Well, you should’ve been more specific, and I, uh…just didn’t want to risk marring your beautiful face!! Yeahm that’'s it!!! :D:
Twisty sounds like the perfect bitch! I’m especially impressed with pros 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. Pro 2 isn’t that important because I like doing dishes. As for the cons… the only one that is kind of disturbing to me is #6 but I think I can manage because I don’t have much time to get on the internet at home. As for his care and feeding… e-mailing Twisty 10-20 times a day is no problem at all… I e-mail all day long. I also love to talk on the phone so I could even call 4-5 times a day and just ask random questions such as…
Twisty, do you eat lima beans? OK. That’s all I wanted. Love you. smooch Bye.
I would mail postcards, letters, pictures, candy, my underpants (unsoiled course 
), the hair from my hairbrush, used dental floss, etc., as mementos for Twisty to keep in his bedside table and pictures for his wallet so he can remember at all times whose bitch he is. And he would have to have some type of shrine for his former bitchmaster Tator, of course.
I would treat him well, love him and take care of him, and give him a sound spanking when the occassion calls for it.
Respectfully submitted,
Rachelle
Hmmm…emailing random thoughts? I can do that. Lord knows I’m online damn near 24/7 anyway. 
As for the picture, I already have Doper pictures around my office, so people are used to asking me who the HELL people are.
I’d also allow him to move the tatertot shrine from his wallet to his bedroom. I mean, we can’t just get rid of it! We all owe tater a debt of gratitude for molding Twisty into the wonderful bitch he is today!
As for the cons…hrm. #2 doesn’t matter, since I doubt he could pick me up to START with. #3…no comment, considering I almost fell asleep on a table last Saturday in Chicago. #8…well hell, my parents live in Tennessee, and sometimes I don’t understand y’all.
Much like Rachelle, I’d love him, care for him, and yell at him or smack him when he deserved it. (And ask Satan. I’m good at smacking people.)
Falcon
I’m just a guy that can’t say no.
so what am I going to do? All these beautiful women wanting me…
Now Twisty dear, you have plenty of time to make a decision so don’t let it go to your head that you’re wanted by so many gorgeous women. I’m sure that whomever you choose will bring you back to reality if you’re ego gets too inflated.
And, FTR, I could really use a good bitch right now. My best friend is moving to Florida the first of next year and I’m not going to have anyone to tell my secrets too, no one to get drunk with on the phone, and e-mail dirty jokes to, no one will be there to rate my burps on a scale of 1-10, no one to talk to about old boyfriends, sex, music, love, ex-spouses… the list goes on and on. His girlfriend doesn’t like us spending too much time on the phone or hanging out so I’m sure once he moves down there to be with her the phone calls and e-mails will stop soon thereafter. I’m all sad now at the thought of him moving away. I need to take a moment. More to come.
That’s not just a good sort of complementary effect,evilbeth, that’s poetry! And, I can be evil, too. Really. Have you not seen this? Look at how manipulative I am. I mean, I was stealing compliments from Scotticher – you have to be truly evil to do that. Oh, and, one time I locked my little sister out of the basement… or rather, she locked me in, but it’s basically the same thing… Last year, I brought my roommate (from hell) a piece of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory in a flavor she didn’t like. And I thought bad words at her when I gave it to her… When I taught Sunday school for kindergarteners and we would have time left over to play, I would cheat at Duck, Duck, Goose… I once convinced my friend Allison that there was a song called “Turnip Truck, My Ass” by Ariana Bulsheckivic and she embarrassed herself by calling up the local radio station to request it… Whenever I go to church, I can’t help but think how much fun it would be to binge on communion wafers. That’s bad, right?
<…pause…>
Who am I kidding? I’m just not evil enough. Damn. I really, really wanted a Twistybitch, too. <sniff, sniff> If I don’t win him, can I be a bitch-master-in-training? You know, so that when he’s all broken in and you’re sick of him, I can have 'im?
1.) I need a bitch to do my dishes. I hate doing dishes. Gets my fingers all wrinkly and my nailpolish ends up chiped. Feh.
2.) I need someone to call my kids (ok, technically they’re my friends) and pretend to be a leprechun.
3.) I REALLY need someone to do my dishes.
4.) Ever since my friend came back from junior year abroad in France, my European chocolate/cheap Nutella connection has ceased to exhist. This saddens me.
5.) Any excuse to fire up the iBrooke makes me happy. And I am sure we can all agree I am exceedingly mundane and pointless.
6.) I’m serious. I don’t have any forks left. If I wasn’t such a lazy ass, I’d shut off this damn Pandora’s Box and do a load of dishes.
7.) See my original post in this thread.
8.) Unlike the fine Southern Belles of the SDMB, I am a Yankee. The only regional foods I can offer are gravy fries (OK, those are French-Canadian. But we’re close!) and New England Apple pie. No biscuts with icky cat hair in them or what-have-you. Don’t get me wrong, Southern cooking is devine, but as the bitch in question doesn’t seem to see the divinity in it, I am forced to point out how throughly Yankee I am.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, is my closing argument. Now, as I am objectively viewing the harsh compitition, I think I should go ahead and get cracking on those dishes, just in case I am left bitchless.
He really likes fajitas, but you have to make them the way I do…I’ll send the recipe. What is really fun, is to e-mail him, and pull his leg and pull it and pull it, til he finally gets that your funnin’ him. Actually what’s most fun is to BCC it to Globey, in fact that was my birthday present to her this year. But she doesn’t come with the deal, so you’ll have to find your own partner. And rather than actually call him at work, one needs to leave cryptic little messages on his handy, he loves that. And they have strange bacon in Ireland, I’m not sure if he could get used to our good American bacon or not - just something to keep in mind.
Serendipity, I was thinking of opening tatertot’s l’il red schoolhouse of evil, but then I figured it’s best for you younguns to learn on your own, just like I did. If, however, you are chosen, I will be kind and send you my list of bookmarks to the most evil postcards on the web. You must send him those at irregular intervals - always keep your bitch guessing, I can not stress enough how important that is!
Um…wasn’t there supposed to be a decision by our beloved Twistydear?
Or am I just high again?
tater, do you think I could get that list of bookmarks even if I don’t get Twisty? If I have to learn to be evil on by my lonesome, I’ll need some references and a jumping off point.
Well, damnit! I basically have no shot at getting Twisty now!
Look at all these women!
But I love him!! Doesn’t that count for anything?!?!
Even though I’ve never actually seen him, I think he is absolutely adorable!
I’m like Charlie Brown–just sitting in front of my mailbox waiting for my mail with pictures of young Twisty.
I yearn, I pine, I need Twisty!
(John, is this helping in any way?)
According to Cubby, there will be a decision today, before he gets off of work, which is approx. noon Eastern Time (sorry bethie, I added the wrong way yesterday). If he doesn’t make a decision, I will make one for him.
Serendipity: I will think about forwarding you those bookmarks. Thing is, I’ve got this feeling that you will become a much better BitchMaster if you have to do it yourself.
bethie: Of course you love him, sweetie. But, I’m afraid it doesn’t count for much, because everyone loves Twisty, he’s just too adorable.
Damn! At noon today I will be in class! I guess I can wait to find out the bad news until I get home…
OH MY GOD!!!
Guess what I just got in the mail?
Yep, my postcard from DubDope complete with pictures!
Twisty, you have to be my bitch now!!
Hell, I’ll be your bitch!
Damn, boy, you are one hell of a cutie!
I have to have you! I’ll fight!
Didn’t I tell you? If Fergal and Joe weren’t such manly bitches, I tell ya, I’d have a hard time giving him up.
Pout. Um, aren’t I cute too?
Yeah, I mentioned you in the other thread but I’ll do it here, too. So, tater, how you doin’?
That’s more like it! Can’t have people thinking my former bitch is cuter than I am. 
hmmmmm…
Falcon, You put up a good bid, but unfortunately I could not be your bitch as I just wouldn’t be able to fufil my duties. Even a bitch needs sleep, and when I’m online, you are in the land of nod.
Serendepity, My dear, you also, came very close. I just feel you lack the experience as a bitchmaster. maybe when I tire out the winner (;)) she may want to pass me along to you.
Rachelle, my belle, how I enjoy our chats. You were beaten by the best, and I hope I havent left you heart-broken. (tell the kiddies I said hello!!)
Swiddles-- I would love to be your bitch, but the envy of the other males would be too much for me too bear, and I would be bullied into revealing your intimate details to unscruplous members of the board. (sorry Mullinator.)
Sue, A very close second. but I cannot lie to you. you just didn’t pander enough.
and the winner is:
Evilbeth. She wanted me more than the rest of you all.
So, [darth vader] What is thy bidding, master?[/darth vader]
Not only am I heartbroken but I am pissed! I really wanted someone to watch the kids while I got some nooky. Do you know how hard it is to have a romp in the hay in the middle of the afternoon when you have two kids running around the house? Well, it’s possible and has happened before but still… a sitter bitch would’ve been nice to have.
I’m gonna have the kids call you and tell you what an evil little man you are for hurting their mommy like this. They’ll never forgive you.
[sub]still love ya though. smooch[/sub]