My family’s already been through this once, and now it’s happening again? I thought it was supposed to be meaningful once you passed the five-year “Survivor” mark, but apparently cancer just hangs around quietly, waiting to give a Nelson-like HA-ha! three months later.
My dad is not the nicest person on earth. He’s really in a pretty low percentile, if you ask me or my brother. And it’s ironic that the tongue he used to shout at us and tear us down when we were kids, the tongue he used to belittle my mother and demand her meek obedience constantly, the tongue he used to drink more bourbon than should be humanly possible every night, the tongue he used to overeat until he is WAY past morbidly obese, that it’s this tongue that has turned on him and developed oral cancer.
Again. Because this happened before, 6 years ago, and it was hellish for all concerned. He was given a 1 in 4 chance, and told that he could either do a radiation-and-chemo combo so powerful that he would not get to try it again later, or he could have surgery that could be so destructive as to remove lower jaw, tongue, and most teeth. Well, duh, he chose radiation and chemo, and it really was intense. 8 weeks of radiation 2x every day, and during that time 2 2-week periods in the hospital with constant chemo. Absolutely awful, but we got through it. And they pronounced him cured!
2 weeks later they said they were wrong, but surgery was now the only option. So surgery it was, and luckily it wasn’t as destructive as they predicted - just a shortening of the tongue, a little bone out of the jaw, all the lymph nodes from the neck and shoulder. Mom and I spent the two weeks afterwards at the hospital with him - someone was there 24/7, literally, because he wanted it that way. Then we brought him home and got to do twice a day trach cleanings, feed him through the NG tube, wake up in the middle of the night to give medicines, etc., for another 3 weeks. Yeah, good times.
But again they pronounced him cured! For a couple of years he did make an effort to be a better person, and was actually pretty nice to be around. Slowly, though, he went back to drinking, and ate enough to gain all his weight back plus another 75 pounds. And drinking’s never positive with Dad, he’s mean and petty and controlling. He’s retired, and does nothing but sleep, sit on the couch and watch television, and visit thrift shops and yard sales to waste money on crap that has filled up all the rooms in the house. All my life I’ve watched him make my mom’s life as difficult as possible, and I’ve hated him for it, and now I have to pretend like I care for her sake.
Since dad’s “cure,” my brother finished college and took a job that lets him travel a lot, and I moved about 5 hours away. And this would be the time that that wacky cancer decides to return! How am I supposed to help out like I did before? Back then, it was easy for me to take him to radiation everyday by taking time off from work and driving across town. Now it’s going to be a struggle to take a couple of weeks off. Saddest of all, I know in my heart that I’ll only be doing it for my mom. And apparently when she told my brother about all this, he just said “oh.” And when she asked if he would be in town this week, he said “nope.” And that was it. So now she’s emailing me about how selfish he is. Damn it! This is not the time for the family to dissolve into hurt feelings and manly stoicism. She’s going to need my brother’s help, and I swear I will kick his ass if he’s not there for her.
My terrible gut feeling is that dad will refuse treatment, and that he may be even more proactive than that. With his drinking, pessimism, depression, and paranoia (let’s not even get into all that), I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he takes matters into his own hands. If that’s his choice, I only hope that he makes it bearable for mom. And this makes me feel especially terrible, that I don’t really care all that much if he kills himself, except for how it will affect my mom.
So I don’t know who or what I’m pitting. My dad for being an asshole for most of my life? Cancer for being horrible and sneaky and likely deadly this time? My brother for being taciturn and laid back? My mom for not understanding that my brother’s pretty low-key but responsible when push comes to shove? Myself for not loving my dad very much? Myself for feeling that I’m just going to be inconvenienced by all this? I have no idea. I just know that the next year of my life is going to suck, but not nearly as much as it will for my mom, and definitely not as much as it’s going to suck for my dad.
SS