It is so frustrating* to have absolutely no control over a situation when the impact on you is so enormous. (Realizing that “frustrating” doesn’t even begin to express the emotions involved.)
Nothing useful to add, just popping in to wish you (and even sven) good luck with your day today.
Not to hijack this thread but I wish I had the foresight that you did. K had everyone I knew fooled. She had her daughter calling my parents Grandma and Grandpa for Christs sake. This was ~ a month before she left when she already knew she was leaving.
Barrett Bonden nailed the frustration part. It sucks that we give power to people who then use it (intentionally or not) to pick apart our hearts. Yet to find love you have to give that power away. Kinda dumb from a design standpoint.
Slee
On the plus side, you didn’t loose the esteem of anyone here who is self aware enough to recognize that at some point, they’ve made, or been tempted to make, similarly spectacularly unwise compromises to hold onto something dear. Some of us do understand “temporary irrationality.”
Honestly, I agree with you on this. Really, it seems quite reasonable that a gradual weaning off would be better – but empirically I (and everyone else commenting here) have a whole lot of evidence that this isn’t the case for us irrational humans, the vast majority of the time.
I know it’s late to bring my best wishes to the party, but here they are anyway. How’s everyone doing?
Reprieve from the Governor
Update: I seem to have pulled off an historically unprecedented effect. She took me back, even after FWBing her, even after some fairly undignified arguing, pleading, whining, pissing and moaning, all sure-fire guarantees to alienate her further.
She simply wrote me after about 10 days of this stuff to say that maybe she was hasty, maybe she was looking for flaws in me that were petty and unworthy, maybe she was afraid of getting into a relationship too soon, etc. The point is she wanted to resume our dating, and I couldn’t be more astonished or more pleased.
We’ve now discussed (to death) what will be different, on both our parts—for me, it mostly means living in the present, not burdening her with long-range grandiose plans (for foreign travel, for life-style changes, etc.) that imply that we’ll be together for years and years, and not pressuring to move along in our relationship any faster than she wants to (meeting her family, spending overnights in each other’s apartments, etc.)—this is doable, but will require some effort on my part, at least at first.
Also I think I need to stop showering her with compliments so much-- I do think she’s incredibly beautiful, but I’ve made that point, and I think I annoy her by telling her how great she looks so much. This is so weird because my previous GFs would come right out and ask me to comment on their looks (my last LT GF would routinely open conversations with “I’m not fishing, but …” and then fish for compliments) so it’s hard to reverse my training and struggle to cough up one or two nice things to say. Now I’ve got to train myself to suppress the urge, to simply THINK “WOW, does she look great in that blouse, from this angle, with her hair like that” etc.
There are some remaining major issues at this point: short-term, how can I cope with my insecurities about her suddenness in deciding both to dump me and to take me back? I’m opening up every e-mail from her, taking every phone call from her, with the same stomach-sinking thought: “Uh oh, sure hope she hasn’t changed her mind again,” which makes me very edgy around her, walking on eggshells, making suggestions very tentatively or elaborately, behaving very nervously in general. I’d like to be my own laid-back self with her much more, but I’m on edge, thinking (for the past few days, since we got back together) “Will she bail again if I do X?” (or Y, or Z, or the whole alphabet). This isn’t good, and doesn’t feel good. Will time alone calm me back the fuck down? Any tips for coping better until time does its magic?
And slightly longer term—how nervous do I need to be about what I think is the root cause of this instability? The one categorical quality that I mistrust about her is that she’s fresh out of a decades-long marriage that she entered in her teens. I actually had a rule of thumb: “Don’t get involved with women who haven’t been divorced for at least a year” that I’ve clearly made her an exception to. She’s still going through her divorce and may simply need to be single, to date around, to experience some of frustrations and joys of the single life for a year or three before deciding to settle into a relationship, even one with (I think) a great guy for her who loves everything about her and is dying to be with her over the long haul.
Well, go you! Hope things work out better this time!
Thank you, Sven–I wish you the best, too, but am pretty sure that such an attractive, charming, adventurous woman like you needs very little luck. I just know you’ll meet the right guy for you soon if not today. You’re just too good not to find someone who’s good for you.
Thanks.
I’m glad this last one is gone for good. He’s clearly lacking something essential as a person, and it’s better that I got some small heartbreak instead of whatever truly evil stuff he’d be dishing out later in the game. But yeah, I remain hopeful that once I am ready- once I am in a stable place and open to it- I’ll find what I need.
We all deserve love, yeah? God willing we will find what we are looking for!
Every person is different. That said, yes, I think you are wise to be nervous about this. Her actions so far could be a manifestation of her fear of getting in too deep too soon, and while her coming back seems like a good sign, it could also be a manifestation of her fear of being alone. So, you could end up with someone who is there but not there, using you not out of malice but because her emotions might not have caught up to her legal situation.
That she married in her teens is a little scary, since there are a lot of changes that still happen to us emotionally and mentally after that point, a lot of exploration of who we really are and what we really need. She matured while in a marriage, which could mean that she needs to go through a similar maturing process now that she’s on her own.
Maybe. It could. It might.
I don’t have any advice for you other than try not to invest yourself completely and don’t sacrifice your dreams in exchange for emotional crumbs from her–because I think that is perhaps the biggest risk.
I hope it works out beautifully for you.
It didn’t.
After about six weeks of a reprieve, the Governor allowed the switch to be thrown tonight. She came over, for dinner and a movie and (I thought) some more of those mattress calesthenics, but it was just dinner and a movie and “We need to talk.”
We talked. For about three hours. Pretty much what you’d expect: “Spark isn’t there,” “I gave it my best effort,” “You’re a good man who needs to find someone who loves you like you love her,” and an admission that this was pretty much the FWB relationship that she didn’t want in the first place. As per the “bad boys” thread (that I started when she told me that she was attracted to “bad boys”) I didn’t give her enough of a challenge, I was too agreeable, too considerate to provide the kind of excitement and nervousness in her that she needed. I guess that what pleases me–stability, predictibility, constancy, security–turns her off, and all that I can supply is what I want in a relationship.
But I’m better off than when she first broke up with me two months ago–now I see how unlikely this was from the start, I’ve had a few weeks to deal with the temporariness of this relationship (which I did, but not very well) and I’ve been waiting for this evening’s conversation to happen, though I thought it would happen when she found someone else. Breaking up with me for my own good is a bit of a surprise, but I guess she was unhappy forcing herself to date someone she knew she wasn’t going to be ultimately happy with.
Onward and upward.
Ah, sweetie, I’m so sorry.
Sorry, prr. But no one can say you didn’t give it your all.
Bummer, PRR. Hope you can be at peace with this and move on somewhat smoothly.
I’ll give a quick update here.
I haven’t talked to my dude since the Big Bad Thing happened more than two months ago. We are supposed to meet up today, though he’s been jerking me around about meeting up since Thanksgiving. I’m still kind of a wreck. I haven’t been able to move on, no matter how hard I try. Right now I just want to forgive him and hopefully try to at least be people who know each other. Say goodbye to the emotions and start the new year without any bad blood.
It’s been really tough on me because every foreigner in town except one eventually sided with him. Happy charming sociopaths are more fun to hang around than the angry bitter people they leave behind. I try to leave town as often as possible, but I can’t really afford it and am running out of places to go. Whenever I stay here on the weekends, I get to hear all about the full schedule of dinners and parties and trips that everyone is going to that I’m not invited to- and then deal with the awkwardness as people dance around the subject of why they can’t go to the dinner or party I invited them to. I’m getting sick of not being a part of my own community.
Hopefully we can clear things up a bit today, and I can move on, and maybe become part of things again (though it might be hard facing up to his “amazing” teenage barmaid girlfriend.) We’ll see how that goes!
:dubious:
Are you sure she’s talking about the same prr we all know and love? 
Sorry to hear about the break-up, but I’m glad to hear that you’re taking it well and moving on. I hope things move in the upward direction for you soon.
It was, incredible as it may sound, just too fantastical a sell to try and convince her, “Honey, there are hundreds of people on the Internet whose blood boils at the sight of my name, who think I’m one of the twelve most obstinate and stubborn pricks on the planet, who can’t stand that I stick to my opinions which are mostly strongly-worded and highly offensive. I’ve been sparing you that difficult persona, I’ve been giving you only this sweet, good-natured, affable guy because of your powerful affect on my natural inclinations, but it is contrary to every fibre of my being, believe me.”
She wouldn’t have bought that at any price.
In a very weird sense, it’s a relief to have this come to an end. As I told her tonight, I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent with her these past few months, but
every second spent out of her company has been torture–I’ve been unable to work, unable to enjoy myself, unable to relax. Every thought has been “How can I keep this going longer? How can I get her to love me? How can I please her more?” devising scheme after plan after idea to achieve all of these impossible goals. My life may not be all that valuable, but at least I’ll have it back again.
Thanks all, for the good wishes–and Sven, keep that chin straight up.
prr and es, nothing useful to add but best wishes to you both.
PRR:
Hey, {big hug}, does it occur to you that all those people who think badly of you for those qualities have a counterpoint to some one who adores you for them?
First off, I’ve never taken someone back after a break up, and it ever work out. We end up breaking up for the same damn reason as before.
Not for nothing, but you knew damned good and well she wasn’t that into you before she broke up, otherwise, you would not have modified yourself so much to please her.
Reread this:
That? Is crazy. Not the good kind either. There are tons of folks out there who value stability, consideration, travel, and all the things you value. This person was a placeholder. Do NOT settle.
Meh, what’s the OP got to lose? Except dignity, which he’s already compromised by sending the note in the first place. She doesn’t have any feelings for him anyway, so what does he care if she thinks he’s a pig?
Go for it. At the very worst, you get a scathing reply or no reply at all and you’ll never get to date her friends. At the very best, a few weeks or months of nookie with an ex, which is something every man in the world desires (and those who say they don’t are liars).
This is one of the smartest, truest things I’ve read in a while. One of the most painful things about really being screwed over is that even if people feel sympathy for you, if your relationships are tenuous or just for social things they’re often going to side with the ‘fun’ person. Until, that is, someone else gets hurt by them. And so on. Really makes you see who your friends are (or aren’t) and really makes you want to believe in karma. Sorry for these lame, hollow words, but you’re going to grow, and maybe you can even get a book or something out of it (even if it’s a Dating for Ex-Pats guide). Hope you and the OP both go on to better people.