Want to know a secret? I’m pretty sure if The Raj Ratings didn’t exist, I may have ended up creating the Gene Simmons Ratings, because, while I generally abhor him as a human being, I think he may be the greatest contestant this show has ever seen.
That was a good episode and the 2nd in a row where a fitting person was fired which is a nice change from the last few seasons. I missed the name of Captain GQ CEO, the substitute George, but every time I saw him on the screen I immediately thought of the MST3K riff from Space Mutiny. Every time he came on the screen, I couldn’t help but think of Big McLargeHuge, Slab Bulkhead, Blast Hardcheese, or Bolt Vanderhuge. That alone would have made the episode worthwhile. Well, that and Gene Simmons’ clear lack of awe at the show, The Donald, and surrounding life in general. There is something oddly pleasant about extreme ego paired with ability and distance. I’d punch him in the face if we were on the same team, but I can watch him for hours on the TV. I can’t explain it any better than that.
A new thing to note…Pay attention to how Trump fires and memorializes each candidate. Trump knows he can’t seriously blast anyone as an idiot because I bet he makes enough money off of this show that he’d like to do it again assuming ratings pan out. If he savages celebrities, he won’t have a shot of getting anyone to come on. That said, I think we will see one of three options. He will either be pleasantly ambivalent like with Tiffany last week. She was a minor celeb with powerful friends so he had to be careful not to call her useless. This week, he was much the same way with Nadia. I think his second style will be overly effusive, as he was with Nely for similar missteps that would have easily earned a tongue lashing and firing if her name were Sarah Smith with a bank account of $20. And, I predict he’ll pretty much rip Omarosa apart because he can. She has no celebrity, no connections, and can’t really cause him any future harm so he can shred her without fear of recrimination.
On to the voodoo that I do so well.
The Raj Ratings
David – Who? Exactly.
Tiffany Fallon (the breasts of the show) – Welcome to history’s dustbin.
Nadia Comaneci (Olympic Gold medal gymnast) – The good news: You got on screen this week. The bad news: Since Nely had a bad day but is pretty obviously capable to be worth a second look, you didn’t show much of anything. Feel free to triple flip with a layout off of our screens and back into our hearts.
Sam – Candidates that are not hated, loved, competent, sane, or normal but provide the combo of unintential comedy, limited shelf life, and way below average results.
Carol Alt (Model) – I don’t think she did anything objectionably wrong, so the boardroom appearance won’t really hurt her. The trouble is, you could repeat the previous sentence and stop after th 6th word and be just as accurate.
Vincent Pastore (Italian sterotype) – Granted his team is winning, but he has made no impression in a room full of positive impressions.
Nely Galan (Some TV exec with Telemundo) - It’s a steep drop and she can easily redeem herself in Trump’s eyes (vaguely important) and my eyes (clearly her main goal in life) but it will take some work. I also get the feeling that if we were to walk in her office, we’d see a bookcase covered in the latest management fad of the month titles. Anyone for corporate lingo bingo?
Omarosa – Villians and late round cannon fodder kept around solely for editors and the viewing public to mock.
Omarosa (Attention whore) – Really, is there any way she moves from this category. It was nice to basically have an episode free of her lunacy. It’s actually a good editing move. If someone came up and hit me with a stick once a minute, that stick would be gone quickly. If they hit me with a stick once a month, it will take longer to earn my wrath. And, openly enjoying the other commercial should be one of those things that earns wrath from Trump and her team as a disloyal action, so I remain hopeful for that to happen next week. Also, after the combination of her new cartoon chest and Nely’s caricaturistic (it’ll be a word someday) face, what’s the % of women on this show that have gone under the knife? I say 71%.
Katrina – Hot chicks, closet wackos, and middle of the road performers.
Piers Morgan (Editor) – I’m pretty sure that once his team loses, he’s going to shift to the Omarosa category. He doesn’t seem overly evil, but he does seem like someone who you can live with in good times and want to beat with a fish in bad times.
Jennie Finch (Gold medal winning softball pitcher) – Like I said last week, I have no impartiality here. She hasn’t done squat, is probably way outclassed when it comes to business skills, and is likely too inexperienced to put up a fight. But, she’s off the charts awesome. I feel like a teenybopper at an Obama rally.
Trace Adkins (Country singer) – What do we know of Trace? He wears a cowboy hat, he can talk solemnly about dogs and boxers, and his first name is both a noun and a verb.
Tito Ortiz (Ultimate Fighter) – I appreciate the enthusiasm. I don’t really know what you bring to the table yet.
Troy – Likeable, maybe even loveable, but you just know they have a ceiling.
Lennox Lewis (Boxing champ) – What do we know of Lennox? He can hug a dog, he’s bigger than anyone on the show, and he titillates Omarosa. I may need to drop him just because of that.
Marilu Henner (Actress) – Not a great week, but which women strike you as better? 2 are pretty blah, one just had a worse week, and one is made up of equal parts anger, idiocy, and silicone. As long as she doesn’t use Trump’s desk as a bathroom, she should coast for a while.
Kwame – Good to great, but just can’t quite be considered the top dog. But, someone to be reckoned with.
Stephen Baldwin (2nd funniest Baldwin brother, although his is 99% driven by unintentional comdey) – I really, really want him to last. He’s like Eddie Haskell with a more obvious smirk.
Bill – A diamond in a field of drooling camera hogs. Someone who, whether the team wins or loses, has the look of a finalist and likely winner.
Gene Simmons (KISS frontman) – His greatest strengths (massive ego, self-reliance, gigantic tongue) will probably be his undoing. But, until then, he can keep riding on the top of the van and own the high school like Teen Wolf did. But, at some point, he will fall off.
The Perdew/Rancic Corollary – Carol and Omarosa are out. Nely is teetering. She needs 2 or 3 weeks of minimal screen time to have a shot. Vincent needs a favorable edit soon as well.