I’d like to know some of Twisty’s bitch qualifications so I know exactly what I’m bidding for. I’d hate to get stuck with a worthless bitch!
I’d like to know some of Twisty’s bitch qualifications so I know exactly what I’m bidding for. I’d hate to get stuck with a worthless bitch!
I’d like to know some of Twisty’s bitch qualifications so I know exactly what I’m bidding for. I’d hate to get stuck with a worthless bitch!
Dammit. I hit submit and it says “Page Cannot Be Displayed” so I do it two more times. Somebody slap me!!
I hope this doesn’t ruin my chance to have a Twistybitch!
::slap::
Thanks. Now I can finish out the day with this hand print across my cheek to remind me of the shame of multi-posting. Next time though lurker, slap my face and not my ass… o.k.
Hmmmm…what should I bid…
looks around apartment Well, I have two 6 packs of GOOD beer, and two bottles of wine. So there’s my opener. 
by His Former BitchMaster
Pros:
-
Good listener, will sit there for five hours or more just listening to you blather on about your life, career, relationships, and why you hate so and so.
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Will do dishes.
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Will call the children in your life and pretend to be a leprechaun
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A Bitch with an accent has a certain cachet, don’t you think?
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Owns New Order on vinyl
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Thinks your the greatest thing since sliced bread even after you tell him all of your deep, dark secrets.
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Nice, comfy tummy
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Willing to babysit so you can get nooky
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Intelligent
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Good sense of humor
Now, aside from point 3, these are pretty generic, although I must say that Cubby has been one of the best friends I have ever had, and I love him to pieces. It’s a shame we had to break up. 
But, now I’ll get on to what y’all are really waiting for, which are the cons:
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Has pesky job, life that get in the way of his bitchly duties
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Dropped me in the hallway.
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Falls asleep in the oddest places
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Makes me feel fat
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Is destined (or doomed?) to be 5. <–Heh, couldn’t resist throwing in that inside joke. An added bonus of aquiring Twistybitch, he’ll explain it to you! In fact, I’ll pay good money to be able to sit there and watch him try and explain it.
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Doesn’t have internet at home
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Forgets to leave his phone on even though he knows you are going to call him to see if he got home okay. No really, I’m over it…it didn’t make my 11 1/2 hour journey back home that much worse being worried about you being run over a bus or something. No, no, really think nothing of it.
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Doesn’t understand us sons and daughters of the soil
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Overprotective. Way, way, overprotective
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Tells me that he feels intimidated by gorgeous women, then not five minutes later tells me how “comfortable” he feels around me. Hello?!?!
Things that are not inherently flaws or pluses:
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Bad speller - now, for me this is a plus, because I can’t spell worth crap, but for you picky folks it could get irritating
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Brings out “motherly” urges - again, for me this is fine, but for you people expecting him to fulfil more carnal duties, well, let’s hope you don’t have those mommy genes
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After you’ve spoken to him enough, you can hear his voice & see the faces he’s making in your head. This can get creepy.
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Signs his letters “Best Regards”. For some reason, I find this surreally formal, considering we’ve slept together and all.
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It’s very hard to stay mad at him & you always feel guilty afterwards. Not a very good quality in a bitch, I think.
Next: The Responsibilities of a BitchMaster - It ain’t all fun and games you know! Taking on a bitch is a big undertaking!
Is it too late to put in a bid? Because the more I think about, the more I realize that I am in dire need of a bitch. Really, I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive so long without one. Here are my justifications for wanting TwistofFate for my own personal bitch:
[ul]
[li]I am a newbie and need something to up my status here at the good old SDMB. Yeah, I could write out tomes of articulate and insightful posts, but being Twisty’s bitch master seems like a quicker route to prestige.[/li][li]My best friend has recently acquired a young English lad to dote upon her. Saturday night, my roommate discovered an Australian and an Italian who are both willing to be at her beck and call. I’m feeling a little left out of the accented boy-toy club. They will both be mad with envy if I were to get an Irish bitch, because we all know that those are the best kinds.[/li][li]The residence hall director has advised me that puppies are not allowed in the dorms. Thus, I’m in need of something else cute and cuddly that will follow me around.[/li][li]Look at our names, for goodness sake? Serendipity, TwistofFate – don’t tell me that’s not destiny in action![/li][/ul]
I cannot believe more people have not descended upon this thread requesting, nay, demanding that Twisty be their bitch!
This is a Grade A piece of potential bitch flesh we have here, ladies!
From what I have heard, you can try but you will not find a more adorable and wonderful potential bitch on this planet!
I mean, the man called little ole me all the way from Dublin while in the middle of one of the coolest Dopefests to ever take place. Could you ask for anything cooler or sweeter?
However, he is not quite ready to serve. While I agree that “Serendipity” and “TwistofFate” have a good sort of complementary effect, I think that Twisty needs an evil master for a while to whip him into shape!
After my expert subjugation, he will either be reduced to a whimpering, quivering shell of a man, huddled in the fetal position in a pool of his own urine in the darkest corner of his cage OR he will be molded into the ultimate bitch–ready and oh-so-willing to do your bidding with minimal instruction and maximum results. He will be an expert masseur, a fine gourmet chef, a patient and understanding listener and a superb boy-toy. His possibilities will be endless.
So, ladies, for your own benefit, allow me now to take young Twisty under my wing and in a manner of speaking, show him the “ropes”–I assure you, when he comes up for auction again, he will be the new and improved TwistyBitch.
Really, he takes care of himself for the most part, so there are no worries there, all you need to do, as was previously said, is remember to bring him big Toblerones from the airport duty free every time you visit him. Everything else are things he needs to be doing for you, anyways, so let him take care of it himself.
You must e-mail TwistyBitch not less than 10 times per day, M-F, preferably 20 or more. Nothing is too mundane or pointless to bother TwistyBitch with! You know all that stuff that you think is even too stupid for MPSIMS? Send it to Twisty!
At random intervals you must call TwistyBitch on the phone and say something completely unexpected just to keep him on his toes.
Even bitches need love, so once a day you must give TwistyBitch a big 'ol smooch on the forehead and tell him “I loves you!” You get bonus BitchMaster points if you do this while he’s trying to put the moves on some young lady.
At least once a week, you have to send him something with a picture of Celine Dion on it.
You must keep a picture of TwistyBitch on your computer so that when your friends come over they can accuse you of robbing the cradle.
You must also send TwistyBitch lots of personal mementoes so that he can turn his wallet into a little shrine to you. I can understand if you insist that he takes all the tatermobillia out of his wallet, but please, as a courtesy to your fellow Doperette, at least allow him to keep it in a little box. We’re still engaged to be married in 40 years, you know.
That’s about it, really he’s no trouble at all to take care of. I’ve even prepared a list of pertinant TwistyBitch data to assist you in your bitchmaster duties. ::::sniffle::: I just want to be sure he’s well taken care of…I’m going to miss my Cubby!
Well, I’m all set! I have both his e-mail address and his phone number!
And don’t worry tater, I would never dream of making him toss out his “tatermobillia”! He can keep it all! We’ll just have to get him a new, bigger wallet so he can keep his “bethiemobillia” in it also! Better still, we need to get some pictures of the two of us together!!!
P.S. Two pages!!!
Goodness, bethie, do you think he could handle both of us together in one picture? Remember, he’s still a baby!
Oooh, and I’ve already bought his Christmas present, so his new bitchmaster won’t need to bother. Now I can’t wait til Christmas, because he is going to love it!
Okay, so it’s you, Falcon, Rachelle and Serendipity who want him? Hmmmmm, how about we set the deadline for tomorrow before he leaves work…give him plenty of time to think about it & have me tell him who to choose.
Okay, help out my feeble math-impaired brain–approximately what time will that be my time?
Oh, about 10pm I think, you’re on Eastern Time, right? Don’t worry, you’ve already made an excellent case for having Twisty be your personal bitch. All we have to worry about is Christina Ricci making a last minute appearance…he’s got a thing for her, you know.
Hmmm…Ricci, huh? Well, I don’t think we have to worry about her–I’m sure she’s off scowling somewhere!
Cool! I will be at work at 10:30 my time tomorrow night just in time to check on the situation!
Aw, shucks
my answers,
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yes job is pesky.
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Did Not drop Tater in Hallway. Tater decides to lean backwards when I lifted her up to prove a point. And if I hadn’t have done it, we would have never discovered the cubby.
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yes, I do fall asleep in the oddest places.
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How on earth do I make you feel fat???
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No Comment. At all.
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soon to be rectified.
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It was an accident. after a weekend of tending to her every need you’d think she’d cut you a little slack, eh?
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Guilty as charged. but then again, who else does?
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Only because I care, but lesson learned.
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(I cant believe you found 10!) Dosent that tell you something! You’re both Beautiful and comfortable to be with! A rare combination!
as for the other comments, I’m only a bad speller because I do not preview. “Best Regards” is from my work autosignature, which I have to use.
I’m upset that you found so many flaws.
I’m making my unhappy facee right now!!
I’m shocked that I was able to find 10 good points!
Because I’m super-sized compared to you!!
No, really, I want to be there when you try and explain it to your future bitchmaster. Heh. And I was right, was I not?
Sure, now you tell me. Admit it, I remind you of one of your maiden Aunts, don’t I?
And you’re saying “OohAwwww, OoohAwwww” right now, too, aren’t you? See, it’s freaky!
So, Cubby, have you thought about your decision yet? I can’t wait to see what you decide!
I think I’ll just confuse things and toss my hat into the ring
So its:
evilbeth
Falcon
Rachelle
Swiddles
Serendipity
and
Sue
I’ve talked it over with TPFKACB, and he’s having a hard time deciding between you lovely ladies. Actually, I think he’s still holding on to the hope the Christina Ricci will pop in and sweep him off his feet. We’ll see what happens tomorrow…