Bring Out Your Puns!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

My favorite has to be modified just a little at the begining to make the biggest impact. You simply mention that you witnessed an accident recently.

While sitting at a light, I noticed a small car waiting as well. When out of nowhere, a van came up behind the little car and ran right into him. The car was pushed into the intersection right into traffic. Cars swerved both directions with the terrified driver of the small car frozen in abject horror. By some miracle, no one was hurt. However, the driver of the small car got out and was obviously extremely pissed off. He raged over to the drivers door of the van, began beating on it and even borke off the antenna. Eventually, he got the driver of the van out and began beating on him.

Of course, the he died.

Of Van Ariel Disease.

If you make the story personal, it draws the audience in every time. Groans are guaranteed.

That one gets groans because it draws the audience in. This one is a better pun. It is from Art Moger’s The Complete Pun Book.

A marine biologist studying dolphins discovered a way to keep his charges alive almost indefinately. Unfortunately the formula required several imature sea birds. He had to travel to the beach to aquire these. One day upon returning home found a lion sleeping on his front porch. He gingerly stepped over the giant cat and was immediately arrested for transporting young gulls across a stayed lion for immortal porpoises.

My personal favorite is the question (don’t remember where I heard it) What does an agnostic, dislexic, insomniac do? He stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

42

Well, I have. As is evident in this thread I started last year, which devolved into a pun-spewing contest after page 3. Following is one of the atrocities I committed therein, in true Callahan’s style:

43

Two women, Amy and Wendy, bought a ranch and decided to raise cattle. They quickly acquired several cows, and decided to buy a bull to provide stud service for the herd. One day, Amy saw an intriguing ad in the paper. FOR SALE: PRIZE BULL. $100. The notice went on to give directions to the seller’s farm, Amblin’ Acres, which was a good day’s drive away. Amy was all set to call the owner, but no phone number was given.

Since Amy owned a small plane, she decided to fly to Amblin’ Acres and check out the male bovine. Before leaving, she told Wendy to wait by the phone. “If the bull is still available and seems legitimate, you’ll need to drive the big truck to this guy’s place. The directions are in the ad, and I’ll let you know what – if anything – you need to bring. If the trip turns out to be a bust, I’ll inform you right away, so that you can get on with doing other stuff.”

Well, Amy (who happened to be a veterinarian) got to Amblin’ Acres and was very pleasantly surprised. The bull was healthy, and his pedigree was impeccable. After signing the papers of transfer, Amy excitedly picked up the plane’s phone – only to discover that it had ceased to function. She went back to the farmhouse. “May I use your phone?”

“Sorry, don’t have one. Phone company never strung lines out here, and I’m too set in my ways to get one of them cellulars or whatever you call 'em.”

“Well, how can I tell my sister that she needs to drive over here to pick this fine animal up?”

“I just happen to have an old, but still functioning, telegraph in the barn. Ever send a telegram?”

“No, but I guess I’m about to.”

“Well, as you may know, telegram charges are by the word. And I just happen to charge $500 a word.”

Amy now realized that this old rustic wasn’t the simple hayseed she had pegged him to be. Still, the bull was easily worth ten times what she had paid for it. After thinking about how to word the message as succinctly as possible, she suddenly had a brainstorm. “Okay, here’s $500. The message? COMFORTABLE.”

“What is that, some kind of secret code word you’ve arranged?”

“Not really. It’s just that Wendy reads re-e-e-e-al slow, and after she sounds it out, she’ll know to come fer da bull!”

44

I mentioned to a friend that I had seen a really bad Japanese play. He said “Noh shit?”

45

For the lover of convoluted yet intelligent puns and elaborate literary witticisms there is only one bible - the My Word! BBC radio series featuring the inspired work of literary geniuses Frank Muir and Dennis Norden.

Many of the full transcripts can be fond in the My Word books (see Amazon here for the largest omnibus http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0413564207/%20ref%3Dnosim/methuen01/002-5482535-5561622)

The following USA Radio stations seem to have repeats for My Word! and My Music! which are available over the Internet. (See their Program Grids)

http://jrabold.net/radio/7kalw.shtml
http://jrabold.net/radio/7kipo.shtml
http://www.kwax.com/
http://www.wfmt.com/radionetwork/mw.html

I would love to leave an example here but have none handy :mad:

46

Get thee to a punnery, all of thee.

47

Ringo became a gentleman farmer, but was having no success. His neighbor’s animals were all strong and healthy, so he went and asked him the secret to his success.

“well, for chickens, you wanna plant some corn.” The farmer said.

“Right, a field of corn for chickens.” Ringo replied.

“And for horses, you wanna plant some corn.” The farmer said.

“Right, a field of corn for horses.” Ringo replied.

“And for cows, you wanna…”

“I know, I know,” Ringo butts in, “I want a field of corn.”

“No,” replied the farmer, “everyone knows it strawberry fields for heifers.”

48

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

49

On a hill above the village was a monastery, and they had fallen on hard times. To raise money, they got the idea of cultivating flowers to sell in the village and elsewhere. By diverting a goodly portion of the village water supply for irrigation, the monks soon had a wonderful business going. However, the diverted water was badly needed by villagers, who also disliked the increase in traffic going to and from the monastery. Their pleas to the monks were ignored, until they asked the biggest guy in the village, Huey, to go speak to the monks about their business practices. Standing 6’6" and weighing 250 pounds of pure muscle, he was not a man to be trifled with. After his visit with the monks, they agreed to scale back their operation to a level acceptable to the villagers, which goes to prove the old adage: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A man goes to the dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “That new plate I put in for you six months
ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?”
“All I can think of,” the man replies, “is that about four months ago, my
wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious -
Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat,
toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce
is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away
your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

“It’s simple,” says the dentist. “Everyone knows there’s no plate like
chrome for the hollandaise.”

Last week, millions of chickens were slaughtered in Hong Kong to
prevent a deadly flu epidemic. But how, you may wonder, did such a
tragic event begin?

Well… it started in the home of two brothers, Hing and Ming. The
young men lived on a small chicken farm in the village of Kaopoo. And
one day in early December, the boys were shocked to find their
chickens were violently ill. The birds began to molt - and as their
feathers fell away, the chickens shook with fever and chills. Hing
and Ming were greatly alarmed. What to do? The brothers both vowed
that they would search night and day to find a cure.

Hing raced to the city and enrolled at the University of Hong Kong.
He boned up on ornithology. He took a class in ancient Chinese herbal
medicine. At last, he found the remedy: a potion extracted from
gum-tree leaves.

He hurried back to the farm, gathered bushels of gum-tree leaves,
brewed a vat of tea and poured it into his chickens around the clock.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all over China. He consulted Buddhist
priests. He prayed at the shrines of his ancestors. And one night, he
had a dream in which his ancestors appeared and revealed the cure:
Feed the chickens an herbal tea made from gum-tree leaves.

Ming returned home, and he was amazed that Hing, too, had discovered
the same cure! With renewed passion, the boys gathered whole
cartloads of gum-tree leaves. They brewed barrels of tea. They
poured them into the chickens night and day – but alas, it was no
use. The birds remained sick and bald.

One by one, the chickens died of the flu. And as word of the epidemic
spread, Chinese medical authorities began slaughtering infected
poultry all across Hong Kong.

THE MORAL: All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s kin couldn’t make
gum tea refeather a hen.

50

Headspace: another source of “My Word” and “My Music” broadcasts is at http://www.publicradiofan.com/ .

These two are my favorite programs of all time.

There’s also “I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again”, the comedy program which includes lots of puns (as well as John Cleese). It’s currently being repeated on BBC7 on Fridays. The most recent program can be heard at http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/listenagain/friday/

Two samples of these programs can be heard at http://www.geocities.com/rowrrbazzle/x/ .

“denis_norden__my_word__east_is_east.mp3” is my favorite “My Word” story.

“ISIRTA_Eurovision_Pun_Contest_1968.04.28_s05e03.mp3” is a special pun sketch from ISIRTA.

51

And who can forget about the reptile zoo whose prize exhibit was a lizard from Cuba that could sing Jewish folk songs? They called it the Havana Gila.

52

The short one:
“Osama! You’re so angry all the time! You should get a hobby.”
“A hobby?! Wha’ hobby?”

A longer one:
Long ago, a young shoemaker wanted to make a special pair of boots for his lady love. “Aha!” he said, “I’ll make her a pair from the supple skin of a cow’s udder!” He hurried to the nearest dairy farm, to buy the skin from a couple of udders. The farmer was friendly, and he said there were two old cows being slaughtered right then. “Meanwhile,” he said, “how about some tennis?” Well, the shoemaker beat the old farmer in straight sets. The farmer got mad, and he drove him off before he got what he came for. The moral of the story is, "Don’t play the dairyman 'til he gets you the udder hides."

Now, go play that old Chris de Berg song.

And, speaking of Playboy, the Unabashed Dictionary defines masturbation as “coming unscrewed.” And…

Cattle masturbation as “beef stroganoff.”

53

Roy was entertaining a friend in his living room. They were talking about all sorts of things. Roy mentioned he had a very good cat but this cat had been acting strange lately. He was biting and chewing all of Roy’s shoes.

He had just gone out and bought some new ones to replace the shoes the cat had destroyed. This morning Roy found that the cat got to his brand new shoes. Just then, the cat walked through the living room. His friend interrupted, saying, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

54

There’s a story behind that ranch they bought the bull from, you know. The old farmer was the last of three brothers who, way back when, bought the ranch from their dad: he was getting old and tired and couldn’t keep up a beef cattle ranch any longer. So they bought it, and they repaired all the fences, and re-roofed the barn, and bought a whole new herd of cows for it.

And with all those changes, they decided the ranch needed a new name. So they asked their dad what they should name it.

“Focus,” he said.

“Why Focus? What kind of name for a ranch is Focus?” they asked.

“It’s where the sons raise meat.”

Daniel

55

Try Straight Dope Staff Report: Who was Dr. Spooner of " spoonerism" fame?

Why to be careful which KFC to purchase from: who knows what evil lurks in the marts of hen?

56

I waited decades to meet a guy named Roy who had a cat, just so I could use that line.

He’d never heard that song.

:mad:

57

As you can see, I had the same problem. I doubt there’s many here who remember Don’t Pay The Ferryman.

58

Robert Weyer was a college coach when my dad was a young man. He revolutionized his sport, dramatically changing the style and technique of amatuer fencing. These days, nobody remembers what he did, even though you probably have heard of Bob Weyer fencing.

My nephew Clyde brought his girlfriend around to dinner yesterday, and frankly, I’ve got my doubts about what the boy’s gettin’ into. I asked her where she worked and she said at the blood bank. I went to the kitchen for a glass of iced tea, and I overheard her telling Louie about working with “flea bottoms” or something. So I reckon she’s really dipping dogs over at Doc Barker’s Animal Hospital. :dubious:

59

If there are any pun fans who haven’t read Sluggy Freelance, what’s wrong with you? Here’s a good recent one. An oldie but requires less context. More puns to make you hot and crossed.

Here’s one I heard recently:

A guy walks into a bar, puts a duffel bag in front of the bartender, and says, “Hey man, I got something to show you. Check it out.”

The bartender, curious, says, “OK, let’s see it.” The customer pulls out a miniature piano and sets it on the bar, followed by an equally small man. The little man begins to play. Soon other patrons gather around and start shouting out requests, which the little man plays flawlessly.

The bartender says, “Wow, that’s pretty amazing! How did you come by something like that?”

The customer pulls out an old oil lamp and says, "There’s a genie that lives in here who grants wishes, but - " Before the customer can finish, the bartender grabs the lamp and rubs it vigorously.

Out pops a genie, who points at the bartender and shouts, “YOU THERE! I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP! I SHALL GRANT YOU ONE WISH! WHAT IS IT YOU DESIRE?”

The bartender says, “I want a million bucks!”

The genie claps his hands together and shouts, “IT IS DONE!” then disappears back into the bottle. No sooner is he gone than the room is stuffed full of ducks. Feathers and loud quacking fill the air.

The bartender says to the customer, “What the hell is this? What am I supposed to do with all these ducks?”

The customer shrugs and says, “Well, you didn’t let me finish what I was saying. The genie is hard of hearing. You don’t really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?”

60

99 cougars walk into a bar, and they’re having a good time: drinking and carrying on and tipping over glasses and running up a big tab.

The bartender sees how much money they’ve been spending and pulls the lead cougar aside and tells him: “I appreciate all the business, but I need to know how you’re going to pay me.”

The lead cougar nods, unscrews his left front paw and lays it on the bar with a heavy thud. The yellow metal of the paw reflects the neon signs.

The bartender takes one glance at it and rolls his eyes: “Look buddy, we take credit cards, checks and American cash! We don’t take gold cougar hands.”