My question is whether you feel this deep romantic love can be cultivated either a) from seemingly nothing or b) once lost (assuming it has been there in the past). It seems that some folks I know are of the opinion that this kind of romance, this kind of love is something that is either there or it isn’t, and others stress that with work and committment it can flourish regardless. What’s your take on this?
And as a bonus question, do you feel this particular type of love is vital to a caring, committed relationship? Why or why not?
I’ll add my own musings later, as I’m still chewing on a few things, but I was curious to see another’s take on this.
I’m honoured that my misery is someone’s food for thought.
Deep romantic love must be cultivated. At least it is for me. When my wife and I met, it was not love at first sight. I rescued her from a few university varsity team hockey players that were circling her like buzzards at the school pub where I worked as a doorman.
With a drop of blood on my shirt from an earlier disagreement from a less than civil patron, I was a sight for sore eyes. Definately less than impressive.
But we talked and became friends and in a month’s time we went out on a date. It was love after that. But preceded by a friendship, trust, respect and of course LUST.
I always thought that for us (Mrs. QS and I) deep love would be forever. I may yet be proven wrong… YMMV.
The amount of work you put in to cultivate a romance is the same amount of work you need to maintain it. The question should be is that much work worth it and are you willing to maintain that level of cultivation for the rest of your life?
For me, romance has sometimes been cultivated and grown from nothing. However, there is no guarantee that it can be created. It is also true that romance (and chemistry) is either there, or it is not.
This is complicated. Eschew simpler viewpoints.
Romance seals a connection between people. This is a cement that imbues many long term relationships, but it is also a force that keeps some people in bad situations. Romance does not always give good results, and much injury has resulted from romantic notions, or the wish for fairytale relationships. Romance, like sexy advertising, is a force that has no morality – it is seductive but does not guarantee a happy life. Yet the absence of romance in a commited relationship eats away at the soul. This is paradox, but true all the same.
There is no such thing as “romance”. You’ve been had by fantasy stories and popular media cultures. There is no “love” at first sight, but rather “lust” at first sight confused for “love”. Perhaps love is cultvated, but I wouldn’t call it “romance”. “Romance” happens in the movies, a make-believe world that ends when the film runs out and the lights go out. The romatic heroes do not have to live the rest of their lives with the objects of their romance. Lifelong relationships are difficult and trying. The challenges build love. Romance is a gushy feeling, sourced in one’s self and not the object of romance, and is not a true deep love for someone else. Romance is involvement with oneself that is shared. Love is selfless.
I would like to add that romance only applies to the rich (enough to buy the idea), can you separate ideas of romance from expensive gifts and extravagant gestures?
Well when two people meet for the first time there is nothing between them. Their relationship starts from nothing and then progresses through the various stages of like/lust/love (in no particular order)
To maintain that relationship takes cultivating (also known as work) The key is that both people need to want to cultivate the relationship and they both need to do the required work. One person cannot make a relationship on their own.
As the couple stays together often the romantic part is lost in the shuffle of work/home/kids/stress and that is often when people grow apart. That romantic love part is (IMHO) what keeps people feeling appreciated and loved in a way that ‘thanks for doing the dishes’ just doesnt. So I would say it is important for the long term health of the relationship.
And I don’t think romance only applies to the rich. The most romantic things my husband has ever done for me did not involve presents or extravagance. Those kind of hallmark moments strike me as contrived and trite… romance has to come from the heart and not the pocket book!
Truer words were never written. There was thread a while back about what is and isn’t romantic that might make good reading for some of you.
Romance is showing a person that you know them down to the bones and the soul. It’s not necessarily extravagant, and extravagant isn’t always romantic.
Love is like spontaneous combustion; the fire starts on its own, but it burns out pretty quickly with no fuel. Sometimes, though, it just burns down to embers, and with the proper tools and enough work you can build the fire back up. Romance is part of the fuel you need to keep your fire burning. You also need honesty, and compassion, and respect for a healthy relationship, but you can’t discount the importance of romance.
So, short answer, yes, sometimes you can build, or rebuild, deep romantic love.
I feel I must share what my actions are rather than what I think they should be.
I give Mrs.Phlosphr fresh flowers every week for her office. When the season is right I pick them for her, when it’s not I buy them. Has she gorwn to expect the flowers? No. I give them to her because I love her, because it is a manefestation of the words I say to her. I love you, translated into a Gardenia, or lily just mean more in my eyes.
Cultivated you say? Yes, Romantic love can be cultivated, groomed, trimmed, pruned and above all nurtured for a lasting relationship.
I used to love flowers…I used to sing the flowie song and do the flowie dance… then I got a cat… now I have 4 cats and actively cringe when I get flowers.
Philosphr… just wait until your precious angel kitty yakks flowie parts all over the floor in the middle of the night
Feelings aren’t constant for years. Love is like everything else; it has to change to stay alive. The heady, passionate, “can’t live without you” stuff doesn’t last but what comes in its place - a glow that comes from the intimacy of truly knowing someone down to their depths and being known that way as well -
is, IMHO, far more satisfying.
I think deep romantic love suddenly happens. Concious cultivation may foster a relationship of mutual love and respect. (good things) but there’s that moment in a relationship or marriage where one night, you look over at your sleeping wife and suddenly feel an overwhelming gratitude for her company. You tell her that you love her. She responds with a half-sentient “I love you too” and falls back asleep.
that’s the moment when you know that you would die for her.
