Tracer,
This is indeed exactly what I am saying. (Minor nitpick- I wouldn’t say “fool yourself into thinking you’ve got the best” - rather, ignore comparisons with everyone else entirely). I don’t know why you would think this is a bad approach.
*Originally posted by backpack_joe *
For what reason does a person marry another?
Depends on the people, really. I married my first spouse to get insurance coverage; we’d been together for seven years prior to that and were together for several years thereafter.
**Do you want your children to have sex with people before they are married to that one unique person? **
Yes, as a matter of fact I would. Not indiscriminately, mind you, although it didn’t hurt me any. But then, who trusts their children to handle all of the stupid crap that they, themselves, did?
Do you seek to be completely honest with your spouse?
Yes.
It is a lot easier to talk about past relatinoships if they don’t involve sex.
For you, perhaps. I don’t have any problems talking about past relationships that involved sex with my partners. Possibly that’s because I don’t consider sex to be a ‘necessary evil’, as you evidently do.
**A married man has a much clearer concience when he doesn’t have memories of past lovers. **
No, you would/do have a clearer conscience. Don’t abstract your personal problems to everyone else, please.
A woman who can wait until marriage for sex is respectable and more trusted to control any possible desires for another man once married.
And, obviously, a woman who doesn’t is just a slut and/or a whore, never to be trusted, right? PUTZ! :rolleyes:
**Physical union feels good, but it feels right when a man and woman are married. **
Yeah, yeah, right. Move along, you’re blocking the sidewalk.
Minor addition to the above:
Yes, I would, provided that it was what they wanted to do. I would also encourage them to not have sex until they were ready. If that was after marriage, then so be it.
I haven’t seen the following take on this issue yet…
I have seen couples get married way too young because they were anxious to have sex and were tired of waiting. The following is hardly scientific evidence, but I find it noteworthy nonetheless.
Several years ago I became friends with a student at Wheaton College outside Chicago. For those of you unfamiliar with Wheaton, students there are required to sign an agreement that if they engage in drinking, dancing, or premarital sex, they can be expelled (My apologies to Wheaton grads if I am misrepresenting this pledge. Please correct me if I’m wrong.). We talked about the premarital sex thing. He was very religious and was set on waiting for marriage. He also said that he hoped his bride was wearing an easy access wedding dress, because he’d want to go at it in the limo leaving the church, since he couldn’t wait any longer. Very romantic.
He also stated that a lot of people got married while they were still in college–as early as freshman or sophomore year–because they were horny and tired of waiting. He estimated that over half of the students are married by graduation.
Again, strictly anecdotal, but worth mentioning.
MHM:
Ah, but how did these couples end up? Did it help or hurt their relationships that they made the commitment to a life together before spending a night together?
Chaim Mattis Keller
I used to say to myself that i would wait until marraige, but now, being 18 and headed off to college, its something that i really want to get out of the way.
Yes, virgin by “default” is how I refer to myself, since I really haven’t had the opportunity yet, having not been involved in anything serious.
HOWEVER…isn’t it an individual’s choice? If you want to have sex, go for it. If you don’t, why should you be branded a coward and a prude?
In my case, also, I’m working my way through school. With all of the responsibilities on my mind, the last thing I need to start worrying about is birth control and sex and all that. I have enough worries in my life.
Personally, I want to wait until I’m AT LEAST engaged, though it may change. Who knows? The point is, why should I have sex just for the sake of having sex, so that I’m experienced? Why shouldn’t I do it when I feel it’s right, rather than listen to others?
Isn’t that what it’s all about?
So, if it feels right to YOU to wait, do so. If you feel right doing it before you get married, or what have you, go for it. But not a one of us should try and make that decision for someone else. Nor should we rush one another. I’m only 22, I have a long way ahead of me in life. I don’t want to be hampered by a baby, or some disease, or anything.
I am not being preachy, and some people accuse me of it, so I admit, this is a sore spot for me. What the fuck? I’m simply saying, gee, I’m not ready to have sex. If you are, fine. But I’m not. And who really cares? It’s my business, not anyone else’s.
I’m not flaming anyone here, just speaking about society in general. It’s my life, and I’ll live it the way I want to.
Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong-Dennis Miller.
There are women who believe in post-marital sex?!
Drain, I’m sorry to hear about that. I think it is unfair of your mother to do that. Could you live with him and not tell her?
I co habited with my former husband for 6 months before we married. I knew we would marry and it felt like we were anyway.
And we had sex before marriage too.
Yes, I believe it was wrong, but it didn’t kill me and I didn’t feel condemned because of it.
My fiancee believes its wrong outside of marriage also(though we did “live together” for 2 months).
SO I will wait.
I have heard the story of the tap. If you stick a piece of tape to something, then pull it off, and go sticking it on other things, eventually, it will ahve lost its stickiness.
Therefore, you can’t bond properly with your final mate cause you’ve given yourself to too many others.
This is not a problem for me, as I was only “with” 5 guys.
Vanilla wrote:
Well, we didn’t really live alone together except for a few tempting days. Most of the time we were just living in separate bedrooms in the same house (my parents’ house) with other people. Nothing happened, thankfully, but we did get to know each other much better. But I wouldn’t recommend living together before marriage unless you’re not alone with each other. There were a few times when I was really tempted.
I thought I’d throw this into the mix. From FACTS ABOUT SINGLE PEOPLE
The numbers seem kind of high, and they don’t give a source.
vanilla, that has to be some of the most bizarre advice I’ve ever seen. You believe it was wrong, did it anyway, felt like you were married anyway (so why didn’t you get married to begin with) and are now suggesting that someone else do this as well? And you even suggest adding deception (of his/her mother) as well? How many relationships are you trying to poison at once? And as a data point to show the validity of your suggestion, you’re on your 2nd (at least) husband to boot? Sigh.
The biggest enemy to a long-term marriage is the idea that you can try it out for a while and break up if it doesn’t work. Marriage doesn’t work that way–ask anyone who’s been married for more than 25 years. You make marriage work. You change behaviors and ideas to make it work. You compromise. You go to counseling–whether it be general marital or sexual–if you need to. You sacrifice everything you can to make it work. Unless both people in a marriage give 100%, the marriage will most likely fail. Marriages are based on giving, not on “trying out.”
I’m a software engineer, and in my field there is something called “the halting problem.” Basically, everyone’s had an experience where his or her computer has locked up, and won’t return to normal until it’s been turned off and on again. The halting problem basically asks this question, “Before I actually try something, can I know if it will succeed or fail–or even stop eventually?” If you could know whether an operation would terminate, then you could always test it to see if it would terminate, and not execute it if it doesn’t–hence avoiding lockups. It would be nice if we could do that. However, it’s been logically proven that we can’t–that the only way to know what the computer will do is to execute the instructions.
A marriage is similar this way. You can try things out all you want, but you won’t know what it’s like or whether it will work until you try. In my case, I was able to determine that my wife and I made a good team, and were able to work through problems together. I felt very strongly that our marriage would work, as long as both of us continued to give 100%. We didn’t have sex until marriage, but we talked about it to some extent beforehand and figured out our expectations, etc. so that we were on the same page when we were married. We’re still here 4.5 years later, and though there have been ups and downs, I can’t imagine being with someone else. I also can’t imagine not making the effort to continue to make our companionship work.
emarkp wrote:
Well, as Vanilla’s fiance, I have to say in her defense that her first husband cheated on her many times, not the other way around, and he got AIDS and died. This was in no way Vanilla’s fault. She would probably still be with her first husband if he hadn’t died on her–she’s very loyal and supportive, and patient like you wouldn’t believe. 
Here’s my take on this… I’m a Christian who believes in no sex before marriage, and it makes sense. Why put yourself in a position to get/get someone pregnant, or to get an STD? The physical gratification of the moment? It’s not worth it in my book.
And also, how many people here can HONESTLY say that they wouldn’t mind if their SO slept with someone before? That the person you love and cherish has had sex with someone other than you before? Or maybe it happened with more than one person. Maybe two. Or three. Or ten. Would you mind that your SO has had sex with ten other people? If you don’t, the person you finally marry probably would. I figure that if I’m not gonna abstain for the fact I don’t wanna be a father or get a disease, I’ll save myself for my future wife.
I could say that. In fact, I find almost nothing desirable in the thought of having sex with a virgin.
Really, aside from the danger of STD’s and pregnancy (a danger avoidable if you’re not a moron about it, like having sex with a stranger in a parking lot with no protection), what’s the downside?
Most of the people against it are against it for moral reasons. That’s fine. The ‘common sense’ or ‘cautionary’ arguments come afterward.
Me, I’ve given up trying to convert people ot the ‘sex isn’t a holy or evil thing, it’s just a thing’ point of view.
Whatever floats your boat, eh?
Use protection. Not just the physical pleasure, how about because you find someone you feel really close to, even love, and you want to express that love sexually. Well then, why shouldn’t you? People who talk about saving themselves for marriage don’t seem to understand the idea of having a good relationship with someone you love, letting it end if it’s going to, and moving on. What’s so wrong with looking back on a good relationship and saying, well it ended, but it was good for both of us at the time. We do this with friendships.
No, I wouldn’t mind if my SO had sex with ten other people. I would enjoy the benefits of their experience, learning what they like and don’t like, and that they probably felt more comfortably sexually. And I wouldn’t get involved with someone who could look at any of my relationships as mistakes or bad things. I do not regret them, why should they? Anyhow, it’s never been a problem.
The only problem I had was having my first relationship be with someone who also had it as his first relationship. I really wish he had had experience to make up for my lack. I wouldn’t mind a virgin now (if I were available) although of course I would prefer someone who wasn’t one, but someone in the relationship should have some experience IMO.
Love does not have to be limited, and certainly not by a ceremony and a piece of paper.
He did.
It happened with at least 15 people. For me too. I don’t mind. He doesn’t mind.
I’ve said before, relating to another topic, that people cry, “it’s not all about sex!” when they’re defending their sexual position, and seem to change to “it IS all about sex” when they’re condemning someone else’s. My husband loves me for everything I am, including my sometimes-not-exactly-mainstream sexual proclivities, and I love him for everything HE is, including HIS not-exactly-mainstream sexual proclivities. We’re both disease-free, we even have to use protection with each OTHER right now (because even though I desperately love our three beautiful children I do NOT want any more), and we’ve been married for almost eight years.
If sexual activity is that important to you (generic “you”) then by all means, hold out for a virgin first and THEN start narrowing down the virgins you find to one with whom you are compatible. Me, I prefer to look at the whole personality.
I agree. I mean, if I meet a guy I adore and I find out he’s not a virgin, well, aside for safety and all that, I’m really not worried.
But for me, I’m not having sex because I don’t want to.
Why is that so bad?
Why should it be held against me? I am NOT being preachy, I just hate people thinking I’m some kind of dried up old prude!
(Not anyone here).
Guinistasia (I hope I spelled that right, I’m using lynx and can’t easily check), I don’t think anyone here thinks you’re doing anything wrong or is arguing against you. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have sex. If that’s what is right for you currently, then that is fine. I just think if you feel sex is right for you, then that is fine also.
I have practiced celibacy all of my life. Now, I am a virgin pervert, with nothing but sex on my mind.