Breakup Survival Techniques

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Hey, loup, I’m weighing into this thread rather late, but no less sincerely. I don’t really have any advice to give you that other people haven’t already given, just another voice to lend some support.

Just a couple of things I do want to emphasise. Firstly, breakups suck. Being single is miserable - at first. I’ve been single for almost 2 years now (well, with a couple of small interludes), after a three-year relationship ended. One day, without even noticing how it happened, you’ll wake up (or maybe take the last slurp of your drink and put it down on the bar) and say, “Being single is great, dammit!” I mean, don’t get me wrong, relationships are nice, too, but you don’t have to rush into them - you can afford to be picky. There are people who go through their whole lives drifting from relationship to relationship because they can’t deal with being on their own - take this opportunity to learn how. It’ll hurt like hell for a while, but you’ll be so glad of it in the long term.

In terms of what’s going on in your mind, and not being happy with your own thought processes and mental state, I think it helps to realise that we’ve all been there - noone is ever completely happy with themselves, and for those of us who tend to analyse everything a little too much, it’s easy to think yourself into one long downward spiral. But remember that every little baby step forward is still a step forward. And even though you slide backwards occasionally, it’s no reason to give up on yourself.

Finally, and meant in the nicest possible way (and partially from personal experience), make sure you have a great doctor/psych/counsellor to help you deal with your depression. Shop around, if necessary, until you find someone you feel really comfortable talking to. And once you have found them, have no hesitation in calling on them when you need them. That’s what they’re for.

Sorry this all sounds rather cheesy… I hope you can take it in the spirit in which it’s intended. Lots of us here have gotten through stuff like this, and we’ve come out stronger for it. You can do the same.

Hugs,
tritone

PS - Sinshine, i’ve been wanting to learn the snoozlehorn for years now! D’you know of any good teachers in the Perth metro area? :stuck_out_tongue:

42

Tritone, welcome to my former sob party… I do have one of the best psychologists I can find, and I’ve been in the care of one or another since I was thirteen… lapsed for a bit when I moved to the city…
What I think this thread is evolving into, and no bad thing, is how I can become my own person (which I have never been). I think this is tougher than quitting smoking, because my normal social activities don’t involve me holding a lit cigarette and not inhaling… but I meet and deal with people everyday that I could easily base parts of my life on. Relationships aren’t the only barrier to personal independance, friendships contain that pitfall too… I’ve been calling one of the friends who looked out for me the first few days ‘just to check in’ every day, and I’m beginning to wonder how much of it is depending on said friend to help me define who I am to become now that Silly Girl (thanx TalkingHead) is no longer handy… I’ve got a banquet of food for thought, keep it coming: I’ve yet to get a post here that doesn’t add something new…

43

Don’t get me wrong, loup - there’s nothing wrong with depending on your friends to help you get through rough patches. Sometimes you need a hug, or someone’s voice on the other end of the phone - and that’s fine. My idea of “becoming my own person” certainly doesn’t include shutting out support from my friends when I need it - it’s a little more subtle than that. You’re always going to be affected and influenced by the people who are close to you.

And, yes, although I have never been a smoker, I would imagine that learning personal independence is a LOT more difficult than quitting. Just keep on blundering through - you’ll get there eventually (hey, i’m still blundering…)

Smile! It’s a gorgeous sunny winter day where I am, and I can see the wind blowing the eucalypus trees around outside my study window :slight_smile:

44

Just checking in… like I said, I want this thread to keep going until I don’t feel the irresistible urge to call her and unburden my heart to her…
I got a hangup on my answering service yesterday, I could have sworn it was her… but I didn’t call her back to find out… I just know that all of my friends leave messages when they call because I hate hangups, and those that don’t at least have the presence of mind to hang up BEFORE the recording starts. I was up late thinking of her, just getting this overwhelming feeling that she wanted to talk to me, that she wanted me to call. I’m a believer in empathy over distances, but I think that in this case it was just me wanting to have some contact with her so I fought the urge tooth and nail.
I wish I knew how long this will take, what I can do to get back on my emotional feet… I wish I knew what it was LIKE to be on my emotional feet. I’ve been inviting everyone I know to come out to DrugStore (local bar, very big and lots of fun) just so that I can be sure to have a bunch of good people around me for my first evening off in 10 days, and to thank the people who have really been there for me over the past two weeks.
Trite phrase of the day: Being a warrior isn’t about strength, that’s a soldier. Warriorhood is about knowing which battle you’re supposed to fight. (Inspiredby, but not quoted from, Dan Millman)

45

If Loup is anything like me or most of my friends, he feels that this person has been very important and informative in his recent life and in his development as a human being, and he cares deeply about her, or he wouldn’t have been so intensely involved with her in the first place. (Loup, please correct me if I’m wrong here, because there’s a VERY strong chance I’m projecting.)

Just because she has decided that they aren’t a good couple doesn’t negate the fact that they may still love each other very deeply, and that there are still many levels on which they have been important and meaningful and supportive to each other (and can be in the future, too, if they both play their cards right). It just means that they need to chill out on the contact for a while, until they are both able to deal with it with somewhat clearer minds.

I count some of my exes among my best and closest friends; they have seen sides of me that few others will ever glimpse. A couple would drop everything and run to me in the middle of the night if I needed it, and vice versa. Of course, there are others who I haven’t spoken to in years, and one who is quite probably in Russian military intelligence by now, but that’s a saga for another day. Whether Loup and his ex will fall into the former or the latter category is still very much up in the air at this point, it seems, and they may even waver back and forth between the two over time.

However, one of the most moving experiences I ever had was at an ex’s wedding in Wyoming, a number of years after we broke up. I drove roundtrip in 3 days from Chicago to go to his wedding, because it meant that much to me to be there and it was the only way I could afford to go. At the reception table with me was his ex who had come immediately after me; she had been his “best man,” and had even made the wedding rings. We all just kept looking at each other and commenting how bizarre the scene was, but neither of us would have missed it for the world. We all get together with his wife (who talks for ages to me whenever I call them, BTW, and is totally fine with it) whenever they are back in town, and it’s not awkward in the least.

So Loup, there’s hope for the future. It may take a while, but it’s entirely possible and can be extremely rewarding to remain friends with exes. Time will give you some perspective.

46

Eva , if that’s transference, you just lived through my exact situation. And thanks for answering WV’s post, I knew when I first read it that anything I said on the topic would be dismissed.

You’ve brought up a few good points… I still can’t think of her going off with someone else though: that’s the part of losing her that I dread most, meeting her new boyfriend. In spite of what I put up here a few days ago, the truth is that losing her just tied up all of my internal organs in knots for almost two weeks, and just the thought of her with someone else makes me feel as horrible as I did on the first day. If she’s with someone else, she won’t be with me… I’ve been backsliding this afternoon…

I do consider her a huge influence on my life… being friends with someone I’d spent a few weeks sleeping with isn’t important, but this is someone I loved and shared my darkest secrets and most treasured hopes with. It’s hard enough to know that maybe she’ll move on and love someone else, but to think that she goes through her life remembering me as I was the last time she saw me is intolerable. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m still thinking about how a second chance is so important to me… being around as a friend will let me know if she’s ever ready for a serious relationship rather than the mess we put each other through.

Oh God, why did she have to go?

47

Hey loup, I’ve done a bit of teh break up stuff, and a couple really painful ones, so please let me attempt to share what I have learned.

When the relationship is done for both parties, you can be friends just about immedietly. Think days. (One notable break up for me was not only mutal but we slid seamlessly back to being quite good friends.)

When it was one person’s decision, and the other can get over it, you can still be friends. In weeks or months and carefully.

When it is what needs to happen for the good of all parties but everyone involved feels like their soul just got ripped out, never speak alone with each other again. (Admittedly I’m only up to about five years on this sort of stuff. I’m still no where near being willing to talk alone with the man, and I was the one who broke up with him. I can’t stand the pain/anger/hurt/hope in his eyes when I have to see him socially, in public, I’d kill myself before I would let him voice any of it to me. hurts everyone too much.)

My last one is my crowning glory though, really bad, not happy Medea. I bought new underwear. coll pretty stuff he would never see. They were pretty for me. I took a class I wanted to, to show myself how smart and talented I was and delight in the wonder of my own abilities. i started excersizing seriously and spending long hours in a hot tub with a good book after a good workout.

Basically, I fell back in love with me as an individual, as opposed to half of an entity. I adored my faults, my quirks, admired my strengths and only accepted the very best for myself. The best activities, the best food, the best friends, the best parties…

And I got away from pairing off for a bit. No guys, no girls. Group or solo activities.

And don’t do the second chance thing. you’re not wanting to be her friend, nor are you wanting her as yours. You’re using it as a chance to “let you know if she’s ever ready for a serious relationship [with you]” Unfair to all parties. Cut her loose, take care of you. Friendship is not below a romantic relationship and it shouldn’t be treated that way. Its demeaning to both institutions.

I wish you the best, I’ll be checking in here a bit and if you want to e-mail me, feel free.

48

Ladies and gentlemen, after 46 posts and untellable cruelty to hamsters on my part (checking this thread a ridiculous number of times per day) I feel confident to close this thread: some of what I have to do has to be done (partially) alone. I wanted to thank everyone involved once more… and invite all those who offered email support to send a blank or brief message to me at loupdebois@hotmail.com, so that I can be sure to have your emails… I just don’t feel that my need for support outweighs having my problems on display… as I said, my ex is a doper.

Thanks to all who posted:

[cast in order of appearance]

Ringo
insteface2x
Bad Hat (especially you, Chris)
Scotticher
Eva Luna
wyldelf
pessor
burundi
TheLoadedDog
Giraffe
TalkingHead
Sinshine
tritone
Medea’s Child

(people from my Pit thread, not mentioned here, deserve credit and thanks too)

Special thanks to Coldfire for sticking up for me when I needed it.

And, because they belong near this list, my non-doper heroes:
Denise, for skipping dinner
Mouse, for picking up the phone EVERY TIME
Kelly, because you’re always there
Sumi, for not letting a little old ocean get in the way
And finally Zoe, for having the patience of a saint and knowing the right thing to do no matter how much it sucked…