Oh, here’s another one I remember: “It’s not you. It’s me.”
Great bullshit at school that I think I’d mentioned before.
When I was in the upper sixth form (aged 18) people started hearing that the principal, a late middle-aged, very posh, very tall, very dour, white-haired Quaker, used to be the drummer for Motörhead.
The story was so outlandish that people didn’t just dismiss it out of hand. “Mr K____? Motörhead? Wow! What a dark horse. I always knew he couldn’t be that square.” etc. Eventually it got so big that it ended up in an interview in the local paper, where he was forced to deny it outright.
Years later I was discussing the rumour with my brother, and he smiles, and says “heh, that was one of mine”. My brother was only 13 at the time, but somehow he had cottoned on to the One Big Lie that infected at least 2,000 students. Very proud.
Let me see… 2 things jump to mind…
- It’s illegal to drive if you aren’t wearing shoes, and flip-flops don’t count as shoes (courtesy of my dad).
- If you use drugs, any drug at all, your chromosomes will be damaged and you’ll have mutant babies (direct from my 7th grade health handbook).
The chromosome thing was really effective… more than one friend of mine has been hassled by a girlfriend about smoking weed, dropping acid because “if we get married we’ll have deformed babies!”
This one is AWESOME! Where were you 7 1/2 years ago? I am going to go right home and try to have another baby just to try this one out.
“I love you”
Hell, yeah! My fiancee is 6 years older than me. So much sexier than the girl I tried dating who was 7 years younger. (Gah! What a bimbo she turned out to be!)
Even us shallow males who DO judge women on looks are pretty skeptical of the notion that women are over the hill at age 30.
Kate Winslet. Naomi Watts. Angelina Jolie. Gwen Stefani (37, believe it or not). Monica Bellucci (42). Catherine Zeta-Jones. All over 30. Rachel Weisz is 35, you’re telling me she’s not hittable? The woman’s a goddess. Liv Tyler’s gonna be 30 this year, do you think she’ll get ugly? Sharon Stone’s still hot at 49. No straight man could resist those hotties.
The old one about hot water freezing faster than cold (the Master speaks). What’s sad is, I just this morning watched Bobby Flay on the Food Network perpetuate this one, stating it was what he’d been taught in culinary school. sigh
Self-gratification causing blindness (refuted in many places, including here).
I was told (and he believed it!) that you had to wear a condom to get a girl pregnant… and of course, that meant that non-condom sex was safest until you were married. ‘He’ was a friend of mine at the time, three years older than I. I was 12. I tried to fight his ignorance and failed. I can only hope that his GF was smarter than he, or, failing that, that he didn’t get any until after he learned the truth.
They’re not?
… Ok, so I obviously need to fight my own ignorance, here.
Our 7th grade (lesbian gym teacher) health teacher told us that for a woman to get pregnant, she and the man had to orgasm simultaneously. For the next few years I thought- excellent! What are the odds of that happening- if she starts to cum, I’ll just hold off and do it a minute later, and no pregnancy!
Unfortunately, I didn’t get the opportunity to test it out. Or fortunately, I guess.
“I’ll pay you back on Friday. No, really, I will.”
First of all, Happy Birthday Mouse_Maven! 30 was an easy birthday, as was 40. I’m 47 now, and the upcoming 50 mark doesn’t seem to be worrisome either. Also, congratulations on your pregnancy. I had my kids at ages 22, 24, 31 and 33. It was a bit harder with the last two, but nothing majorly difficult. The best of luck!
When I was a young’un my bio-dad used to tell the most fantastic tales. The one which remains clearest in my mind is that at night the trees pull up their roots and roam the countryside seeking revenge on all the people who lived in wooden houses and had books and other item made of wood. Since I grew up in Western Washington State and our wooden house had trees all over the lot, some brushing up against the house, it was a scary thing, especially on windy nights when I would lie in bed staring at all the moving shadows the branches made.
Now that I live up here, when we have folks visiting from outside I have been known to take them outside on breezy evenings to listen to the call of the rare Alaskan Sea Owl. Yeah, that would be the wind blowing through bouy 4 out in the channel. 
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
As for the rankest bullshit I have been told, the outstanding example is that yes, Exxon will be cutting checks for all of us they decimated with their 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill. I have given up on seeing any of that money in my lifetime. And yes, I am bitter about it.
And I’m guessing one of them is carrying the lights for the tree and the stable, too.
When I was little, I asked my dad if the three wise men had names. He replied yes, that they were called Moe, Larry, and Curly. (I intend to pass this along to my future kid[s].)
As for bullshit I’ve been told:
[ul]
[li][Referring to an antique metal shop cabinet nailed to a wall.] “Those things are impossible to remove.”[/li][li]“It’s not possible for you to drive to Maine in one day from Raleigh.”[/li][li]“That car is too old, you won’t know how to drive it.”[/li][li]“Yeah, the wind chill factor is really low…that’s what made the thermostat in your truck go out.”[/li][li]“You won’t be anything but a number at NC State.”[/li][li]“We’re really interested in the house, we’ll call back later in the week.”[/li][/ul]
I wouldn’t want to tackle a 15-hour commute all in one day.
BTW, where did you get your username?
From the dentist: “This won’t hurt a bit.”
From some dude in Nigeria: “I’m gonna send you five million dollars.”
“The metro extension to Laval will cost just $150 million.”
More Nun Stories:
From Sr. Patricia: You can get pregnant if you hold hands with a boy. ( My Best friend - the youngest of 14 kids - looked at me and went, " I don’t think that’s how it happens.")
From Another Nun: ( paraphrased), " Left handedness is the sign of the devil."
From most of my aunts, on Thanksgiving: “Oh, no, you don’t want any of that pecan pie. It’s yucky.”.
Also, not told to me, but one of my aunts would occasionally take the family to McDonalds for a treat. Her two boys would always want Big Macs, so she would tell the cashier “Two Big Macs for them (indicating the boys), and two regular hamburgers for us (her and my uncle).”. Then, of course, when they sat down, they’d put the small burgers in front of the boys, and take the Macs for themselves.
One year it took 18 hours, from Raleigh to Freeport, due to a “wintery mix.” Around here that means “freezing rain”; up north it means “freezing rain and ice and lots of snow.” The roads were remarkably clear; I just couldn’t see anything. And to be fair, my mom was with me on that trip, so I had a relief driver as long as it was daylight and we weren’t in New Jersey…yet we still had one relative insisting that we couldn’t make the trip.
As for the username: it’s mostly inspired by a place I read about in a Jeep magazine that buys junked CJs and restores them to sell, or sells them as-is. I thought it was a neat idea; finding an AMC junkyard in the area where I grew up (on the site of an old dealership; lots of Wagoneers and CJs) made me wish I could do the same thing…hence the username. (I’ve never had any luck tracking down the owner of that place though.)
You’re Dad was serious- he just misunderstood you.
Wise Guys, Wise Men…what’s the difference, really?