Can you guys give me feedback on my writing?

Cafe Society
1

I wrote this when my girlfriend was in a bad state of mind, and I want to know what you guys think of it.

Hold back nothing, just please try to provide in depth explanation of why you feel that way. I want feedback in a few areas, such as flow, emotion, and how it makes you guys feel.

This is my first time actually posting my work up, and I want some feedback on how I did.

Here is the poem:

Breathe.

Close your eyes. Breathe.

Feel the way the wind blows through your hair.

Breathe.

Take a deep breath.

Look at the trees.

Feel the way the grass moves beneath your feet.

Breathe.

Feel the warmth of the sun.

Feel the love you have experienced.

Feel yourself breathing faster and deeper.

You.

You are alive.

You have always been alive.

Breathe.

Embrace the moments that make you smile,
Hold onto the laughter that glows in your heart.
Let it shine through.

Breathe.

So take a moment, just for you.

And remember, the world is better with you in it,

And remember, You are everything.

So take a moment and breathe.

You matter,

You are loved,

You are cherished,

You are stronger than you know,

You are not alone,

And I love you for who you are,

So just be yourself.

Be goofy,

Charismatic,

Funny,

Composed

Creative,

And considerate.

Or you can be

Sad,

Disorganized,

Or serious.

But you need to know,

You are never alone.

So take a moment to be all those things.

Shed a tear,

Or just,

Breathe.

2

I think the poem is trying to tell me to do something but I just can’t put my finger on it.

I hope to figure it out soon; I’m getting lightheaded in anticipation.

Stranger

3

I couldn’t read it past the first few lines. My first reaction was "This is beautiful, but showing it to a bunch of people on the internet seems like it makes it less special. I’m betting you didn’t ask your girlfriend if you should broadcast her personal poem all over the world.

I know if I asked my girlfriend if I should post it, her response would be “Take it down and let it be just between us.”

4

The intentions are good, I’m sure it’s wholesome - but to be really honest, it sounds like ChatGPT. I’m not saying you cheated and used AI, I’m just saying, it sounds like what AI makes these days.

5

I think that as a note to a sad girlfriend it is pretty good and hopefully makes her feel better. As poetry, however, it shows some triteness in places and doesn’t quite take me anywhere. But I’m tough on poetry. It really needs to move me or it doesn’t interest me that much.

Nice thoughts, though.

6

Damn it has really gotten good hasn’t it? Chatgpt I mean.

7

Also, I prepped for that. I made two versions, one that only we know about, and the one that you all are reading.

8

I thought it was very cliche

9

I’m not a poetry expert. I am a writer though.

It reminded me of when my husband and I first started dating (we were 19.) I had severe depression at the time. I think its biggest strength is that it conveys the kind of love I actually experienced at the hardest time of my life. You get triple partner points for that.

As a poem, I like the pacing, but the content is too general. I had an old writing teacher who preached the universality of specificity. You need to make it more specific to the person you wrote it for. You need details that stand out. I want to understand who this person is. And if you nail that, more people will find it relevant. Do you understand what I mean?

10

I think so. I’ve been rewriting it for more detail. it’s now pretty specific. thanks!