Changing maiden name

In My Humble Opinion
61

I kept my maiden. And I’ve never had any “are those kids yours” issues (we did have one fairly minor ‘is that kid yours’ issue - but it was based on race at airport security, not on name - in addition to my son not having my last name, he is also Korean - he is, however, old enough to look at airport security drones and say “yeah, that’s my mother - I’m adopted - duh!”) I don’t care too much if I get addressed as Mrs. Brainiac4 - and I will use that at his work/social functions (the company Christmas party). If his distant relatives want to put that on the Christmas card, I’m not getting bent out of shape about it. Our circle of friends is small enough (and keeping your name isn’t unusual in that group) that most people keep it straight.

I did change it when I married the first time - its a pain in the ass to change your name. Then when I divorced - pain in the ass to change it again. So it is what it is.

I think your success at not changing with marriage is related to how willing you are to look at wedding invitations that come in the house addressed as if you’d changed your name and saying “oh, honey, look, a wedding invitation from your cousin Barbra” and not “this isn’t even addressed to ME!”

62

I took the Other Half’s last name. The reasons were many at the time… 1) I hated my own (from when my step-father legally adopted me) and my birth name wasn’t much better sounding, 2) I’d always dreamed of changing it, 3) I didn’t get along with my step-father then and 4) I’d never thought of doing anything else.

But eventually I became a feminist and close to my dad, so then I wished I’d hyphenated. I tried that for a bit, but it just seemed awkward and unweildy, plus I still didn’t like how my original name did not roll off the tongue. So I gave that up too and decided that I was still as much a feminist without it as I was with it and dad knows how much I love him (and never would care about such a thing anyway).

Last of all, the Other Half is great about whichever way I choose to go. He’d of been okay taking my name, me keeping it, us diverting to his grandparent’s, or hell, perhaps us even making one up just for ourselves. It’s just a non-issue with him. As I think it should be to other people about what one does with their name choices. :slight_smile:

63

yes, but am still confused. Its nice to hear about opinions on the issue but my question from the OP, for women, married women with families and maiden names intact have many experienced the problems I alluded to on the OP? I was surprised that she had (she is in London BTW) had the problems that I mentioned. It seems to have been brought up as well in a couple of articles I have read on the issue. So whats the real world senario?

64

When I was a senior in high school I decided to change my middle name to my mother’s maiden name. Oddly I was able to change all my school paperwork without needing a parent’s signature (at 17 & still living at home). I kinda forgot to tell my father and the first he heard about it was when my name was called at graduation :smack:. My mother narrowly averted a scene.

65

My wife took my name because she didn’t like hers very much. My daughter is a different story. When she got married, they wanted to have the same name, but she didn’t much like her husband’s. (He didn’t either.) The decided that them both taking my name would be insulting to his family. So, they came up with a totally new name and they both changed their names to it.

It does cause some problems. The first day of law school the professor called on him and it took him a while to figure out that it was referring to him. On the other hand, I’m writing a tutorial proposal with my daughter and it seems better to have two different names on it.

66

No issues - unless getting mail addressed wrong or occasionally getting called the wrong name is an issue. But that’s the deal - to some people those things ARE issues - its a little grating thing that every time it happens is one of those “gah! I wish this would stop!” things. And to some people it isn’t an issue.

67

Depends on the part of the real world you inhabit. For some people it’s a total non-issue, for others it’s a never-ending frustration of dealing with other people’s petty-minded bullshit. That’s what we’re trying to tell you.

Like I said, we’ve really not had much bureaucratic crap to put up with. We had to provide proof of marriage to get me on his insurance, I got some crap about naming him the beneficiary of my IRA. On a personal level, it’s a rather different issue.

I’ve been told by my own family that they know I don’t use his name, but they’re traditionalists and would call me by that name anyway. And persist in it even after I explained that it’s less a matter of me not using that name as it is a matter of that not being my damn name. I’ve had other people tell my husband that they don’t care what I call myself, they just want to know what my real name is. As Justin put it, you can smell the bile forming when they consider anyone doing anything but what they’ve chosen to do.

Other people are surrounded by people who think nothing of it, and it’s no big deal, aside from maybe some occasional mis-addressed mail.

68

In my case I was thinking “hey, his surname is really rare (we only know of 6 people in the world who have it, including him and his family), mine isn’t, we want our kids to have the same name as us, and if we double-barrel it it’d be far too long and have far too many k sounds in it”.

I have to admit, though, it’s taking some getting used too, and I wouldn’t have done it had not been for the circumstances outlined above.

69

I vote that your family aren’t so much traditionalists as they are rude. And some of the other people you interact with are dingbats. I’m ok with the people affected by the IRA or the health insurance wanting more confirmation of your relationship than they might if you’d taken your husband’s name*–but to suggest that your real name is anything other than what you introduce yourself as is baffling.

*It’s not fair, but life’s not fair.

70

Sorry, my comment could be taken as patronizing and I didn’t mean it that way - I wrote my post in a hurry. Let me rephrase: I fully acknowledge that people can do whatever they want regarding names. It is none of my business. Judging other people based on this choice would be a waste of time.

Now, that having been said, I do think I’m within my rights to express wonder at choices I don’t personally understand, just as you might see the way I decorated my house, find it not to your taste at all, and say to yourself, “my god, what was she THINKING?” I would hope, however, that you wouldn’t attack me because of your disagreement with my decor - and likewise, I never even bring the issue up with women whose choices are different than mine.

Have we gotten to this point? I don’t live in the US, so really cannot say. My impression is that, after a brief trend toward women not taking men’s names in the 1970s, the US has pretty much gone back to women taking their husband’s names.

If you think that the trend has shifted to the point where it is now unusual, I would love to see a cite. I’m not being snarky, this is an honest question.

71

When I was first married, I hyphenated our two last names. I quickly tired of that, because our two names, together, totalled 21 letters (plus 3 spaces and the hyphen) and 7 syllables. It didn’t fit on any official forms and was a pain to sign. I quickly returned to my original name.

My husband’s name is 14 letters long, plus a space, is difficult to pronounce and spell, and because I’m not a huge fan of his parents, I don’t want to share their name. Besides, my name is a lot simpler.

Our son has both our names, but uses his father’s as his surname, and mine as a middle name. A hyphenated name was an impractical choice, and wasn’t really an option.

Now that you have the background, on to the ‘real-world scenario’: It has not really been all that difficult. It’s useful when people call and ask to speak to ‘Mrs. Husband’s Last Name’, as I can immediately identify them as a telemarketer, and I can respond with all honesty that she’s not here.

At school, it’s been a bit mixed. My son’s elementary school was a fine arts program that included a lot of less-conservative teachers and families. There were lots of ‘Ms.’ instead of ‘Miss’ or ‘Mrs.’, and a number of married women who’d kept their own names, so I fit in. When I volunteered (which included chairing the School Council) a couple of people, including students, called me by my son’s last name, but I gently corrected them and moved on.

Since moving to junior high, it’s been more of an issue. The new school is full of more traditional Catholics who seem a little shocked that my name is different than my son’s, and it took almost the entire grade seven year before the staff called me by my correct name. They did eventually catch on.

There have been a few little issues, such as when I travel with just my son, but having different names is a common enough occurrence that it is easily explained. The only major problem I have is that my in-laws persist in writing to me as Spoike Husband’s Last Name. I’ve been married for 15 years, and they’ve been told my correct name, so I assume they’re intentionally being rude, but as that is par for the course, I don’t allow it to affect me (much).

Basically it just hasn’t been that big a deal for me, even in rather conservative Calgary.

My apologies for writing such a long post!

72

I insinuate nothing. I merely point out a historical reality and say that because of my last name this history is especially meaningful for me and has therefore served as a lens through which I view this issue. I respectfully disagree that this is “ridiculous.”

(Sorry for coming back to this instead of handling it all in one post - I’m fitting my SDMB addiction in between real-life responsibilities).

73

I use both and either. My maiden name is with-a-d-and-no-s so it’s always been a bit tedious. I always have to spell out my first name as it is. My mother can’t quite get to grips with me not doing what she wanted and keeping my fathers name … despite all the bad stuff so I’ll still get things addressed to the with-a-d-and-no-ess thing. Mum, it’s been nearly 20 years now. The married name is a common or garden type name - yeah!

The bank can’t cope with two last names and hypenated them. I recently got them to take out the hyphen and now they think with-a-d-and-no-ess is a middle name. Whatever, as long as I can cash a cheque in either.

I can’t get a decent signature from my married name - so my signature is that of my maiden name whichever name I am using. My kid has carries my name on her birth cert (we wern’t married then) but has always been known by her dad’s name. I’ve just changed her name by deed poll to his name.

English law says you can use any name you want as long as there is no intent to defraud.

74

Well, then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. Respectfully, of course. :slight_smile:

75

My husband and I seriously considered changing both our names when we got married. I didn’t like my surname and he figured why should he keep his father’s name when his father buggered off and left him? Unfortunately, MIL got in on the act and screamed at us that “when a woman gets married she takes the man’s name and that’s the end of it!”. If I had known her better then (actually, if I had known her better, I wouldn’t have married him), that would have clinched it for me. I did end up changing my name to his but I still regret not having changed both our names. My one consolation is that even if we had both changed our names, it would not have stopped the mail from her and her loathsome family being addressed as “Mrs (husband’s initial) Surname” - when they all know that I am not a “Mrs” and I have my own first name and they have all been tactfully advised of my preferred title, many times.

76

I’d be inclined to change it. But on a purely superficial note, I wouldn’t change it if I didn’t like the way it sounded. My current bf (not being presumptuous-we are at the some day most likely but don’t need to rush it stage)…without question. He has a kickass name-it literally translates to “Eagle”. But Ramasubramaniam or Snortland or something? NO.

77

Darn it all, kathmandu, your response is simply unsatisfying! Can we agree to disagree after you explain to me why it is “ridiculous” for me to be influenced by a historical fact that has come up in my personal life on a number of occasions?

Let me be clear, I am not stating (and never intended to) that “when a woman takes a man’s name, it is tantamount to her becoming his property.” Yes, in 2008 that claim would be absurd. If all you are claiming is that such a statement would be ridiculous, we agree.

So, what do you actually think is ridiculous? (a) the silly claim in the previous paragraph; or (b) because I bear a “slave name,” I am attuned to symbolism behind surname practices that others might find unimportant, and make a personal choice accordingly?

We’re done if it’s (a). If it is (b) - I implore you, defend your position, fellow Doper!

ETA: I’m having a hard time being clear today. I “bear a slave name” in the sense that African Americans with the same surname can say they have a slave name. I don’t mean I got my name from someone who owned my ancestors.

78

I took my husband’s surname when we married, dropped it when we divorced. I hate hyphenated names so that was never an option. I wanted all the members of our little family to have the same surname (as we were intending to have kids), and I had no problem with it being traditional that it’s the man’s surname that used. Frankly, I like traditions where everyone knows “the rules” and there’s no confusion over who is called what and why.

My daughter’s father didn’t want to acknowledge her, so she has my surname. That bothers me, and I feel like she ought to have his name and I would support her if she ever wanted to change it herself. I just think of a surname as the name of your father’s family. It sure makes genealogy easier if you can rely on a set of predictable conventions with regards to names.

79

I wouldn’t change my name. My surname, regardless of it being my father’s name and therefore a male name, is representative of my heritage and my ethnicity. I wouldn’t just throw it off for something else.

Although I would like to refer to myself in the Spanish style, just because it would be cool: Pyper Middlename DadName Momname. It wouldn’t work out, though. Everyone would just call me Pyper Momname, when my legal name is actually Pyper Dadname.

80

For about the first eight year of my marriage MY PARENTS would forget and address things to me with his last name. They really aren’t rude people - it just never stuck with them that I kept THEIR name. They aren’t even traditionalists. For eight years I’d give them a bad time “oh, you forgot how to spell your last name again.” Eventually, the data stuck and I haven’t had issues for the past several.

(You do have to know my mother, who is the keeper of data and has a mind for names like a steel sieve. In fact, they managed to name ME wrong - my mother named me the same thing as her girlfriend’s daughter, but her name and my name aren’t the same - although my mother insists that they are (Kristine and Christina). I consider myself lucky that my parents manage to call my kids by the right name. My sister still gets my daughter’s name misspelled - it runs in the family - a lack of importance placed on names - which is perhaps why I don’t care too much when my name is wrong - as long as I’m not being called “Hey, Bitch.”)