Best SCRUBS quotes

Ever find yourself quoting JD, Turk, Eliot, et al in odd moments?

Then share your favorite lines with the group.

“This club has one rule, Dorothy. We’re men. All of us. The women are men, the children are men, the men, of course, are men. You’re a member now. Be a man.”

I’d give the context and the speaker, but that wouldn’t be manly.

“Here’s a prescription for two testicles. Get it filled whenever you like.”

They didn’t give me exactly the right set up, but I did get to pull the last line from this much loved exchange.

Dr. Cox: I’m assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you’re here for my self respect – but there’s bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you!
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn’t have room for it, anyway, what with your testicles in my trophy case.

Dr. Clock: Perry, no one’s pure evil! I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside!
Dr. Clock: So they’d have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren’t chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.

Don’t listen to her, Brown Bear, your body’s fierce–like Taye Diggs.

This is my all-time favorite Scrubs quote:

Surgeon: Hey Todd, you were great in surgery this morning.

The Todd: Thanks! You were great in the shower this morning! You know, dong-wise.

Ah, The Todd:

“Betrayal Five!”

“Euphemism Five!”

Carla: Why don’t you look into your heart and see how it feels?

JD: My heart hates ugos!

What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? (Points to self) This guy!

My daughter and I like to quote Ted after we’ve zinged each other.

“That hurts here (pointing to head) and here (pointing to heart).”

And of course, Cox is always good for many…“Nay nay nay nay a thousand times nay!” And “God, my brilliance is becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.”

And, after watching The Todd do his usual WTF scene, my daughter turned to me and said, “What is he?”

Altogether now…“He’s The Todd.”

Dr. Cox: sung to the tune of that clock-chime song Wrong, wrong wrong wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. You’re wrong!!

Carla: Enough with the innuendo!
The Todd: I’d like to put something in her end-o!


The Todd: I’ll double her entendre!

Sterile high five!

You stole mine!

Too many good quotes to count, but one that I think about randomly when I take pills is from the first episode when JD asks about giving Aspirin to an elderly patient and Dr. Cox says something like - It’s aspirin…you open her mouth and throw a handful in there, whatever makes it in is the dose!

“So’s your face” has become my ultimate comeback line

Jordan: “Where’s Ben? And if you say ‘I don’t know’, I’m going to show you what I learned in my crotch-punching class.”

JD: “It’s nice that you’re going back to school.”

Julie: “Plomox only has a few side effects. Namely, nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.”

Dr. Cox: “I’m getting two of the three just listening to this conversation.”

J.D. Yeah, well find this
Carla: You know you’re supposed to grab your crotch when you say that
J.D. Wouldn’t that hurt?

Everyone together now:
Payback is a bitch!
Payback is a bitch!

Dr Cox gets all the best quotes, no question:

Dr. Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan; Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. Okay! That was a treat, wasn’t it? [to Jordan] Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

J.D.: Your ex-wife. She’s the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh… Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges!

Jordan: Hi, honey, I’m home. You know, you should lock your door. There’s horrible people out there.
Dr. Cox: There’s horrible people right in here!

Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I’m proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It’s not like you haven’t had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, that cute intern in radiology, your ex-wife…
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: (laughs) Dammit, now I’m too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!

Jordan and Cox always have the best lines.

Jordan is packing to leave, and Cox bursts in, out of breath.

“Jordan, will you…will you divorce me?”

“Oh, I thought you’d never ask!”