Cheese Wheels, Dolphins, and FlabbyGirl Scouts: An E-mail Journey Into the Surreal

[Polycarp]

Those of us with less-than-perfect spam filters have of course been subjected to offers to increase our penis size, to sell us Viagra and Cialis, and to tout various debatable stocks – not, of course, to mention the official correspondence of the former finance minister of Nigeria.

Of late, excerpts from a wide variety of texts, online and otherwise, have been used by the industrious spammers in an effort to defeat spam filters and get their urgent messages through. Some of the ones I’ve recieved have been bizarre, particularly the one that appears to have rammed together an excerpt from a software promotion website and one from an erotic story.

But today’s selection, which appears to have been generated as one piece by an insane AI rather than the usual odd portmanteauings, is perhaps the most surreal I’ve ever seen:

@HAL 9000's grandfather?

A chain saw

Most people believe that the cheese wheel satiates an abstraction living with a senator, but they need to remember how carelessly the fat scythe returns home. If the carpet tack living with an earring negotiates a prenuptial agreement with the bowling ball, then a tripod for a tape recorder ceases to exist. A parking lot avoids contact with a flabby girl scout. When a submarine for the fighter pilot is knowingly Alaskan, a vacuum cleaner pees on a football team for some mating ritual. If a statesmanlike briar patch underhandedly avoids contact with the dolphin, then the proverbial dolphin reads a magazine. A defendant beyond another grain of sand is worldly. The mitochondrial power drill wisely competes with the usually highly paid globule. The skyscraper of the bartender flies into a rage, because a precise girl scout throws a phony chestnut at a spider. Indeed, a girl scout near the recliner laughs and drinks all night with the girl scout related to a fairy.
A chestnut
A chain saw

It’s in aid of a stock promotion, though it doesn’t seem to bear any relationship to the company.

Hello, Dali! It’s so nice to have you back and writing prose!

[Omegaman]

Those Nigerians are on me like a cheap suit . If at first you don’t succeed , try , try again.

[Duke_of_Rat]

That reminds me of the faulty translation machine in “Mars Attacks!”.

What’s even stranger is sometimes spammers will have links to blogs, and that’s all it will be, jibberish just like what you posted. I don’t understand spam.

[Sage_Rat]

“The proverbial dolphin”

That’s going in a conversation sometime this week.

[ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies]

Has Mad Libs™ gotten into the hashbusting business?

[elelle]

Brownie points to the mis-employed Artist, here. It has a certain creme above the usual boilerplate, and a beat you can dance to.

Especial props to :“The mitochondrial power drill wisely competes with the usually highly paid globule.”

Can you reply to these folks if only to say ya noticed the better end of garbled prose?

[TheOnlySaneOne]

I got this the other day, and just had to keep it:

Any vacuum cleaner can non-chalantly make love to a chain saw around an eggplant, but it takes a real mastadon to teach a temporal roller coaster. A bowling ball inside the tape recorder hesitates, and a smelly apartment building feels nagging remorse; however, the feverishly cosmopolitan avocado pit brainwashes the fashionable bowling ball. A blithe spirit over the blithe spirit is hairy. Furthermore, the plaintiff living with a demon earns frequent flier miles, and a tripod of the defendant inexorably brainwashes the bowling ball over an oil filter. If the senator gives a pink slip to a Eurasian fundraiser, then a rattlesnake from a carpet tack hesitates.

Some pickup truck inside the grand piano procrastinates, and a chess board for a buzzard hesitates; however, a mean-spirited jersey cow eagerly trades baseball cards with the briar patch. For example, the particle accelerator indicates that a bowling ball figures out the most difficult fruit cake. Most people believe that a turkey completely secretly admires a stoic blood clot, but they need to remember how knowingly the turn signal defined by an apartment building beams with joy. When a tabloid is gentle, the outer globule tries to seduce the inferiority complex. A grand piano around the ski lodge feels nagging remorse, but a satellite secretly admires an asteroid inside an ocean. Most people believe that a grain of sand defined by the power drill laughs and drinks all night with a nearest freight train, but they need to remember how accurately another spartan reactor procrastinates. If a parking lot carelessly requires assistance from the feline bottle of beer, then a defendant around a minivan daydreams. A jersey cow about a corporation is resplendent. Any parking lot can secretly admire a photon inside the fundraiser, but it takes a real class action suit to derive perverse satisfaction from the annoying paper napkin.
Most people believe that a grain of sand defined by the power drill laughs and drinks all night with a nearest freight train, but they need to remember how accurately another spartan reactor procrastinates. If a parking lot carelessly requires assistance from the feline bottle of beer, then a defendant around a minivan daydreams. A jersey cow about a corporation is resplendent. Any parking lot can secretly admire a photon inside the fundraiser, but it takes a real class action suit to derive perverse satisfaction from the annoying paper napkin.
An unstable nation

[freckafree]

I think it’s a sign that the End Times are upon us. How else could you explain these shocking references, in two unrelated e-mails, to vacuum cleaners?

Any vacuum cleaner can non-chalantly make love to a chain saw

a vacuum cleaner pees on a football team for some mating ritual.

At least the first one doesn’t reference a dead chain saw. Oh, wait. That’s another thread…

[Snowcarpet]

I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails that have a random, two word subject line. Today’s recent offering was “Loathsome N-word”, with actual n-word. Oh great, my spammers are now racist louts, just what the world needs! (runs screaming in terror)

[Spoons]

Is it just me, or would anybody else like to hear somebody with a beautiful speaking voice–say, James Earl Jones–read Polycarp’s original spam? I think if I was to hear such a voice read such a thing, I’d think it was some deep philosophical prose.

As it is, written on the page, it’s just weird.

[eleanorigby]

@TheOnlySaneOne

I got this the other day, and just had to keep it:

Lewis Carroll lives!

[Hockey_Monkey]

The spammers keep sending me stuff to increase my penis size.

:::sniff sniff:::wishing she had a penis to enlarge:::