My husband and I have decided to no longer allow his mother to be a part of our lives. We were basically waiting for her to come to us. Our feeling was that if we went to her that what we had gone through would only get worse. Lots of issues on many different things.
It turns out that my husband lost job, we had to move and we have also have come into some money, We decided that now we should buy an rv and see the country with the kids.
His mother hears that we are moving and has a fit. Calls eveyone but us or his bother to get the info she is looking for. Mind you, she could have reached through e mail, phone or letter or even have asked her other son for our new number and asked us what was going on. She did none but she did manage to call my best friend and ask her questions. She being my best is well aware of all of the things we have gone through she told ever detail of our life. She knew that this is not at all what I would have wanted but she flet she had the right to know it.
I always charished the fact that we may differ on certain things but she would also ways you are wrong and leave at that. I feel as if she decided what was right for all of our lives and to hell with what we as a family wanted. How can I ever trust her again.
Sorry for misspells and such I am still rather ill and a new lap top that I think I hate,
Do you out there think that she should have told my mother in law everthing? I just would have much happier is she would have given her our cell # and told to ask us.
Well… first off, I’m trouble understanding you.
Second, you guys left without telling his Mom? Has there been a history of something that isn’t mentioned in the OP?
Third, your friend (if I got this part right), made a mistake. Is there a history of this? Or is this a first time deal? Maybe friend was right. Hard to tell with the garbled OP.
Please restate clearly.
When did you decide to cut his mom out of your lives? If the trouble is that your friend blabbed when questioned that you were severing contact with her, then why did you say that his mom could have called/emailed/written you for info when she probably wouldn’t have been able to? Maybe your friend didn’t want to give out your cell phone number since you’d said you were severing contact? Kind of hard to do that when she knows how to reach you even after you’d moved away.
Very confusing post, sorry.
We have not spoken to her since about March.
This was after we had paid for family counseling but to what seemed on her end that this is who she was and that was it.
basically my best friend was well aware of the things that we gone through with her and she has had always seemed to agree with us that what was going on was not okay and not healthy.
His mother gets the idea that we are indeed moving and that it is her right to know where her grandson is. What we would have liked is if it had been our choice of what to tell he. I never involved her. I would conplian ask for advice but I never asked to talk to her anything close to that.
If she had been told to simple talk us as to her decided what was right and what was wrong in our lives.
I think what I am most up set over is that she new how I flet. that I would never think it would be okay for her to do such a thing. That she decided that this womens need to know far out weighed what my wishes.
Could his mother have gotten the info she wanted through lets say, her other son or god forbid by speaking to us. Yes but instead she chose to go through others to get her way.
I fell that as a best friend she could have aleat called me and talk to me about it before hand. I would never tell anyone her bussiness with out either talking to her first or telling them to to her instead of me.
I know that she knows that there would be only one way I would feel about it and it did not matter to her. What seemed to be of great vaule was someone whinny on the end of the phone about how mean we are.
When she knows that we are not informed of deaths or marragies but if we move well then she had better damn well be told about it.
This is the same women who called up our landlord wanting to know why we were moving and that she was calling the socail service and that they had better be prepaird to answer there questions.
You have also note that we have disagreements but she always left at that.Never had she ever gone behind my back.
I can see there is trouble here, but gosh… This is really hard to parse:
Um… Take care of yourself and your loved ones, okay? Forget her.
Hard to get a real contextual feel for your situation given your somewhat fractured syntax, but the upshot seems to be that you have a meddling, controlling mother in law, that as the wife to her son, you are locked in a past and present mutual loathing battle with, and that you are going to move away without telling her that you were going or were you were going, and essentially cutting her off from her ability to see her grandkid.
She went nuts when she got wind of this and because you had changed our phone number started calling all your friends and acquaintances to see what was going on, because she did not trust you or did not want to ask you directly. Your friend told her your plans and you thought she would keep your confidence and now you are disappointed she did not.
It sounds like you and your MIL need some distance from each other. Re your friend it’s diffcult for anyone to be placed between an anxious grandparent and grandchild. If anything, if I was your friend, and I received a call like that one night from a desperate grandmother demanding information and afraid of losing access ot her grandkid, I might well be highly pissed at you (fairly or unfairly) for being placed in the middle of this soap opera that exists between you and your mother in law.
She may have violated the boundaries of what you feel was appropriate information to diviulge, but you owe her an apology for Granny being sicced in her in the first place by the intricacies of your convoluted inter-family drama.
Actually you can do this, although it depends how much you really want to break the friendship bonds. You could say something to the effect of… “I am sorry my confidences put you in the middle like that. I guess i better not trouble you with information that could cause you those problems again.” You can even do it as a card if you would prefer not to talk to her right now.
It hurts when people betray a trust. It could be very difficult to rebuild it after that. Friends are the ones who are supposed to be on your side. Even if they think you are wrong about your course of action they should certainly tell you before they blab it to the world.
Your ‘friend’ does not have your best interests at heart. Your ‘friend’ decided she knew what was best, rather than doing what it sounds like she would’ve known you’d prefer.
Your ‘friend’ was not put in the middle of anything. You and your friend have a relationship, which she betrayed the spirit of. She could’ve easily told your MIL that she wasn’t getting involved, it was none of her business, that MIL should contact her son or DIL directly, or just hung up on her. There was no reason for your friend to blurt everything out to your MIL, other than she took it upon herself to do so.
Whether or not she remains your friend is up to you, how much of a betrayal you rate this as, whether anything similar has happened in the past or if this is an out-of-the-blue thing, etc.
As for MIL, if things were bad enough to cut her off, this doesn’t change that. Don’t do anything about her calling your ‘friend’ as MIL will just get a response, and more family drama, which it sounds like she’s after. Continue to do what you have been doing, and keep her from your lives, no responding, if that’s what you’ve decided. Toxic families suck, and I’m sorry for you I just hope your husband is 100% with you on this, otherwsie there’s a lot more heartache.
How do you feel about your friend ? Do you want to try to patch it up with her ? Try to get her to see how you view this ? Or is this sort of a last straw with her ?
You might find this board helpful, as they specialise in family issues, particularly those which are toxic enough to warrant cutting off.