A Dilemma: What Should I Do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not sure this is the right forum: basically, I’m asking for advice here.

The situation is this:

My best friend is a woman I have known for twenty years - ever since we were teens. I have known her mom for the same length of time, only obviously not as well.

Well, these two have about the worst mother-daughter relationship you can imagine. Daughter thinks mom is an ultra-controlling, judgmental bitch; mom thinks daughter can’t do anything right and is a big disappointment. They barely speak to each other, and it is painful being in the same room with the two of them - such is the hostility.

Well, my friend smokes, and I used to (I quit). A few days ago, I get a package in the mail. It is from mom. The package contains all sorts of pamphlets on the dangers of smoking. Mom sent a note, saying as follows:

"Hi (me):

I’m sending these articles along for you and (my friend, her daughter). Please share them with her, as they contain useful information. Please don’t be offended but I’m quite concerned about it. Also, there is no need to indicate that I sent them.

Sincerely, (her)".

Now, here is my dilemma.

I know that my friend already knows all about the dangers of smoking, wants to quit, but just hasn’t worked up the willpower to do it. We have of course talked about it a lot (esp. when I quit - “mom” doesn’t know about that yet). Giving her these pamphlets without explaination will not go over well, I know it.

I also know that if my friend knew her mom sent this stuff and these instructions to me, she would be furious - she would see this as sneaky and manipulative on mom’s part, using her friend to do the nagging that she won’t listen to first-hand.

However, if she found out that mom was corresponding with me, and I don’t tell her, she may get mad at me.

My instinct is to just file the letter away and forget about it, meanwhile doing what I can to help my friend come to her decision to quit. That way, no-one gets mad. Is this the right thing to do?

2

Couldn’t you just return the pamphlets saying “I share your concern and will try to help your daughter quit smoking anyway but I would rather not be put in the position where I have to keep secrets from your daughter”

3

Somebody wants you to get in the middle of a long-standing mother-daughter grudge match AND to give a long-time adult smoker a bunch of brochures about how bad smoking is and why they should quit?

What you should do is take a long vacation and stay away from both of them until they pick a new subject to fight over.

Failing that, rehearse this line over and over until you get it absolutely right.

“Letter and booklets? No, I never got any letter and booklets. Why do you ask?”

4

This is great. I double recommend it.

5

Tell your friend about the letter from her mom and ask if she wants the pamphlets. That’s how you stay out of this. If your friend and her mom get in a fight because of this, so be it. It’s not your job to keep them from fighting about stuff that doesn’t involve you.

6

What Lobsang said.

Or you just hand the grenade to your friend and say, “Yer ma sent me these. I’m not supposed to tell you that.” and enjoy the fireworks.

7

Well, aside from the fact that I’m not gonna avoid my best friend over this, I like this advice - I think this is one case in which pleading ignorance is best - I like your line, and I think I will take it. With your permission, of course. :slight_smile:

8

I considered that, but I worry that it may encourage mom to write back, start up a whole correspondance on the subject of her daughter - even if each of my letters says “I don’t want to discuss this stuff, please stop”.

She is a singularly determined woman.

9

A possible variant might be:

“Anti-smoking pamphlets? No, I don’t think… Wait a minute! I DO remember a package like that! Right - it was shortly after I quit smoking. I figured they were for me, and since I no longer needed them, I guess I didn’t pay much attention to them.”

10

Personally, I think lying is generally a bad idea.

Plus, if you say you didn’t get the packet, she’ll just send another.

The articles are really secondary. What the mother wants is for her daughter to quit smoking. And she wants this for reasonable and caring reasons. She’s not trying to control her; she just wants her to be healthier and happier. And she knows that if she tells her daughter, her daughter will feel lectured to and won’t listen, so she’s trying to go through you, her trusted friend.

Just toss the articles and tell the mother the truth: you share her concern, you’ve quit and you’re encouraging her daughter to quit.

11

Having known a few individuals like the one’s you’ve described, this option gets my vote too.

12

Heck, I fully appreciate why mom is sending me this stuff.

I share her concern, naturally. Smoking is bad stuff, which is why I quit.

My worry is this: that mom’s rational, laudable attempt to help daughter overcome smoking will be seen by daughter as yet another in a long line of attempts by mom to manipulate and control.

What I don’twant is to engage mom in a dialogue about this stuff. I know mom is feeling a lot of frustration over basically losing any control over daughter (who is now in her 30s, independant, etc.), and is just dying to have someone to talk to about it - someone like me.

But I don’t want to. It would involve being put in the crossfire. My ultimate loyalty is to daughter, not mom. Any information I give to mom may be betraying a confidence. So I’d rather not talk to mom at all, without daughter around. Particularly as I know just about everything, and daughter tells mom nothing.She is sure to ask me stuff I would have to either refuse to answer or lie about (like “who is my daughter dating?”).

The sad part is that I love my friend, who is the sweetest nicest person; but mom isn’t really as bad as she thinks - it is just that, for whatever reason, they can’t get along over anything. They are both reasonably rational, except on the subject of each other. When they are together, it is like they regress into paranoid nastyness. Even buying curtains together for daughter’s new apartment becomes like some sort of cosmic struggle for dominance.

In spite of which, they surely love each other - in a way.

13

In my experience (and in all the TV soaps too!), the facts will come out.
Therefore I recommend that you don’t lie.

It is certainly unfair that the Mum is trying to carry on her arguments with her daughter through you.

I like a version (bolding mine) of Lobsang’s returning the pamphlets saying “I share your concern and will try **in my own way ** to help your daughter quit smoking anyway but I will not be put in the position where I have to keep secrets from your daughter”

14

Yes, this is exactly how I think your friend will interpret this. I’ve been in your friend’s situation before and that is how I perceived everything my dad ever told me.

Which is why as the 3rd party in all this, it’s your job to stay out of all this.

[quote=Mathus]
My ultimate loyalty is to daughter, not mom. Any information I give to mom may be betraying a confidence. So I’d rather not talk to mom at all, without daughter around. Particularly as I know just about everything, and daughter tells mom nothing.She is sure to ask me stuff I would have to either refuse to answer or lie about (like “who is my daughter dating?”).

[quote]
You are in a position very similar to what spouses have to deal with when dealing with in-laws. It is a difficult position to be in, but I think you can get through this without hurt feelings coming from your friend or your friend’s mother.

Unfortunately I think their situation is one that they can only work out between themselves. I was fortunate. My dad grew to realize that he raised a boy (me) who has grown to become a man who is capable of making his own decisions. I grew to realize that my dad only wants what is best for me and that he is much wiser than I had given him credit for.

Your friend and her mother are going to have to work that out for themselves. You can only support and be there for your friend, and try to talk to her so she can grow and see what it is that her mother is truely trying to do.

In the meantime, I suppose that I would just give the info to your friend and say, “Your mother sent this to me to give to you.” Then explain that you don’t want to get into the middle of things between her and her mom. Try to use this as a way to let your friend know how you see things and that mom is just trying to help and not be a nag. Maybe it will open up an opportunity to help your friend see that mom isn’t all that bad.