Okay.
So I just got into (another) argument with my best friend tonight. I want to know what the general consensus is on said argument.
a.) I do not currently speak to my parents. I was with a guy for eight years that they didn’t “approve of,” to the point that they disowned me for a while over it, mainly because he was of a different race, and also because my parents are very religious people and ergo I “gave away” something to this guy that wasn’t “mine to give,” because my body belongs to God and my father. In that order.
b.) When I was still trying to patch things up with my parents several years ago, and of the “live and let live” mentality, my best friend “April” and my mother got to know one another. My mother bought two puppies from April, and they’re both wildly obsessed dog-people so they would talk frequently about the dogs. April still “dog-sits” at her house for my mother, even though they live in different cities. My parents will drive to April’s house to drop the dogs off when they go on vacation because April is the only one they “trust” with the precious babies.
c.) My parents pretended to “get over it” for awhile, and I assumed that meant that regardless of what they think of the choices I’ve made, their relationship with me was more important…so they were content to keep their mouths shut…but April and I went to go visit my mother two summers ago, and when I went across the street to visit with neighbors, my mother seized the opportunity to unload on April all the crap that she’s really been thinking this whole time. (Horrible, painful, bigoted BS.) She hadn’t “gotten over it” at all. She was just waiting for the opportunity to strike. She thinks the world of April and she thought she had a potential ally and she saw her moment.
d.) April is my best friend, not my mother’s, so she eventually (within a couple of weeks) told me the gist of what my mother said about me, my life, my relationship, etc.
e.) I called my mother to verify this information, and my mother said that, yes, she did say all that crap, and she still believes it, and she won’t change her mind.
f.) I hung up on my mother and haven’t spoken to her since.
Now, my question is…the argument is…does April have any right to talk to my mother about me? Like I said, April still dog-sits for my parents. That’s fine. Whatever.
But the question is, does April have any right to tell my mother anything about me? Like I said, it’s been almost two years since I’ve spoken to either of my parents, because other than the occasional hateful absurd email, they have made no effort to contact me, and I’m of the opinion that life is too short to deal with that kind of bigoted, backward, hateful, painful BS. I extended the olive branch for five years, and I thought they’d accepted it, but then my mother betrayed me by spewing all this crap at April, and I decided then, and I still think, that I just don’t want to deal with it. They don’t deserve to know what’s up with me. That’s their choice. And I don’t deserve to deal with them, either.
April is on the fence. On the one hand, she sees my point, but on the other hand, she feels like she can be the “bridge” between my parents and I. Particularly my mother, whom she still talks to. Ostensibly because of the dogs, but I don’t buy that. I know damn well my mother sees April as a source of info on me.
Like, “Well, I know I’m not talking to Audrey and all, but I know she’s alive and doing okay because otherwise April would tell me! I hear she’s doing just fine, so I don’t have to grow up and admit to my mistakes just to find out what’s going on with my only daughter! That’s what April’s for! Audrey’s doing just fine! And that’s okay with me!”
April says she doesn’t tell my mother anything other than “Audrey’s fine, she’s okay, she’s still working at X” type of stuff. She says she can’t help it. She says, “But that’s your MOTHER!”
I say my mother has no right to that information, or ANY information, and that April is actually hindering any kind of bridge between us by giving my mother the best of both worlds. If my mother had no other source of info on me, she just might grow the hell up and try to build a bridge me with me herself.
As it is, she doesn’t have to swallow her pride and her opinions and actually try, because she knows “enough” through April.
April is trying to convince both of us to talk to one another. I think it’s honestly not her place to try. It isn’t her life, or her mother, or her daughter, and she doesn’t know everything that I know, and even if she did, she’s not the one in the middle of it. I know she means well, and that her intentions are good, but I still feel like she’s kind of betraying me every time she even says my name to my mother.
What’s the consensus here? Is April right, or am I?