How much wood could a Chuck Norris chuck if a Chuck Norris could chuck wood? One old peasant from Tunguska asked this once. Once.
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
For those of you who took the LSAT, you may have run across this one:
One day, while taking the LSAT for fun (hey, who the hell are YOU to tell Chuck what’s fun?), Chuck Norris came across his first logic game:
An amusement park roller coaster includes five cars, numbered 1 through 5 from front to back. Each car accommodates up to two riders, seated side by side. Six people—Tom, Gwen, Laurie, Mark, Paul and Jack—are riding the coaster at the same time.
* Laurie is sharing a car.
* Mark is not sharing a car and is seated immediately behind an empty car.
* Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul.
* Gwen is riding in either the third or fourth car.
Enraged, Chuck Norris made them all sit in the same fucking car.
(During my LSAT induced fatigue, I thought this was SO funny.)
Chuck Norris’ chest hair can scratch glass.
I think the idea was to come up with a NEW joke, not repeat ones that already existed. “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.” is, IMHO, the best Chuck Norris joke ever, but it’s not new.
I just like the idea of Chuck lying in bed, still wearing his “Walker, Texas Ranger” outfit, staring furiously at the ceiling for dawn to break so he can run outside and start kicking people.
Chuck Norris does not wait for dawn to break. He get’s up and roundhouse kicks the dawn and it breaks when he’s damned good and ready.
In a cemetery with an old man and his family?
Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris developed a voting system of at least two members and three options that is not a dictatorship, accounts for all options, is independent of irrelevant alternatives and is Pareto efficient.
Chuck Norris once made a microwave burrito too hot for God to pick up. Then he ate God.
Dawn doesn’t break. Chuck Norris chased the sun away the previous day. The sun runs so far that it comes back around the other side, where Chuck is waiting for the ambush.
Chuck Norris doesn’t order steak in a restaurant. He walks in, sits down and a steer kills itself on his table.
That wasn’t a war cemetery. It was a memorial to Chuck Norris’s classmates.
Of course, you might be wondering why it was in France. When Chuck Norris delivers a roundhouse kick to your head in the United States, you’ll probably land in a different country.
Who can top RickJay’s Chuck Norris joke?
Chuck Norris can.
Research has shown that one drop of Chuck Norris’s tears can cure eight kinds of cancer. Norris, though, refuses to weep. “What, me weep? Let 'em die.”
In Chuck Norris’s olive grove, he glares at the olives, and they pickle themselves, right there on the tree.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need the Your-Skin Cone- the only damage from his circumcision was to the knife, and nothing can undo it.
Chuck Norris didn’t put the bomp in the bomp-shi-bomp-shi-bomp. But he once tracked down the guy who did.
Chuck Norris has a Bacon number of -1.
Chuck Norris delivered a baby in public once using his fingernails to perform a C-section. As soon as he was done, he reached over a killed a guy. He said that he just likes the idea of symmetry.
It’s not knew but it’s my favorite.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the fuck down.