Dammit, Falcon already grabbed the “wisecracking secretary” role . . . And it looks like we have one goldhearted “hooker” and one goldhearted “hokker” (some kind of sexy pawnbroker, I assume?).
So I guess I will be the wealthy society dowager who—it turns out—used to be a burly-que queen in her younger days, and is willing to do ANYTHING to hide this from her blue-blooded hubby. To be played either by Margaret Dumont or Mrs. Patrick Campbell.
I could be the mob enforcer that kicks your ass for getting too close to the truth. (In most detective stories, you then get to kick the mob enforcer’s ass later on, or at least you get to shoot him.)
I want to be the Source of Information. Y’know, the guy (or girl, in my case) who hangs out in bars with gorgeous men at her side and the ability to get messages back and forth to people and random, unspecified information.
Think a female, non-albino Danny Boy Bell from the Scudder series.
Robin
I want to be the clueless sidekick.
Keith
Jester - I’ll volunteer. Do with me what you will. (I told y’all in another thread MY week was lookin’ up!)
Ooh, sounds good! Count me in!
I could stretch my acting credibilities and be…
<wait for it>
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the stool pigeon!
[sub]Thank you! I’ll be here all week![/sub]
Or any character you are desperately in need of.
I could be the faithful assistant, diligently ferreting out information, who has a “secret” crush on you… where might that lead, hmmm?
Or how about the sexy bartender who’s a good listener and knows everyone’s secrets?
I wanna be the sultry lounge singer that’s always good for a drink at the bar and a hot tip or two!
Can I be the weaselly Peter Lorre-type guy?
SPOOFE has a comic book? I’ve always wanted to be a cartoon character. I could be Heli Boy. But if you need someone in your story to fly your detective out into the woods, where he is to meet Peter Lorre to pick up a lead as to the identity of the person who stole the Tequila Mockingbird… (BTW, I fly a Schwiezer 300CB.)
Oooh - detective stories!
I volunteer to be the edito/co-author! I’ve been writing these for a while, and (normally, though not at the moment) am even in Pittsburgh! Besides, I just took Detective Fiction last semester at Pitt 
Anyway, if you want some help wasting time with (or adding gratuitous, cynical humor to) the story, just say the word 
I want to be the Police Lt. that warns you to not stick your ugly nose into this one. It’s too big for you.’
Ahh I’m so embarassed :o hokker=hooker. Sorry Eve.
It looks as if most of the good parts are already taken. But I’ll volunteer any way:
I want to play the average working-class guy who accidentally stumbles upon a crucial piece of evidence and then (fearing mob retribution) goes into hiding, along with the very incriminating “macguffin” that all the main characters are desperate to get their hands on…
Can I be the McGuffin?
“The black statue is a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted bust of the great swiss independence hero Arnold Winkelried, which has been knocking around curio shops for the past two hundred years. It was covered by black lacquer and lost after the defeat at Marignan in 1515. Now only two people in the whole wide world know the story behind that black object, and that’s you and me.”
If not, just have me as a martini-sipping doofus with a monocole. Or fit me in whichever way you want, I’m not proud.
I wanna be the William Bendix character…the huge moronic rubbery-lipped enforcer who sadistically beats the imprisoned Hero over a period of days. (THE GLASS KEY)
Or the Evil Private Eye, symbolizing the Hero’s darker side, who works the opposite side of the mean streets and lies and cheats and has sex with the Femme Fatale and steals and sadistically beats the Hero…like Raymond Burr in PITFALL.
Now there’s a disturbing image I could have done without.
BTW, Uke, when I first saw this thread title, I immediately thought of Nick and Nora Charles–and who (in this thread) would be playing them.
Turns out not to be the case, though. . . .
Nope, nope…now you know…my innermost fantasy and aspiration is to be a heavy-browed moronic Herobeater.
Hey! Raymond Burr was actually kinda sexy in PITFALL, if you like large bearish thick-lipped men. It WAS 1948. And he was…(quick sidetrip to the IMDB)…31.
I’d like to be in it too, please.
If pos., I’d like to be the best-in-the-known-world techncial specialist in some particular field or other that you need to know about to crack the case. There’s usually one in most modern crime stories.
Alternatively, if you like the ‘impossible crime’ or ‘locked room’ mystery, I’d like to be he specialist in deception\illusion whom you consult to get a handle on how the ‘impossible’ crime could actually have been pulled off. You can plot whatever murder scene you like, because there is ALWAYS a way it could have been done!
As you may have guessed, I have spent way too many hours reading JD Carr stories…
I’ll be the smart, sexy medical examiner who provides the scientific evidence that is crucial to your case, plus patches you up after the inevitable fight with the bad guys (tough gumshoes like you never go to the hospital, after all).