Bizarro Postcard - Anyone Ever Received One Like This?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I’m sitting at my desk yesterday morning when the mail room guy brings around my mail. Little did I know that I was about to enter Bizarro Postcard World. Amongst my assorted junk mail is a 3” x 5” postcard covered front and back with what appears to be hand cut label paper filled with an 8 pt. font screed discussing some conspiracy theory beyond any I’ve ever seen before. To begin, the card is addressed to “CIA agent rpinrd,” (only substitute my real name leaving out my middle initial) and giving my work address. This is not surprising because my company has a web site that gives my profile and address, but the odd thing is that the profile has my middle initial, and also the address given on the web site includes a suite number that was not used on the card. This tells me that the person sending the card didn’t get my info. off the web site, but, no big deal because my name and address is in a few professional directories and it would be no trouble to get those.

The text is overtly racist, but not the worst I’ve ever seen, and has something to do with a CIA conspiracy centered around Utah Master Planned Communities. I’m not going to try to analyze it, but I’ll give you a few excerpts. It seems to be a transcript of some dialog, undoubtedly what the sender is hearing in their head (material in brackets is mine):

“CIA agent Wealthy White Male Republican Listen, the objective of the Grand Theft Auto poster is to keep tourists and white neighborhoods living in fear of being attacked by black males, thus advancing FORWARD the ‘Christian’ right agenda. CIA agent Mormon [random name] wants you to write about that. And your neighbor, CIA agent 650 , wants you to too. And start jotting down the license plate numbers on cars from Mitt county MA, and from LA, TX, FL, because some of them are federal agents who have a lot of insider information about “Planned Communities,” and they’re willing to share that information with us during the LEGAL CASE”
. . .
[More from CIA agent Wealthy White Male Republican] I’ll be getting in touch with CIA agent Mormon [second random name] of Times Square Alliance, and CIA agent Mormon [third random name] of Downtown Alliance, and I’ll get in touch with CIA agent [fourth random name] of Cravath Swaine and Moore, [a very high powered law firm] too, because, one of the things we’re going to be looking into, during the LEGAL CASE, is, how all these business alliances are nothing more than fronts for Mormon Mafia and Vatican Mafia and Mossad Mafia and Skull and Bones Mafia extortion rings and other organized crime rings.”

That’s enough, but believe me, it’s less than a tenth of the total content. How am I supposed to jot down all those license plates? I live in Texas!! Does the sender have any idea how many Texas plates I see in a day?!?! And I have no idea how to tell if a car is from Mitt County, MA, so I’m going to have to jot down any MA plates I see. Luckily, I hardly ever see any of those here.

Anyway, surely I’m not the only one to get one of these. Anyone else?

2

Read the fine print. It’s actually a “Buy-One-Large-Pie, Get-One-Free Tuesdays” coupon from your local Psychotic Loon Pizza, now open in a strip mall near you.

3

Oh no! Our Mormon Mafia has been discovered! Quick, activate the Emergency Procedure for pulling the Salt Lake Conference Center underground, in preparation for loading everyone on board and blasting off for Alpha Centauri! Contact the Vatican and tell them to meet us there.

4

Pfft. Yeah, like I’m gonna tell a CIA agent… :rolleyes:

Nice try, spook-boy.

5

Wow. I wish I got mail like this. I could have endless fun sendign cryptic spy-movie-type messages sporadicly to the return adress, warning him of the 1920’s style death ray now aimed at his house.

6

I don’t believe you got any such postcard. I think it’s all in your head.

7

Hmmm. No return address, just a post mark from NY, NY. However, using my CIA powers (damn, An Arky discovered my secret), I suppose sending death ray warning letters to every person in NY would be a snap.

Maybe I’ll get the Mossad to help.

It’s so funny to see an actual law firm like Cravath Swaine & Moore in this. I don’t work for them, but I’ve dealt with attorneys there before, so I know they exist*. Seeing an actual link to reality in this fantasy world is like watching the sports report on Telemundo and catching a word or two that I actually understand (“Spanish Spanish Spanish More Spanish that I don’t understand . . . Derek Jeter y Nuevo York Yankees . . . Spanish Spanish Spanish”)

*At least I THINK they exist. I’ve never actually been face to face with an attorney from Cravath, just exchanged letters and spoken on the phone. Perhaps its really an Alpha Centuri Mormon Mafia using a 1920’s style lawyer disguise trying to mess with my mind.

8

Postal worker checking in…

This sort of stuff is very, very common. If you have published a letter to the editor of a major city newspaper on a political topic, and your name is listed in the telephone directory, you can expect at least one or two crackpot letters turning up in your box. Other than that, many real hardcore crazies write address-less postcards en masse, and dump them into the mail system, knowing that “they” will read them. We used to have one guy in Sydney who called himself “THE PORT JACKSON KNIGHT” (Port Jackson is the official maritime name for Sydney Harbour). He hated Isaac Asimov with a passion, and used to dump fifty or sixty postcards into the system at a time, warning us of Asimov’s evil. Actually, they weren’t proper postcards, but betting shop tickets, and he’d scrawl all over the back of them in ALL CAPS with lots of highlights and exclamation marks.

He was my favourite, but there are many others. They’re out there, peoples.

9

I have letters from several such specimens.

Some notables:

Some from some person (also couched in “secret report” terminology and word salad) concerned about a conspiracy involving the theft, transmutation, and utilization of their mother’s brain. (The mother was always identified by her full name, honourific, and relationship to the author ie; “My, mother, Mrs. M****** W******”, dozens of times throughout the letter.") These were periodically delivered to me at work, and were updates about what was happening with Mrs. M****** W******'s brain, or information that the author had gathered relating to the origin of the mystery. At one point my correspondant narrowly avoided being incarcerated investigating a post office that evidently was using their mother’s liquified brains in their photocopier. I was also informed that the 1923 film Scream of Stone was about their mother, although they confessed that they hadn’t seen it.

Another favourite is a typewritten, all-caps missive identifying a certain Marcel B**** as an alien dragon who transformed human tissue into all manner of random substances. (There was a several-paragraph-long list, but for some reason all I can remember is that it included, after many industrial chemicals, “FLOUR, SUGAR, OILS, PEPPER, SALT,” which lead me to believe that the Marcel Dragon intended to make me into a really nasty cake.) The letter also repeatedly warned that “HE CAN STOP TIME AND YOU ARE EATING HIS SHIT!!!”

10

Damn. We need some dopers like that :slight_smile:

11

Be careful what you wish for. There have been Dopers like that. I can remember at least one name (I think) who definitely thought he was a secret agent or had a secret agent after him or something like that.

12

If we’re thinking of the same guy and his sock puppet, it was just a lonely kid looking for attention. Worked for a while, too.

13

The middle initial and the suite number were missing? I’m going to have to correct my mailing list. Sorry about those omissions. You’ll be getting correctly addressed rants from now on. I promise.

14

Those were the actual words? Ha!

“This is CIA agent Wealthy White Male Republican to CIA agent poor black female democrat, do you copy?”

“This is CIA agent middle-class Hispanic female libertarian, yu radioed me?”

"No, I wanted poor black female democrat!

“Upper-middle-class asian male communist here, can I help you?”

15

I feel left out. I work for a FedGov agency that attracts loons by the boxcar load, and I don’t get any crank postcards. :frowning:

16

Was it signed, “Francis E. Dec, Esquire, your only hope for a future”?

17

We need to collect these and publish them in a coffee table book.

18

There are. Except for the racist part and what sounds like a lot of effort, I have sent bizarre postcards and letters anonymously to people I know just because it cracks me up.

One of my favorites, which I did not send or receive but it was from one friend of mine to another, was from South Africa (IIRC) and all it said was “SEND LAWYERS GUNS & MONEY!!!” Heh, heh.

Try it. It’s fun, if you don’t mind paying the postage.

19

These things need to be on a website somewhere. Imagine the fun.

20

If it helps – and I know, it probably doesn’t – there is no Mitt County, MA. There’s no county that’s even close to that.

Not that you’re surprised to hear that, I’m sure!