You know the scene, you are having an arguement and the guy comes out with a good one-liner which makes everyone laugh.
As you desperatly try to think of the best insult ever, they stop laughing and you realise that you have nothing original to say. In fact you have nothing of any comical value to say at all and you are left looking the fool and he is looking like a comical genius.
Damn I hate that!!
Anybody got any real beauties that I could store up for similar situations in the future.
I think easily the best response is simply: “The jerk store called … and they’re running out of you!”
I’m partial to two from MONTY PYTHON’S THE HOLY GRAIL—
“I explode my nipples at you!”
“I fart in your general direction!”
You’d have to hope that they never watched Seinfeld because if they did they’d know to respond “Who cares? You’re their most popular model!”
I learned in one of my paralegal classes that a legal term for a stupid person is someone who has a “want of understanding.” So if you you want to insult someone just tell them that they have a “want of understanding.” However, no one will get it, so it doesn’t work as a comeback.
How about “the best part of you dripped down your mommy’s leg?”
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.”
Not too many good comebacks to that.
I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food troughwiper.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
You are a prime example of why some animals eat their young.
You demonstrate why abortion should be retroactive.
One of my favorites is “I’ve wiped my ass with things smarter than you” (which is a derivative of another poster’s - I forget who - “I’ve eaten things smarter than you”. My version just happens to involve the opposite process :D).
:rolleyes:
In college, I said to a guy once “I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to have sex with you.” Even his [i[friends* laughed.
“I can diet, but you’ll always be ugly.”
…and a group insult, should you happen to walk into a room full of people you don’t like:
“What is this, an ugly convention?”
…unfortunately, if an equally clever person happens to be in said room, he or she may reply:
“…and here comes our keynote speaker!”
Hope those are helpful.
I have used a variation of this when dealing with my 3 yr. old son…
“I have underwear older than you!”
At that point, your better off just replying “Whatever”. If your good, you can do this in such a way that anyone who laughed at the joke feels like a dork for finding it funny.
And they may respond:
"You sure don’t smell like you’ve wiped your ass.
If he was smart he would have responded:
“Well your girlfriend/mom/wife wanted to have sex with me last night.”
I also liked the line from Animal House:
“Son, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.”
To quote Hyde from ‘That 70s Show’:
“Where Zen ends, ass whooping begins.”
I always liked an epithet I found in a Stanislav Lem novel. If you call someone a “corpse-licking scumberbutt” they will be completely baffled, but they know they’ve been gravely insulted. I don’t even know what it means myself. I’ve never had anyone able to come up with a retort to that, on the few occasions I used it.
Grope around for your heart with a really hurt look on your face. Then relax, smile, and say “Oh yeah, I left my heart at home.”
If you don’t care, the insult doesn’t work.
I sometimes follow this up with - “Keep up the good work, jackass. One of these days you’ll get it right.”
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I remember what your mother said to me once - “Harder, harder, faster, faster!”
Then run…
“Your village called… they’re missing their idiot.”
-Ben
So evolution does go in reverse!
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
Do me a favor, don’t reproduce.
I’ve posted this once before but you’ll see why I’m posting it again.
I have a cousin who is gay and lives in an inner city house in my home town.
These houses are incredibly small and the front, indeed only, garden is around four feet long and the width of the house.
The couple next door have been trying for a baby for years and they don’t have much time left, they have paid for fertility treatment and in-vitro fertility treatment.
The woman hates both my cousin and his SO, possibly because they represent the antithesis of her own need for children.Her husband doesn’t really care and I’ve always had a suspicion that maybe he doesn’t want kids.
My cousin’s boyfriend, who is rather posh and speaks just like the upper class English charicature, was putting out the washing on the line.
One of the sheets was flapping over the garden wall a few inches into the neighbor’s garden.
Out comes the harriden to start giving him loads of hostile abuse
“You dirty ****ing queers!”
adding,
“I know why you have to wash your sheets you ****ing queer ***stards!”
To which he replied most politely and very camp,
“At least I know why I can’t have babies”