were in college.)
i would think that if you are trying to talk to someone, make a few instances of eye contact with a pleasent smile, but make sure you don’t look like you’re talking about that person if you’re with a group.
And a simple ‘hello’ suffices. If the other person replies in the same polite manner, then it’s green light for a conversation.
I would think just by starting the eye contact before, you’d be able to tell if it welcomed or not…
then again, i’m not very social (not by choice, i’m just shy) so maybe i donno what i’m talking about…
My theory is nice guys don’t finish last, it’s just no one remembers when they finish, so they assume they’re last. That said, being normal, saying hi, stuff everyone does doesn’t make you stand out. So I think you need to do what works for you. I tend to like people, so I do take an interest in them and their lives. Some don’t, so they find common ground to discuss. But to get to the point of actually talking to someone I think is what you’re asking. I think if you take an interest in people, they’ll be drawn to it. If you just want her for how she looks, she’ll know. So maybe try going out with friends who know people, and get introduced to others that way. Or don’t try in a bar, cause you have very little time to make a good impression. That said, my best attribute is I can say hi to a woman, and not give a rip if she liked me or not, as I know the good things about myself, so I don’t need her to reaffirm them. Not that I’m going to go set myself up for constant rejection, but then I really do care about the other person, not just about what they can do for me.
What has worked for me every time has been emotional honesty, with eye contact. Brief and rueful eyecontact is fine, but honest is required. Grabs me and shakes my attention like a 300 lb gorilla.
“I want to kiss you” (from someone I knew - that would be a bit too forward for someone I didn’t know)
“No, it wasn’t funny at all” (when I suggested that it must have looked pretty funny when I passed out a few minutes before, trauma-related) (married him, and MAN, the emotional honesty was a major turn on… )
I never picked up anyone from a bar, nor have been picked up there, so my voice may not qualify. But I’ve gone out with a guy (blind date) who was allllll lines, no honesty. Ick. I wanted to scrape my whole body and brain with a big stick after about 10 minutes. ICK ICK ICK.
In a bar situation, I think I’d relate well to this kind of scenario:
Guy comes up to bar, orders drink, says hi AFTER ordering drink (therefore telling me I am not the principle reason for his presence, or he is at least trying not be too aggressive about it). Then gets drink, sighs, makes (brief, possible rueful) eye contact and confesses that he hates trying to meet people in bars because it sooo grounds for humiliation, and just sucks. If there are any positive noises in response, hang out and continue conversation from there. You’ve got common ground in the ‘bar scene is tricky and trying’ zone, anyway, so you don’t have to try fishing for something to talk about - it is right under your nose (or feet). You’ll get on better with someone who at least has compassion for the suckiness of it, presumably. You’re also more likely to get brushed off with a ‘good luck elsewhere’ than a ‘get away from me you scum’. JMHO.
I maybe a guy, but perhaps I can help out. I first met my wife in a bar. (And, she didn’t even drink back then. I’ve since driven her to it. ). This is what worked for me.
A friend notices pretty blonde with friends (male and female) in corner of bar. I drink sufficient quantities of beer to overcome Dreaded Gauntlet of Humiliation In Full View of Drinking Buds (which, I would trademark, but I’m not smart enough). As I walk up to her, she sees me. I look her in her big, beautiful brown eyes and asked her to dance. In an Oh My Freaking GodTM moment, she says yes. I absolutely suck at dancing, but she was trying to escape from a guy who wanted to be more than A Friend, which obviously overcame my “dancing” (or, should I have used TM?). After a few dances, we talked. I walked her home (college town), and we continued talking. That was all it took.
I did have a trick in my single days that worked well for me in many such social situations. Except in the case of my wife, I never went after the best looking woman in the room; I went after the woman I thought was the second best looking. The best looking usually had waay to much attention, the rest of the women had way too little.
Merely a suggestion: Go to a dog park, or a place where lots of dog owners/walkers are. People with dogs love to talk about them & are generally friendly. You can always ask, What kind of dog is that? How old is he/she? Are they easy to keep? Etc., etc. Of course, it helps if you like dogs. Because if something “develops,” then you may have to live with or at least visit the dog, too. Good luck!
Merely a suggestion: Go to a dog park, or a place where lots of dog owners/walkers are. People with dogs love to talk about them & are generally friendly. You can always ask, What kind of dog is that? How old is he/she? Are they easy to keep? Etc., etc. Of course, it helps if you like dogs. Because if something “develops,” then you may have to live with or at least visit the dog, too. Good luck!
course doesn’t quite match up to the night in a dance club, thought I’d made friendly eye-contact with lady who is chair-dancin’ up a storm, all 6 of the other people at her table hop up to dance, while I’m walking toward her, I arrive and ask … “would you like to dance?” and get looked all the way Up and Down (shirt was clean and pressed, shoes in good shape) and get a look like she bit something horrible with … “No.” and look away … :dubious: surrendered to the evening, went home and to bed, and my kitty, for the only time in his life, couldn’t wake me soon enough, and pee’d all over me, :eek: I got up, apologized to him and let him out, changed the bedding, turned to flop dejectedly on the bed, haveing been pee’d on twice in one evening … and the bed broke, square in the middle…:smack:
That was a self esteme builder of a night… chuckle
Sadly, Davebear, this is not solely a Northeast phenomenon; it’s a SoCal thing too. We’re taught from childhood not to talk to strangers on the street.
My 2 cents: Try somewhere like a coffee bar or Borders on live music night. I don’t like drinking and being around drunk people, but I do like coffee, and so do many other twentysomethings. Just smile, say hi and act friendly; maybe talk about the coffee, or something you see me reading. Most people who sit down in a coffee bar to drink their coffee have some time on their hands, and if they don’t have a laptop or newspaper in front of them they’ll probably be willing to talk. I like to get my coffee, snag a large cushy chair, and chill for a while. Having a guy come up and talk to me would be just peachy!
Wyatt, here’s the most thoughtful advice I can give you.
Be friendly. Say, “Hello, I’m Wyatt,” or, “Hey, I wondered if you’d like to have a drink with me.” Then, any woman who is not interested in at least giving you a smile (flustered, maybe, but not smart aleck) and some comment along the lines of, “I’m sorry, but I’m with somebody else” after you have offered your kindness is not worth your time. With women that are worth your time, friendliness breeds friendliness. Come-on lines breed awkward moments.
Good advice here; I think the best is that “friendliness breeds friendliness” (jeeze, it took me 15 tries to type that correctly). Don’t think of it as a big momentous life-changing moment when you approach a woman; think of it as introducing yourself and starting a conversation. If she’s interested and you click, it will naturally go someplace. If not, move on and try again. Like all the salespeople say, every rejection gets you closer to a sale!
So, Borders is right down the street, you just gotta come snag a chair at the Pleasant Hill one … it’s conveniently located just 6 hours or so, from most So. Cal. locations! So, let me know when you’ll be snagging, and I’ll be the guy with the peach jamba juices …
Good points! Very good points! Us guys can retrain ourselves into that frame of thinking! Thanks Featherlou
Now, That’s a quotable! Not easy to type, but Quotable! Thanks for your sage and de-scary-izing input!
This is actually turning out quite differently, much more serious, and MUCH more helpful than I imagined when I started it up!
). This is what worked for me.