This is in The Pit 'cause I’m revealing secrets and expect to be attacked by some more of the radical Jews on the Board!*
Fellow Jews,
Willy is onto us ( here ) and frankly, it’s long past time we told him the truth. He’s going to figure it out anyway, so why prolong his suffering? He’s one of us now and he deserves to know.
Willy, you’re right. Jews are part of a vast, global conspiracy to control all the power and weath in the world. We do use innocent blood to make our matzo and we do sneer at non-Jews.
But now you’re one of us! And the whole truth must be told.
It’s important to Jews to make sure that all Jews share our ill=gotten gain. When we find a “lost sheep” or “mamzer” as we call them, we make sure that they’re contacted as soon as possible to let you know that you were one of us and to trigger certain…changes.
When a mamzer receives one of these calls, the kosher allele on the Jewish gene is triggered and mental and physical changes occur.
First, Willy the mamzer is probably feeling a craving for gefilte fish, bagels and lox with a schmeer, kreplach and so on. Nothing but Dr. Brown’s cream soda or Maneschevitz wine should seem acceptable to drink. Willy’s also beginning to appreciate the humor of “borsht belt” comedians like Jackie Mason and the incomparable Lou Jacobi. Finally, he should start craving money. Not for any need or to purchase things with, just to aquire (and possibly to roll around in, burrow through like a porpoise and throw into the air and let it hit him in the head).
Also, he’s undergoing physical changes. His forehead and the base of his spine are probably itching terribly right now (so we should excuse his irritablity): he’s growing in his horns and tail. While there’s no word that describes the state of Willy’s tail, we have an affectionate nickname someone who’s head is in the state that Willy’s is in: a tuchis-keppe. “Keppe” means “head” and “tuchis” refers to the state or condition that Willy’s is in.
As I said, normally knowing about the changes in advance helps people accept the inevitable, but Willy’s obviously one of those rare people for whom the change doesn’t go so smoothly. We call these people “meeskites”. It’s up to us to be kind to him and tell him what he needs to know to make the transition easier.
Fellow Jews, up 'till now, you have been posting the standard stuff to Willy. You’ve been real mentshs. But now’s the time to tell him the truth. If you do, it’ll be a mitzvah!
Fenris, fessing up.
*Frankly, I fear for my life. I may get a hamentashen in my pupik for revealing this. But the truth must be told.