I’m not completely sure what triggered it; it might have been a survival instinct* kicking in, knowing something had to change. The biggest force was my loving and caring boyfriend, but I had begun the process of changing before that.
And yes, it’s the “I must be perfect” attitude that was doing me in. Please realize that I honestly did not believe that it applied to anyone else. No one else needed to be perfect, just me. I’m a natural girly girl, but during these years I looked almost totally unfeminine, because I honestly believed people would laugh at ME trying to look pretty (“psh, who does she think she is? She’s hideous and trying to wear a pretty dress? hahahahahahaha!”).
Every single thing I did, I felt that others were secretly laughing at how pathetic I was. I pushed my friends away, starved myself**, demanded perfection in schoolwork while slacking off juuuuuuust enough to not get it (so I could then keep hating myself). I never got into cutting because I have this thing about bleeding, but I would scratch the same spot over and over and over; if you got to where the skin turned pink, it would feel burn-y for the next day or so when things hit it and it would scab and scar.
I don’t necessarily blame the Catholic faith itself. Let me use an analogy from What Not To Wear. I told you I was a girly girl. They get these makeovers who wear torn up sweatpants and stained shirts everywhere. They’ll show this lady a “running errands” outfit that’s ridiculously over-dressed; satiny blouse, skirt, high heels, fancy jewelry and a funky purse.
Sure, it’d be great if the makover-ee was able to do that. They don’t really expect that, though. What they’re doing is showing the one extreme (messy slobbiness) the other extreme (very dressy) in the hopes that she will just get somewhere in the middle (nice fitting jeans and a cute, well-fitting tshirt with non-slobby sneakers or flats).
The problem is that there are some people :: waves at everyone :: who will hear their instructions and feel they absolutely have to live up to that standard now. Period, end of story. Middle ground isn’t good enough; that’s not what we were told to reach for, so anything less is failure. That’s a personality quirk. Unfortunately it’s a ‘quirk’ that can result in tragedy if you don’t curb it.***
I really don’t mean to denegrate the Catholic faith, which I know could sound that way with “survival instinct”.
** Partly because yes, I was fat, but the bigger satisfaction was thinking, “Take that. THAT is what you deserve”.
*** Hell, I still feel that I suck at what I do, even though at my job I’ve received awesome compliments from my manager (and his manager), really really nice raises and performance reviews. When my manager says, “oh, I need to talk to you for a minute”, my very very very first instinct is, “OHMYGOD I’M FIRED. They figured out how awful I am at this!”
Once you know how, it takes about one minute every morning. But it does take a little while to learn to read your body accurately. The plural of anecdote isn’t data, etc. but I’ve used it successfully (and got pregnant when I wanted to, first try), and know three other couples, who have used it exclusively for several years. No kids yet. For two, four, and three years, respectively.
From everything I’ve read NFP is no more statistically reliable than having intercourse in conjunction with the phases of the moon --or what’s on TV.
Furthermore, recent thought on the subject has indicated that NFP may actually be responsible for a great number of miscarriages due to fertilization happening on the fringe ends of the cycle (where viability is less than reliable) thus resulting in a non-viable pregnancy.
This would mean many women have had miscarriages and discounted them as simply a late period because they didn’t even know they were pregnant.
Sex is not an urge. It is the urge. It is what we are all about. Every specie is trying to pass its DNA down to the next generation. It is the reason we still exist. Repressing the sex urge ,I think,is unhealthy. Fighting over a woman is more primal than a fist fight . It is our right to procreate that we are defending. You are still a mammal trying to pass your characteristics on to the future.
I am all for recreational sex. practice makes perfect. Protection is a good thing though.
I didn’t say perfect, I said pretty damn effective. 1% to 9% failure rate, if used correctly. As to the miscarriage/non-implantation article, it’s not conclusive, and I’d like to see further research. On first reading, it doesn’t bother me a whole lot that FAM may cause some fertilized ova with genetic problems to fail to implant.
The thing about NFP is that, in the Catholic faith, it’s supposed to be used within the bonds of marriage, and you are always supposed to be open to the possibility of children anyway. I think one of the biggest problems with this area of Catholic theology, is that some people apparently alleviate some of their guilt over non-marital sex by not using artificial birth control. I personally believe that bringing a child into a relationship that might not be stable or having an abortion are far greater moral problem than using BC to prevent conception in the first place. In fact, my view of abstinence is that it’s often worth avoiding sex altogether in order to avoid those moral problems, and the spiritual issues never much came into it for me, as they seemed secondary. I think that the Church tends to talk about abstinence from a spiritual perspective, and that they might be better off discussing more about the very real possibility of pregnancy no matter what kind of BC is used, and how that can cause much more physical and spiritual harm than one roll in the hay ever could.
OK, here are some replies/comments. Sorry for the delay. If you just want my current perspective on things, then scroll down past the asterisks.
Ah, I didnt mean that the urge itself was a result of the Fall, but the perversion of it.
Always nice to have company I’m curious; how did anger at God lead you to decide that your sexual behavior didn’t matter?
Wow! I can’t imagine what it’s like to be gay in the Church. I mean dont we profess that homosexuality is fundamentally disordered. I’m not saying I buy it, just asking for a clarification.
There’s a great diversity of opinions here, and those in agreement with Christian teaching will stand out more here. I also figure they would probably have much more thought-out reasons for their beliefs. I think I’ve been right.
Honestly, both.
Bordering onto GD here, but would you mind quickly elucidating? I’m not a Bible idiot, but I would like to hear your interpretation.
Thank you! The question is whether I need to discipline myself yet further.
I totally agree with your premise, but I (at the moment) think sex in a committed relationship is a valid use of the human VCR. I dont think it’s casual sex. I dont think sex should ever be casual.
This line of reasoning has affected me the most in putting my vote in the ‘premarital is acceptable’ camp. It makes perfect sense that Christians 2000 years ago would preach chastity and abstinence, but now that there are effective ways of conception, sex can be had outside marriage without such harmful consequences. Of course, Orthodox Catholics would say that sex is for union AND procreation, while I believe that it’s ok if it’s not always for procreation, that this concept was fabricated to create an umbrella which can outlaw contraception, homosexuality, and pre-marital sex, all in one neat little package.
If you could, that would be great. I’m specifically interested in hearing things from a Christian perspective, because I’m not about to give up my faith over this issue.
Repeated for emphasis.
I agreed with your whole post, but I like that part the most. Always nice to meet a fellow Princess Bride fan too!
I’m aware of the temptation to merely rationalize, and I’m doing my best to avoid it.
I respectfully disagree. My faith is my core, my root. The object of that faith provides me with meaning and joy. My faith is not fucking me up, and neither is this struggle with one aspect of it. It’s caused a little stress, but I’m fine overall.
If there’s a physical problem, then pain is a healthy reminder. If there’s a moral problem, then the same goes for guilt. My task is to find out whether the guilt is from my upbringing, or whether I’ve actually done something wrong (in the eyes of God for me, but it can work secularly too perhaps). Besides the fact that I think suffering is too strong a word, I dont think suffering is that bad if it has a purpose. I’m sorry religion and the people associated with it have hurt you so much, but I simple dont agree with your portrayal of me.
Only on weekends
Sooooooo, I currently believe that sex is powerful and brings people together, and that it should not be done to anyone except those who you are prepared to be bonded to in some fasion for the rest of one’s life. While I engage in sex outside of marriage, I’m far from casual. I’m not sure, but I believe in souls, and I think they are brought together in sex.
I think that the reason for Christian teachings of chastity was because there was no contraception and that sex outside marriage in early Christian days was disastrous in terms of disease and the number of resultant abortions.
I still feel a little guilt, but it’s getting less and less. Again, the Christian observation is that as I have sex more often, my conscience will be numbed and I’ll feel less guilt. I think the guilt is less though because I’m more confident in the rightness of my actions.
I’m not going to abandon my faith, and, because I’m at a breach with Catholic/Christian tradition, I must continue to read and educate myself more. I think sexuality is the issue of the generation, so I find it entertaining and relevant anyway. I believe the Church is wrong on this issue, and I am bound by my conscience to engage in dialogue in an attempt to clarify and spread accurate teaching. As silly as it might sound on this board, Christians are lovers of the Truth, and so I cant just let things rest with me. If anyone knows of any prominent Catholic/Christian scholars who condone pre-marital sex, that would be a great start.
Of course, after further reading of the Bible and Christian teachings, I just might change my mind yet again. I’m not stressing out about it though, so dont worry about me!
I’m glad you came back (I thought all the “loud voices” had put you off); and I’m glad you are coming to terms with your issue in ways that are meaningful to you.
“Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire.” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
I suppose a good rules lawyer can worm his way out of that one. It presupposes two states, one of having no self-control and one of being married*. Where does sharing yourself with a loved one, in a monogamous way, fit in?
*And a third state, being voluntarily celibate. And that’s supposed to be the best way?
"If anyone thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, and if a critical moment has come and so it has to be, let him do as he wishes. He is committing no sin; let them get married.
"The one who stands firm in his resolve, however, who is not under compulsion but has power over his own will, and has made up his mind to keep his virgin, will be doing well.
“So then, the one who marries his virgin does well; the one who does not marry her will do better.”
They get these makeovers who wear torn up sweatpants and stained shirts everywhere. They’ll show this lady a “running errands” outfit that’s ridiculously over-dressed; satiny blouse, skirt, high heels, fancy jewelry and a funky purse.