I have the most pessimistic theory about this. Ever.
It goes like this: There are very few intrinsically “nice” people. Basically, from birth on up, we test the world around us to see how big of an asshole we can get away with being. The world lets us know with each trial by either caving in or delivering the timely bitchslap. Those who grow up to be “assholes” are so because they can get away with it most of the time. Those who grow up to be nice have had the passive approach beaten into them.
Assholes get away with being assholes because they either have something others want, which forces people to tolerate them, or they’re so overpowering they steamroll all in their path. Typically, these folks have looks, charm, and power. These are all traits that tend to pin the human attract-o-meter, and women (not to single them out) are often all-too-willing to look past certain character flaws to capture those endowed with these “star qualities”. So, to the winners of the genetic and socioeconomic crap-shoot go the spoils, regardless of their capacity for compassion. Since these folks suffer little penalty for overbearing assertion, they have little incentive to treat others with the respect they demand for themselves, and hence typically don’t. Are we not often astonished by those whose beauty and wealth is only surpassed by their congeniality?
Why are most folks nice? Because they have to be. To navigate the world as painlessly as possible, they adapt a conciliatory stance in most instances rather than suffer the injuries of confrontation and likely defeat. They project an outward civility, but are often seething internally due to a lifetime of absorbing various blows to their self-esteem, the various indignities which remind them of their mediocrity, even inadequacy. To be nice is the healthiest coping mechanism, as the alternative is a perpetual state of impotent rage.
Nice guys “win” as the last resort of the abused, or the only alternative to the other milquetoasts. They know they’re sloppy seconds, and resent it; but it’s a futile resentment. If the world were fair, if human beings intrinsically good, their humane approach to life (which, in most cases, they did not choose themselves) would be its own reward. It isn’t. Those who usually get what they want are so successful because they’re fundamentally able to be calculatedly ruthless when the opportunity presents itself. They abuse with the consent of the abused, because, paradoxically, they’re admired for it. The nice can’t pull this off.
Is it “better” to be nice or not? Value judgements aren’t terribly relevant when one has little choice in the matter. The nice often aren’t admired for their humility because there’s little to remark about goodness when you can’t be bad. Outrage over the unfairness of this arrangement is almost always futile, because so many facets of ones appearance, personality, inherited wealth, etc. are either highly resistant or impossible to change. One must accept what they cannot control with whatever grace they can muster, or waste their lives being gnawed by bitterness.
Are you a nice guy ? Well, how about paying more attention to the plain Jane, the wallflower, the good people who are in the same boat as you. So you’re not “all that”. Join the club. There are countless others around you who, perhaps unlike yourself, have gotten over needing the “perfect” mate, and might just be looking for a good friend, warts and all. Are you? If not, you’ll have to work extra hard to snare that beauty queen, and the returns on your investment may be less than whay you had hoped, once the wonder over your good fortune wears off.
Bitter “nice” guys don’t find love because, too often, they couldn’t bear to be with someone like themselves. Sometimes they find out too late they can’t manage being an asshole as successfully as they hoped, and have to settle for something less glamorous. Life ain’t fair, kiddo. Best accept it and try to find what happiness you can, before you waste any more time.
