Bless You! (A counterpoint to Damn it!)

[Priam]

(Dear mods, I know this is not precisely a rant but I’m writing the post as a counterpoint to my previous rant. Could you please keep this in the Pit?)

Occassionally it is good for people to pause, reflect, and remind themselves that the world is not all doom and gloom. I would like to take a moment and show one example in counterpoint to my previous rant: Damn it! (yet another gay marriage rant)

I am still upset with my state, with my region, even with my country in some pretty deep and fundamental ways, but progress is being made. And it’s being made, not through legislation or politicians, but through you. Through me. Through a gentleman in Tennessee named Jim. We’ll call him Reverend Jim, because he’s a Baptist preacher by calling.

About this time last month, he posted a piece on www.comingoutstories.com:

Seeking Help and Spiritual Guidance for My Family

Hello,

I am seeking help from anyone who will listen and give advice. I am Pastor Jim Young of Redwater Creek Baptist Church in Camden, TN. The most important thing after god to me is my family. My family and possibly my daughter’s soul is a risk and I am clueless how to help.

I have two daughters and a son. Growing up they were all perfect. They are intelligent, respectful, and kind to others. My oldest daughter is nineteen and a sophomore in college and this story is about her.

Two weeks ago 9/5/2004 my daughter was visiting us from college. I was giving a sermon on the evils of homosexuality among a few other issues. I noticed my daughter had started crying. I was clueless as to what had happened to my daughter so I ended the sermon fifteen minutes early. After everyone left I asked Jessica why she was upset. She told me there were some issues at college that had her upset and that I should not worry. I asked her if there was anyway I could help and she told me no.

The next day my wife told me why Jessica was upset. My wife told me that our daughter is a lesbian. My preaching had saddened her. She has been seeing a girl named April for four years. My wife has known about this for three years. My other daughter and son have known about this since the beginning. I spent the next week praying for the strength and wisdom to help my daughter.

I discussed our daughter with my wife. I asked how she found out. She said three years ago she accidentally walked in on April and Jessica kissing. I asked her how she reacted. She said it was one of the hardest times in her life. I asked her why she didn’t tell me. She said she knew I couldn’t handle it. I asked my wife what I should do. She said I should try and accept it.

Friday 9/10/2004 my daughter came home. My wife had informed her that I knew. She brought April. I had a week to mull the situation, but my reaction was not pleasant, possibly overboard. I didn’t know how to handle this. I met her outside, she and April stepped out of the car. Jessica said, “Dad, I know you know… I’m gay.” I told my daughter April was not welcome in our house. I told my daughter what she was doing was wrong. I told my daughter I wanted her to seek help. I told my daughter I will always love her, but I can not accept her being a lesbian.

My daughter put her arm around April and told me she was the same person she was before I found out. She said April is the most important person to her and she makes her feel special. Jessica said she didn’t want to hurt me, but now that I know she can’t live the lie. She said I can acknowledge and accept her and April’s relationship or risk losing her. She said she and April have been living together for nearly a year now.

I told my daughter to leave. She did.

My family is hurting. When my daughter did not visit me this weekend for the first time since starting college I realized she is serious. My wife, both daughters and son are against me. I don’t know what to do. I have been kept in the dark for a very long time. I still don’t know how they manage to pull the wool over my eyes for so long. I have always played a very active part in the upbringing of my children.

I have mailed this out to several people. I am trying to get as much feedback as possible. I am desperately seeking advice from anyone willing to listen to this my story.

Thank you

This was a letter from a man in pain, a man struggling between what he had been taught to believe and love for his daughter. A man who told his daughter to leave the home she grew up in. This was a story that could have ended in a tragic split.

It didn’t

Update

Since I have been sending out e-mails I have received numerous replies from a wide range of people. All of them have urged me to reach out to my daughter. One person in particular a thirteen year old lesbian named Liz helped me most. She gave me some strong religious logic and a friendly ear.

On 9/23/2004 I sent my daughter an e-mail reaching out. In the letter I told her many things. I tried to let her know I want to be a part of her life, I love her, and I want to get to know her. I also asked if I could visit during this weekend 9/24/2004 – 9/26/2004.

Jessica’s letter back to me was very positive. She said she would be happy to have me visit her.

Friday 9/24/2004 I visited my daughter. I never realized what a long drive my daughter had been taking to visit us on a weekly basis. The visit was nice. It started out with the three of us sitting down and talking. Jessica, April and I sat in their living room and talked for four hours straight. Afterwards I took them out for supper where we continued to talk and plan activities to do on Saturday. That night I rented a hotel room and got a good night’s sleep.

Saturday 9/25/2004 I went to my daughter’s apartment and we ate breakfast. April cooked sausage, eggs, and toast. I took both Jessica and April shopping. I bought them some food, shower curtains, and books to read. That night we went bowling. Jessica bowled a 120, I bowled 153, April bowled 210. I once again rented a hotel room and slept though the night.

Sunday 9/26/2004 I returned to my daughter’s apartment. April again cooked for us. She prepared pancakes and bacon. We sat around talked a while and finally I made the journey back to Camden. April seems like a very nice and polite person. She seems to care for my daughter. Over the past few weeks a lot of knowledge has been given to me. I went though periods of intense shock, anger, sadness, and fear. Many great people have given me their opinions, views, and support. Thanks to them and my willingness to learn and adapt I am currently going through intense levels of elation and trust.

I realize now that current views of homosexuality in the church are wrong. The bible is the strongest link we have to god, but the bible was written by god through man. The bible has been translated hundreds of times into hundreds of languages. Finally the bible’s end user also man takes the words from the bible and translates the meaning of the bible into what is believed to be correct.

That is where the problem lies. Man has distorted the meaning of the bible by letting its interpretation mingle with his own fears and prejudices. This is what so many people have helped me to realize. God loves you regardless of your sexuality.

I love my daughter and I wish both her and April the best of luck.

Jim

When all seems darkest, when we get so angry that crying or screaming seems the only way to go… hold on to this story. Come back here and remember that Jim’s mind was not changed by a legislator. It was not changed by a focus group. It was changed by you and me and Liz and Jessica talking, listening, helping. Ease the pain. Embrace those who do not understand. Reach out without fear of the flame. Grasp the hand outstretched, whether it slapped you five minutes ago or not.

Because change is on the way.

[Liz]

Hey, thanks a lot for that. I’ve been really bitter lately and finding myself sliding moer and more into the “If they don’t get it, they never will, just give up” mind frame. These days, I’ve been wont to turn on my heel and walk off, rather than staying and trying to open dialouge and communication.

This was a lovely reminder that people can and do and will change, but they need help, as we all do. Thanks again.