What's it like to be a guy at a club?

Sometimes, guys hit on me when I go out. Not a whole lot, but occasionally.

Some girls act as if this offends them, but I find it flattering, even when I’m not interested.

However, I’ve never been very good at handling guys who hit on me to whom I’m not attracted.

For example-

RandomGuy: Hi, I’m James.

Me (Smiles warmly, because it’s polite): Hi, I’m Turpentine.

RandomGuy: So…do you come here often?

Me (thinks)- Oh god, go away, you’re boring me already. THAT’S the best you can do??? “Come here often???” I don’t like the nervous way you’re presenting yourself and I don’t find you interesting. I wish you would go away.

Me: No, not very often.

RandomGuy: (Says nothing but keeps looking at me and smiling, either as if there’s something he thinks he ought to say, or else waiting for me to speak)

Me: So…this song’s pretty cool. (Grabbing at any topic of conversation, but realizing the folly in pointing out the music, because he would probably ask me to dance with such a perceived “invitation”)

RandomGuy: Oh yeah…smiles I really like Led Zeppelin but they don’t play it here…

Me: (thinks- Please please please go away…you’re boring me)

Me: Ah…that’s nice. (Nobody can dance to Led Zeppelin, that’s why they don’t play it here- idiot)

RandomGuy: Can I buy you a drink?

Me (smiles): Oh, no thank you, I’m all set.
I could go on in this vein, our conversation was dull and dry and clearly we had nothing in common. It also went on for about a half hour.
It only ended when some friends of mine waved me over and I politely excused myself.

I wish I could have handled that better. When a guy hits on me I want to be polite, but I often end up talking to the guy forever when I’m not interested.

Sometimes I wonder if a guy would prefer me to say something right away so I’m not wasting his time. But that seems so…harsh.

I mean, in that conversation I had with James, at what point should I have cut it off? And what should I have said?

“Excuse me, but you’re wasting your time- I’m not interested, sorry.”

I guess this is longer than I expected it to be, but I was wondering what it must be like for a guy at a club-

How do you choose whom to hit on?
What sort of rejection is easiest to take?
Also- does it EVER work? I mean, I have NEVER gone home with a guy I met at a club, and I have never had a single relationship where I met the guy at a club. I have made some friends, though.
I was just wondering…what is it like for those of you who look for sex or dates at a clubs? Is it difficult? Is it pointless?

I went to a club/party/rave (I don’t know exactly what to call it). I went to have fun, and to meet people. I didn’t go with the expectation that anything remarkable would happen, but I am single and there were lots of pretty ladies there, so I might as well try my luck. Perhaps one of them happens to find me interesting, great! Well, I struck out, because apparently, all the ladies I talked to were there with their husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, date, etc. I was surprised that there were no single girls there, but your post made me think maybe they were just turning me down easy. If anything, it worked, because we parted with no hurt feelings.

I should also mention that I know guys that have some remarkable quality to get girls attracted to them. These guys always seem to be bringing home a girl from things like this. I have an associate who meets girls on ICQ, invites them over to his house (he lives with his mother) and has sex with them! Well, whatever this mystical power is, I was one of the 99% of males born without it, and have to go about things the normal way.

I’m curious, Turpentine- do YOU ever go up and start talking to a guy? And have YOU been shot down, 'cause he found YOU “boring”?

Rejection ain’t an easy thing. I think, though, that we males must’ve grown addicted to it, or something- I mean, why else do we try so hard? Although, I must admit- I never got the hang of going up and talking to a girl, out of the blue- maybe I’m biased. I’m an interesting guy, in any situation OTHER than what you’ve described. I’ve never gone home with a girl I met at a club- it’s not my idiom. :slight_smile:

Regardless, it’s a difficult thing to do. Maybe RandomGuy would be interesting, if you gave him half a chance. Sounds like you’d already decided, by his second sentence, that he was boring. It takes two to tango- I’m sure he was trying his hardest to keep you interested, and you’d already shot him down.

Playing ping-pong against a curtain ain’t a lot of fun.

I almost never go out to bars and clubs because they’re just not my thing. However, when I do go I sort of anticipate that people might talk to me - it kind of goes with the territory.

That’s ok, however when someone is coming on really strong I really don’t like that. Of if they won’t take no for an answer I don’t like that.

I had a guy talking to me once asking me out to dinner. I had said no and he was just persisitng. Finally, he said “When I see something I want, I just go for it - I don’t take no for an answer.” So I looked at him and said “You just called me a ‘thing’. This conversation is over.”

But fellas just chating is no big deal.

One other thing I have to mention though - guys if you ask a lady to dance and you’re dancing with her, and really, um, enjoying yourself, you should probably not flaunt that too much. I was dancing with a guy and he sort of spun me around and started pushing his, um, erection into my back. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! If I don’t know you, I certainly don’t want to know THAT!! :smiley: No wonder I don’t go out very much.


I don’t go to clubs very often. (Truth be told, I usually only go when I’m visiting friends in Toronto or London [sub]not the one in Ontario[/sub].) And, I’m a very bashful person. It’s a difficult thing for me to go up to a woman in any situation and start talking to her, and in an unfamiliar milleu like a club, that would go double. I’ll be completely honest–I’m afraid of rejection, and I’ll concur with Lightnin’ that rejection is not a picnic in the park.

So, if I did summon up the courage to talk to a girl in a club, what would I do? Probably say the most inoffensive, simplistic things I could–which is just what RandomGuy did. Does that mean I’m a boring person? Let’s not answer that…:smiley: Does that mean RandomGuy is a boring person? No, it probably means he’s nervous. If you’d met him in another setting, like in a library, or–ahem–playing chess ;), he might have proven more interesting.

Or maybe not. People can be shy and boring too. But it would be nice to give them the benefit of the doubt first.

Oh please…

I was TRYING to be nice. I talked with the damn guy for half an hour, and tried to think of interesting things to say, but we weren’t able to carry on an interesting conversation. Obviously we weren’t well suited for eachother but he wouldn’t go away.

I would say that talking to someone for half an hour is indeed giving them a chance.

Besides “Do you come here often?” is the BLANDEST thing a guy could possibly say. If he tried just a wee bit harder, could he BE any more unoriginal? He may as well have asked what my sign was.

So are you saying that every single time a guy at a club hits on me I am expected to talk to them the entire night, and then go to the library with them or leave the club and go play chess because they MIGHT be interesting? Do I have to get the phone number of every guy who hits on me in a night and arrange to play chess to see how interesting they might be?

Yes, I have approached guys before. But before I do, I try to think of something interesting to say, the easiest thing to do is to comment on their clothing or the way they dance or something. If he is wearing a t-shirt with a band name on it that I like, I know I can at least try to talk about that band. If he has a sketchbook I can ask to see his drawings (yeah, people bring sketchbooks sometimes to the club I go to, it’s pretty cool).
If I merely think he’s cute, I can ask a friend if they know who he is and ask them to introduce me, so the conversation can get started more easily.

If the conversation is stilted, maybe because the guy thinks I’M boring, I will end it instead of dragging it on and on, hoping for it to get better.

And yes, I TRIED to give Mr. RandomGuy a chance, because even though my immediate thoughts were of how boring he was because of the BLANDEST pick-up line in the world…I tried to initiate some sort of conversation by commenting on the music.

I know nothing about Led Zeppelin except that I don’t particularly care for them, so I couldn’t comment on that.

I KNOW it’s a difficult thing to approach a person in a club…that’s why I wanted to see what men had to say about the best way to handle it, especially when I’m not interested yet don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings.

So why are you making me out to be such a snob? I’m trying to be nice here…

So, let me get this straight: The rest of you males routinely go to clubs, see strange women you find attractive, and just go up and start talking to them?!?

I don’t think the fact that I don’t ever do this is attributable so much to a fear of rejection than a lack of motivation. I see a beautiful woman and I think - What’s the point? What’s the absolute best thing that could possibly happen as a result of me going up and talking to her? Casual sex? Who the hell needs it? Absolutely more trouble than it’s worth. Relationship? From a random meeting in a bar? The odds are astronomical. Friendship? Oh please GOD not another friendship!

That’s what it’s like for me in a club, but I’m guessing I’m alone in that.

All right! I’ll agree RandomGuy probably was as boring as hell. (Yeah, “Do you come here often?” is pretty lame. I won’t comment on his love of Led Zep.) Still, his actions seemed pretty nervous, and it just struck a chord with me.

I salute you for giving RandomGuy half an hour. I don’t think most women would be nearly as forgiving. And, yeah, I agree that half an hour is long enough to decide whether someone is boring as hell. I guess I’m just trying to give an idea of what it’s like to be a guy in a club, for the 95% of guys who are smooth enough and not self-conscious enough to be nervous.

OK, on to the next thread on this subject…

Never? :eek:

Hmmm…time to go to ruadh’s club, methinks :wink:

Ok, I will be speaking as a former club goer who actually met her husband in a bar on “Trash Disco Night.” I used to have lots of guys hit on me (not because I’m beautiful, but mostly, I suspect, because I seemed to be by myself a lot. My friends would be dancing with guys, so I would be dancing by myself or at the bar alone).

Truthful is usually better. You don’t want to tell a guy you’re married, then have him watch from across the room as you try to hit on someone else.

Sometimes you can let them down by rejecting characteristics they exibit, so it’s not quite so personal. I used to not date military men and would tell them that that’s the reason they should look for someone else. That way it puts it on you, the old it’s not you, it’s me thing.

You can always escape by pretending to see your friend waving to you across the room, or telling the guy you have plans to go somewhere else at a specified time (which is, oh no! Right about now!) and need to check with your friend about that.

After dancing with a guy, preceed him off the dance floor, then turn to him quickly and say sincerely "Thank you for the dance. " Smile and walk purposefully away to find your friends or to the bathroom. I almost always danced with anyone who asked me, unless they were sloppy drunk or rude. I figured that if they had the balls to ask, I could at least dance. The exception to this is guys who just dance up to you when you’re already on the dance floor and invade your space. What’s that about???

I also have to agree with the folks who advised you to give the guy a little more time. The first time I met my husband, I almost blew him off (he was military and not a great disco dancer). Thankfully, he was persistant! Of course, sometimes you just know a guy’s not for you, in which case, tell him you have to meet your friend, even if she’s imaginary!

Yeah, but I’m figuring that “pardon me, do you have a spare cat fetus I could borrow?” isn’t the odds on favorite with most women.

Actually that would work with me…

Oh MAN does that make me mad. Guys who sneak up behind you and start humping your backside - grr. It is so disgusting and wrong on SO many levels. I will dance with most any guy that asks because they’re at least polite about it. But the stealth humpers - no way. I usually stomp on their insteps and get called a bitch.

Rats - KrustyKlown’s post was mine. Sorry 'bout that.

Ender, I gotta agree with alice on that one.


It will happen. Someday…
You’ll see…

Oh, by the way, I only have four cat fetuses, after my dog ate one, and one I promised to my friend Marie, so that makes only three.
If a guy asks me to spare one of my precious three cat fetuses, he will really have to be…something else. Something jaw-dropping.

Oh, by the way, I only have four cat fetuses, after my dog ate one, and one I promised to my friend Marie, so that makes only three.
If a guy asks me to spare one of my precious three cat fetuses, he will really have to be…something else. Something jaw-dropping.

I am a guy and went to bars about 5 years ago with the intent to at least get a phone number from at least one woman. It was like a mission of sorts. You must know that ALL bar conversations are stupid and contirved. “Who are you? So, what do YOU do? Blah Blah Blah.” I played the numbers game, though. I had a strategy for guys:

  1. Breaking the Conversational Hymen: Starting conversations with attractive women was difficult due to nerves and a desire to succeed. To get over it, start talking to a woman you aren’t attracted to first. Just bust right into her conversation if needed. If you get blown off… no big deal because you had nothing to lose in teh first place. Now that you have experienced rejection and determined that you are still alive and doing just fine, find another and strike up a conversation again. If the conversation progresses, chat for as long as the conversation seems half-way interesting and “smooth”. If it goes too long, cut it off… you’re wasting time. Once you’ve initiated conversation once in a bar, the following conversations come easier. I called this strategy, “breaking the conversational hymen.” Now, your fear of rejection is diminished because you have either (1) been rejected and lived to tell about it; or (2) had a conversation with a woman in a bar without being rejected. Either way, you win.

  2. The REAL Bar Conversation: Find a woman you’re attracted to and start a conversation. Now that you’ve had your “warm-up” conversation to work out the kinks, you should be in a better conversational “groove”. Comment on the music, clothing, other people, whatever. Do NOT say, “Do you come here often.” That is bar conversation DEATH. You might consider wearing some type of “prop” as a conversation piece. If you get blown off, MOVE ON to the next woman. Rejection should be no big deal at this point due to the fact that you have broken the conversational hymen. If the conversation is rough, bow out quickly and gracefully and move on. You’re wasting time. Find someone else. The more times you “roll the dice”, the better your odds of success. Eventually, you may find yourself approaching attractive women even though you KNOW you have no chance just to see what happens, for fun, to play with her mind, or to deflate her undeserved ego if she seems like the type to throw around an attitude.

2a: A strategy for approaching attracive women is to start talking to her “less attractive friend” first. The “less attractive friend” is more likely to invite you into a conversation, giving you access to the attractive one.

2b: Try to approach women in groups with the same number of guys in your group. For example, if you see three women, have three guys approach. This way, you don’t have to have one guy entertaining every woman in the group. Let the most attractive guy in the group lead as “bait”.

2c: Develop friendships with female friends. This way, the woman in the bar will see that you are friends with a woman who can vouch for you. Women tend to trust other women. Have your female friend start conversations for you.

2d: Women can smell desperation a mile away. Stay cool by all means. When you are successful with one woman, you get “the stink.” Women can smell “the stink” of your success with another woman on you. Women are attracted to “the stink”. Thus, when you are successful with one woman, you will find you are successful with other women more frequently in a short period of time. It seems I either had no phone numbers, or I had too many to handle, and they all seemd to come at once. When I had no numbers, I knew “the stink” had worn off, and I had to go get some more “stink”. In retrospect, I think “the stink” boils down to “confidence”.

  1. The NO DRINKS Rule: Do NOT buy drinks for women. This is an invitation to get milked for drinks by women who always milk guys for drinks because they can. Rare exceptions can be made when you have determined that the woman is talking to you in good faith and will not milk you for drinks. When you “roll the dice” with lots of women in a bar, buying drinks can get unduly expensive.

  2. Getting the Number: Ask for HER number if the conversation goes reasonably well. Giving out YOUR number is BAD. Getting her number gives you a better chance of a follow-up conversation. If you give your number, she may never call you.

  3. **The Call:**If you get the number on Thrusday or Friday, call Sunday night. If you get the number on Saturday, call Monday night. Chat for a bit, then ask her on a date for the following weekend. If the response is positive, tell her you will call her on Wednesday to make arrangements for the date (driving directions to her place, etc.) After that, NEVER call before Wednesday to set up a date for the following weekend. This make you look cool.

  4. The Date: Usually dinner and drinks. A movie is OK if you don’t want to talk. After the date, follow this guide unless she invites you for more. Follow her lead. First date, hug. Second date, kiss. Third date, bigger kiss. Fourth date, XXX. If you move too fast, she will let you know.

Now, I laugh at all this stuff I used to do. When I go to bars today, I don’t give a rip about any of the above. My “playing days” are over, and I go to have drinks and fun with friends. If an opportunity to talk to an interesting woman arises… great. If not, who cares? I have abandoned the aformentioned “strategy” in favor of a more relaxed time. The conversations that I have in bars now are less frequent, but higher in quality. It depends on your goals which strategy you use. My goals have changed as far as what type of woman I want to meet.

Bearflag, I was with you 'till you started talking about “using the less-attractive woman to get to the attractive woman.” Firstly, that just feels, well, too calculating. Secondly, dollars to donuts says the “less-attractive woman” is going to be more interesting to talk to. Thirdly, I don’t like using “less-popular” women as tools to get to their more popular mates. I have a lot of female friends who’ve been used that way, and I (and more to the point they) don’t appreciate it.

But your idea about “confidence” sounds good. I need to get me some of this here “confidence.” I’m sure I can find it at Ralph’s. :slight_smile: