So, yesterday, I’m walking out of school. Me and my good friend, and coincidentally, locker buddy, are in a heated argument. I’m not actually sure what it was about, something dumb no doubt. As Ben’s ignorant behavior gets me more and more mad, I’m running out of insults. “Whore! Idiot! Asshead!” I shout. I progress through the list, each matched by my quick-witted associate. In less than a minute, we’re out of insults. Ben goes back to the argument. I’m furious. “Sunshine, you just don’t get it. I’m right,” he says. I clench my fists, and shout:
“Oh, yeah? You Slave to the Customizer!”
Instantly, the argument was dissolved. What the hell was I thinking? So, anyway, whats the weirdest insult you’ve thrown at somebody, with with the intention of being mean ?
I’m looking to laugh a bit here, folks, and I think the insult would be all the sweeter if you gave it in the context, as I tried. So let’s hear them!
Not quite an insult, but a good friend has the tendancy to say things like.
“Fuck me, it’s hot”, “Fuck me, I’m hungry” …
to which I inevitably reply something like
“I don’t care how hot it is darling, I’m not fucking you, allright”
or “If I did, your girlfriend would kill me”
or …
For a while I was calling people who ticked me off “fuzzy baby bunnies,” having read somewhere (no, no cite, it’s probably not true) that this was a heinous insult in Chinese. Or maybe Japanese.
Once, me and a friend were walking through some woods. I was wearing new shoes, I stepped in a ‘mud hole’, looked at my shoes and said “wrecked them” which when spoken sounds EXACTLY like the word rectum (bum hole) we laughed harder than we’ve ever laughed, for a long time.
One time when I was in a huge shouting match with this guy in a bar he shouted something in Spanish that I didn’t understand, but it started with ‘Tu madre’ which I do. So I yelled back something about his mother in German. Unfortuately I only vaguely remember a little bit of the german I learned in High school, and just threw out the first vocabulary words I could think of and what came out was ‘Deine Mutter ist ein grosse Zwiebel um die Ecke’. Translated it would mean something like ‘your mother is an big onion around the corner’. It had the desired effect off pissing him off though, so it worked.
This was in good fun, but a friend of mine said something to the effect of, “I’m not a whore!”
I responded, in my most biting voice, “Of course not. Whores charge for their services.” The irony, of course, being that she was Mormon virgin who could count how many people she had kissed on one hand…
And another time, I was playing a board game with a friend, who happened to be Jewish, while I was raised Christian. Neither of us really practiced our religions. He procedes to win the game we are playing, and says something to the effect of, “I just kicked your ass!”
In response, I shout as loud as I can (in a room full of people), “Yeah, well, you killed my God!!!” Everybody in the room goes silent then we just bust out laughing.
Lobsang! That stories hilarious! I also like the over sodomized puff adder, the sheer creativity astounds me. Wolfman, you reminded me of something I do. Foreign languages are a great way to add a little spice to insults, I think. Haha, keep them coming!
My best friend is quite tall, and a very talented theatrical singer and actor. However, recently he’s been quite absent from the theatre (instead, he joined a pirate guild)… one day, while discussing his choice of career, it was pointed out to him that he belonged in a theatre, that he should get some training in musical theatre, etc. Finally, I just blurted out that he was being a “6’7” waste of talent."
The worst one I know is one I made up “Why don’t you go suck your mother’s dick.” That one is ugly.
My mother has been known to call me a “farthead”. I believe “farthead” is an original, please tell me if it is not.
I used to work for a casino. One night at the craps table we were “coloring up” a customers smaller chips into bigger chips. The customer had an argument with our supervisor, saying that he was short changed (he was an idiot, but wait…). After the argument he stated to us “May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose!” and walked off. We were insulted, but being from Mississippi, we couldn’t quite figure it out. We laughed our asses off.
You are about as entertaining as a child’s inflatable punching toy. You bop it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away. Is there anything I need to know about you other than your a grungy social outcast? Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if you weren’t so stupid that even single-celled organisms out score you in IQ tests; if your weren’t so fat from all that cheap beer you spend your Welfare payments on that your belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine, or if you didn’t have a face like a bulldog chewing a stinging nettle while taking a constipated dump in a heat wave. No, come to think of it, you would.
Boy… I wouldn’t want to get Phlosphr mad… But, just today, I came up with another one. After numerous dumb, annyoing questions, I was fed up with this girl. So, I declared she had “The IQ of an uncooked potato,” I like this one because it implies that a cooked potato, would be smarter
