When your parent died, how did you and your siblings deal with estate issues?
My FIL is not expected to live out the year, he’s got stage IV cancer of the kidney that has already spread to his lungs and liver; he recently had pneumonia (probably due to his already-reduced heart function) which makes chemo inadvisable; and now he’s had a stroke. Poor guy is only 66 years old.
I’m glad he retired several years ago and had a chance to travel and hang out with his friends. And that he lived to enjoy his grandkids (which I produced rather late in life). He’s been a wonderful grandfather and a great source of support (and fun) for me.
He wasn’t such a great father, however, and it seems to be coming home to roost.
I’m a little skeeved out by the way my brother-in-law is dealing with this - he’s already had a realtor over to check out his Dad’s house. So now he’s got a checklist of things to do to get it ready to put on the market.
I’m pretty sure his Dad’s planning on living in his house until he dies (once he’s done with rehabilitation at the nursing home). My FIL loves his house, it’s a nice place. I’m not sure how BIL’s going to explain the renovation work to his father. “Uh, yeah, Dad, I just thought you’d like some fresh paint and new carpeting.”
Reminds me of that Chris Rock line about “If your daughter’s on the pole, you messed up parenting.”
If your son’s ready to sell your house and you’re still living in it, you made a mistake or two.
I would assume that’s his way of keeping busy, and controlling what he can, instead of focusing on what he can’t.
It’s not the same, but when my mom died, after coming home from the hospital, and calling family, the first thing I started doing was canceling her credit cards, canceling my sister’s music lessons, and packing up and throwing out all the food that we had especially for her. Those things could’ve waited, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do at that moment, for some reason. It was either that or break down.
Oh, and I was completely panicked about my sister’s Xmas presents that day, that were bought by my mom and whether I should hold off or give them to her before Xmas. Grieving is weird.
I meant to say, I’m sorry to hear about your FIL being ill. It’s hard to watch someone go through something like that, and I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the person who’s sick.
Thanks Omega Glory, I was looking for a compassionate way of interpreting my BIL’s actions. I’m sorry for your loss.
In a way I wonder if the stroke was a blessing - FIL was an engineer, with a piercing intelligence. Now he looks more child-like. It’s hard to say where his mind is.
If he hasn’t made a will, encourage him to make one. Making a will is one of the best gifts you can give your heirs. If he works with a halfway competent lawyer, the disposition of his estate should be clear including a designation of who his executor is.
Otherwise all the siblings could end up in probate fight, at a cost of many dollars and family relationships.
I’m afraid I’ve seen this sort of thing way too many times to put a good face on it. People get really, really fucking weird when it comes to inheritance. It’s just unbelievable how seemingly normal, nice people can turn into absolute pissy vultures - and that’s the ones that had good parents.
In fact, I’ve seen just this sort of thing before - kids trying to sell the parent’s house out from under them, regardless of what the parent wants to do. You know, to get the best value, or get the money out now, or whatever selfish reason the kids have used to justify it to themselves.
I’d recommend a trust for your FIL. I’m not a lawyer or anything, but in working on Mom’s stuff, that’s by far the best way to go.
It is a very difficult thing you’re dealing with. My sympathies and best wishes.
It doesn’t seem, based on this, that your BIL has any standing to do anything at all to the house. It may be necessary for your brother to put his foot down a little.
In advance of your FIL’s death, is there a durable power of attorney (I think that’s the right term) for handling his affairs if he is not competent to do so himself? If so, that document would be binding on your BIL. If no such power of attorney exists, your husband could seek to become the court-appointed guardian. But in any case he will have to do something, he can’t just sit there and let BIL do whatever he wants.
It’s reading stories like this that persuaded me how important it was before my father died not to count on actually getting anything from his estate (even though I knew we would) and to be scrupulously fair as his executor after he died last year. Proof: my sister and I are still friends.
I find what BIL is doing to be incredibly tacky. :dubious: (meant to show disapproval, not dubiousness)
It reminds me too much of my MIL, yelling at her husband that she couldn’t wait to throw all his magazines and old papers out as soon as he was gone. Christ, woman–the man has end stage lung CA. But, Mama in law is a really angry, nasty person…
I hope it doesn’t get ugly either, but I dread my own parent’s passing–my remaining sister and brother are not the most easy going of folk. Family. Oy.
I’m sorry to hear your FIL is so ill. My best to you.
The real bitter, cynical part of me would suspect that this is BIL’s way to try to claim a larger part of whatever inheritance is forthcoming - “Look at all the work I put into this house! I should get much more than half!” OTOH, like someone said above, it could just be his way of feeling useful when there’s probably not a lot he can actually do in terms of FIL’s health.
I hope it all works out as painlessly as possible.
Me too, because of fessie’s comment that dad wasn’t such a great dad. Yeah, sometimes activity is a response to grief, but there are probably plenty of things brother-in-law could be doing at his own house.
If you’re FIL is now childlike following the stroke, will he even be aware of what the son is up to? And if not, does it really matter then?
Perhaps the son is just controlling what he can, as there is so much he can’t. Perhaps he planned to do these thing with the house, sooner or later, and currently it just gives him an outlet to ‘do something’, productive - as he was going to do it anyway. Perhaps it just gives him something else to focus on is all. I could easily see that he could convince himself he’s improving the state of the house and it’s resale value, and thereby ‘helping’ everyone who stands to benefit from the sale of the house. As opposed to being greedy or shady in any way. People find really funny ways to ‘help’ when they are grieving after a death, awaiting one would only make it worse for some.
You’re underestimating human greed. When a person’s son swoops in to try to sell his father’s house out from under him while he’s still alive, the first thing your mind jumps to shouldn’t be “Oh, he’s just trying to keep busy.” No, he’s trying to sell the house for money.
Edit: And of course it doesn’t matter. In fact, I’m going to go steal from a child right now. I mean, that little girl is certainly childlike. It won’t matter at all if I take her trike.
My mother died intestate. That is a major MAJOR and might I add MAJOR pain in the ass and also expensive due to probate costs and lawyer’s fees. She’s been dead for 3 1/2 years and I’m still squabbling with my sister over the estate.
My mother was not a rich woman but she did have an estate (large equity in her house and some 5 figure bank accounts). Had she just left a simple will saying, literally, “I leave everything to my son Jon” and had it witnessed and notarized it would have saved me about $3,000 in lawyer’s fees, a shiteload of refinancing and having to get powers of attorney and the like (took me two years to get title to her car after I paid it off with my own money!) and I’d have had her house in my name 3 years ago; instead she went around telling everybody she wanted me to have it but never put it in writing. Also I’d always believed there was a life insurance policy of some sort- a small one but a policy no less- but it’s never turned up and there’s no agency that will find them for you.
I’m totally going to be screwed by my siblings I just don’t know how badly yet, but possibly to the “lots of things I’d like to say/but I’m never talking to you again” extent. Literally- one sentence on a piece of paper- even if it was “everything equally share and share alike to my kids”- would have saved a fustercluck of hassle.
I’m utterly puzzled by your OP. Your FIL is going to die very shortly. Someone has to be the adult and prudent enough to start taking care of business. A little preparation goes a huge, long way toward making the transition easier. Prepping a house for sale is quite time consuming and very necessary to achieve the best price. If the FIL and the son are practical can-do type people this is a lot better way of dealing with it than being mournful.
If I knew I was going to die I would be trying my best to get stuff set up for my departure. If I had a kid who was mature and emotionally stable enough to help I would be very grateful. Your BIL is doing the donkey work on this and you’re making him out to be the bad guy.
If you know you’re going to die shortly waiting until after death to get complex tasks handled is absurd.
