Quasimodo, the Hunchback, decided to retire from his position as bellringer at Notre Dame Cathedral. He place an ad in the paper for an apprentice, but the only person who answered the ad was a very clumsy young man with no hands.
Quasimodo asked, “How can you ring the bells with no hands?”, and the young man replied, “Easy. I’ll jump out and catch the rope in my teeth.” He proceeded to demonstrate, but being clumsy, he jumped too far, knocked himself unconscious on the bell and fell to his death.
Two nuns walking across the floor of the cathedral stop and look at the body. One says, “Sister, have you ever seen this man before?” And the second nun, replies, “No, but his face sure rings a bell.”
And the first nun replies, “You’re right, Sister. The man’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo!”
Mr. Frog had worked for years in the fly control department at the local pond, and it was time for him to retire. He found a lovely property, complete with stream and a modest dwelling. He went to the bank for a mortgage.
After filling out paperwork, the Loan Officer, Mr. Padeouac, inquired about appraisal value and if Mr. Frog had anything to pledge as collateral. Mr. Frog produced a crystalline elephant with gilded accents. He claimed it be of great value, and heirloom passed on in his family for generations. The Loan Officer said he’d have to check with the Bank President for loan approval.
After speaking with the President and presenting the entire folder, along with the unique figurine, the President said,
“It’s a knick-knack, Padeouac, give the frog a loan.”
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, “You all know what this means – the Czech is in the male.”
On the way back from a visit to Esztergom, in Hungary, an annoying person on the coach produced their tacky souvenier toy, which she named ‘Eszter’ :rolleyes: …somebody threatened to throw it out of the window, to make it Eszter Gone. We laughed.
In a far off land was a high mountain. In a village at the base of the mountain lived a tribe of people called the Trids. The Trids spent their days trying to climb the mountain, but a giant ogre who lived halfway up the mountain would always wait for them and kick them back down to their village.
One day, a Jewish rabbi passed through the village and saw what was happening. He decided to try to rectify the situation, so he started climbing up the mountain. When he got to the ogre’s home, he was surprised that the ogre let him pass without incident. Astonished, he asked the ogre, “Why didn’t you kick me down the mountain?”
The ogre responded, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”
Who was Gandhi? Well, he was a religious man. He vowed poverty and wore no shoes, which really toughened his feet. He went on a hunger strike, that weakened his body greatly, and on the rare occasions when he did eat, it was a vegetarian diet, lots of hummus of roasted garlic and black beans (gave him bad breath, really.)
Who was Gandhi? A super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
A fellow seeking to get away from it all went to what he thought was a deserted island. The natives discovered him, and decided that he should be their King, presenting him with a huge golden throne. He was still a laid-back guy, and agreed to be King if they would allow him to live as he wished. Shunning the life of royalty, he enjoyed a simple grass hut, in which the throne was stored in the attic. He and his Kingdom continued for many years, until one day the weight of the heavy throne overcame the grassy structure of the attic floor, and it broke through, crushing the King.
The moral of the story is: people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists.
The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"
"No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”
The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
and …
The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.
Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up
either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued
until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: … You can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.
A gobstopper walks into a pub. After a couple of pints he starts getting a bit lairy, and eventually the barman throws the gobstopper out.
A little while later, a piece of Wrigleys Airwaves Gum comes in. If anything, he’s even worse - spilling people’s pints, threatening people and so on. Eventually one of the regulars says to the barman: “Look, can’t you kick this sweet out, like you did before?”
“Oh no,” comes the reply. “I’m not messing with this fella.”
“Why not?”
“Well, the first guy was hard – but this one’s menthol!”
An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about this creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew. As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount of food consumed was straining the collector’s budget.
Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge.
Just as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, “Whatcha gonna do now?”
The collector explained how he could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability.
The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, it said “It’s a long way to tip a Rarie.”
A group of Spanish political activists were all trying to leave a hotel at once, but got stuck in the revolving door. That’s what comes of trying to put all your Basques in one exit.
Lassie movies have been described as “soft-paw corn”.
Here’s a naturally occuring one: when an e-mail friend was telling about how he lost one of the lenses out of his glasses and had to go to the optometrist to get them fixed, I pointed out that an optometrist is someone who says that the glasses are half full.
Right after Queen Victoria visited the Canadian city named after her (Victoria, British Columbia, of course), she was asked if a housing development could be named in her honor – Victoria Mews.
The Queen replied “We can be many things: We can be a city in Canada, and We can be a falls in Africa, but We are NOT a mews!”
There’s a national chess convention going on, and all the chess fanatics have booked rooms in a particular hotel. They meet up in the foyer and start telling all their old chess warstories. They got pretty boisterous, topping each other’s stories with tales of even greater chess glory. Finally, the maitre d’hotel came out and asked the ladies and gentlemen to disperse.
“But why?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
These are all really good! I thought I’d share the source of my love of puns. I was just a kid, and my dad’s Playboy magazines didn’t mean much to me, picture-wise. But there was always a page of racy jokes, which I would memorize, and tell to the kids at school, who often didn’t get them. They didn’t get this one, either, as there were three words in it that they’d never heard before - but I have always loved it.
Our Unabashed Dictionary defines hermaphrodite as a bisexual built for two.
Yeah, I know, but I got a chuckle out of it…again!
