Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!
Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!
Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!
Bwahha Ha ha! Spoon! HA!
Cat Haikus are funny:
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
I always like computer haikus too:
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
I ate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.Nerds in the ether
Learning wows the unseen crowd
Who needs to get laid?
Cafe Society
Klingon proverbs, Simpsons quotes
How bored are you guys?
Digital hive-brain
Flame-war threads will bifurcate
The seizure is grand mal
Four windows open
Three for Straight Dope, one for porn
Multitasking rules!
Hit “Post Reply” and wait
Weary hamsters puff and wheeze
Curse my full bladder!
Need five syllables
Seven more syllables here
Five more right here – done!
Sushi sushi squid
Sushi sushi sushi squid
Sushi squid haiku
Kaotic Newtral,
The Buck-ninety-eight story
Brings old jokes to mind
I hope you don’t mind
If I take some liberties
With your persona
(Kaotic Newtral
Will be referred to here as
The OP henceforth)
*The OP went down
To a darkly lit alley
Looking for some sex
The OP asked a
Whore what he could get for just
A buck ninety eight
After laughing hard
The hooker said, “A penguin!”
(Perhaps you’ve heard this…)
“So what’s a penguin?”
Asked OP Kaotic in
a somewhat miffed tone
“Give me your money”
Said the whore to the OP
As she dropped his pants
After his trousers
dropped down to his ankles, his
shorts then followed suit
Fully aroused now
The OP was excited
As the whore knelt down
Her lips parted and
He smiled and closed his eyes in
anticipation
Then nothing happened
He opened his eyes and saw
The whore running off
Undressed and hobbled
by his clothing, he cried out
“Hey where ya going?”*
This was a joke that
works a whole lot better if
it’s done in person…
Season of mists and
Mellow fruitfulness. This is
Not the right meter.
Haiku’s gnomic pith hath delighted
Generations of esthetes benighted
But the limerick’s shape
Fits the sassy, lewd jape
And it rhymes, which is not to be slighted!
Technically a haiku’s more than just the 5-7-5 construction. The first two lines should present an image, and the last should be a rephrasing of the same content or an insight. For instance:
Flightless and helpless
Once predators, now just prey
Toronto Raptors
Most geeks I adore
But those poetry Trekkies
Can still chap my ass
I try to write a
poem. I try to write a
poem. I try to.
I should be stringing
Christmas lights, but no, I write
bad haiku instead.
Best haiku ever?
Only the one contender:
this very poem.
Nice to see that there were, out of all of them, three which at least tried to conform to the original rules for the poetry form. I especially liked
though.
Silently snow falls
Covering the frozen yard;
Change the cat litter.
Limericks? All right, you asked for it…
A mathematician named Hall,
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times the circumference, plus eight
Is his phone number – give him a call…
There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
The Padre agreed
'Twas done out of need
And not out of Protestant malice.
A pleasant young couple named Kelly,
Now walk around belly to belly.
Because once, in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale,
was tattooed all the prices of ale,
whilst on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same, but in braille.
A young woman from North Carolina
Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
With the proper size cocks
What was sex became Bach’s
Toccata and fugue in D Minor
There was a young man from DeVizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
One was so small,
It was no ball at all,
While the other had won several prizes!
Twas a young fellow from Hyde,
Fell down a two-holer and died,
Along came his brother
And fell down the other
And now they’re in turd side by side.
There once was a handsome young Mr.
Who met a young woman and Kr.
She had a disease
But instead of a sneeze
His top lip developed a Blr.
There was a young lady of Fismes
Who amazingly voided four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.
There was a young woman from Norway
Who hung by her knees from a doorway.
She said to her beau,
“Hey, lookee here, Joe!
I think I just found us one more way!”
A daring young bather was viewed
To be gorgeous and totally nude
Then a man come along,
And unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a nice parson named Bings
Who talked about God and such things.
But his secret desire
Was to join a mixed choir
With nice ladies with whom he’d have flings.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who’s limericks end on line two
There once was a man from Iran,
Who poetry just didn’t scan,
the main problem is
with all limericks of his,
he tries to make sure the last line lasted as long as it possibly can.
Oedipus and Jocasta would pucker
And out of her clothes he would shuck 'er
'Til he got a surprise
And he gouged out his eyes
The pitiful, sad, Freudian archetype!
Haiku is formal;
Limericks are funny verse:
Not the same at all.
Yeah? I am rubber
You are but glue. Whatever
I say is what counts.