Dan Savage had a great column on this very topic a few weeks ago. A guy was in much the same situation as the OP - a nice guy who couldn’t get girls, and who went so far as to learn to cook, and learned to like Madonna and shopping.
Dan’s response was basically: if a girl wanted a pussy, she’d go muff-diving, goddammit. Girls like guys who are different than them, that have a bit of an edge that they can tone down. We ladies also can’t stand men who are whiny, needy, insecure, and generally reek of Eau de I-need-a-woman. Jesus, build up your confidence! Find something you’re good at and strike up conversations with women and mention it. And if you sit around complaining that you don’t have a woman, trust me, you won’t get one. Would you be attracted to a girl that did that?
tsarina, who has too many insecure guy friends that are always whining that they’re single and is sick of it!
Anyway, while I think you do have a point, there are many insecure girls out there that don’t mind insecure guys so much. The monkey wrench is that it is unlikely that these two insecure people will find each other.
But the whining thing is spot on for just about every girl I know. Don’t whine.
Let’s look at both sides of the coin. All of you women out there without boyfriends–has it ever occurred to you that you might have some unattractive qualities? Surely you don’t believe the problem is due solely to the shortcomings of the men in your lives?
Whenever I hear someone complaining about his/her lack of male/female companionship, the first thought that crosses my mind is: Maybe you think you’re too good for the men/women who are actually available to you. Not a very charitable thought, maybe, but don’t we all know a 5 or a 6 who thinks he/she deserves a 10?
Ah yes, the “whining”. I was hoping someone would mention that.
I’ve noticed that virtually any time a man mentions something in his life that’s less than perfect, even if he speaks in a normal tone of voice, he’s automatically derided, usually by his SO, as a whiner. Sure no one wants to be around someone who’s constantly negative and complaining. I grant that. But there’s no reason men aren’t entitled to have legitimate gripes, too.
Jesus, javaman, bitter much? Just because her whiny friends are male doesn’t mean she only calls them whiny because they’re male. I bet she has plenty of whiny female friends as well, I know I do. My whiny female friends complain about not being able to find good men (as well as just about everything else), most of my male friends do not whine about such things to me. (even the ones who would have a good excuse to.) My friends ratio is about 1:1 for gender dispersion (not all the women are whiny, but pretty much none of the men are. However, I tend to be a whiny person )
Come to think of it, the way most people use the word whining these days, it seems to be more or less the same thing as complain or gripe or grumble. But for me the word also implies a plaintive, childish, vocal delivery, and that’s why I found it offensive. I wouldn’t say someone was whining unless they actually spoke with that hurt, plaintive tone, like Kelsey Grammer does on nearly every episode of Frasier. But that’s just how I use the word.
I don’t believe that I whine very much, and I don’t believe that what a lot of people call “whining” actually is whining. I agree with you guys on that.
The only reason I said, “Don’t whine” is because in one of my worst breakups the girl said she dumped me because I had become such a “whiner.” So, on second thought, whine to her; if she stays, then she’s probably the one.
Well, if spooje is talking to me, not the op (although this may still be relevant either way) a friend who whines but is still loyal and someone you can depend on is still a better friend than someone who borrows money and doesn’t return it, trashes your car, fucks your boyfriend, steals your job and stabs you in the back.
In short, being whiny doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend, it can just be irritating at times. Who’s perfect? Not me.
I stay friends with them because they’re good people and fun to hang out with. (Isn’t that why anyone remains friends with someone?) I just wish they could get a little confidence and not be a) shy or b) setting the bar too high with women. And no, they don’t actually use that Frasier-esque whine.
And, sorry, CrazyDiamond, I have a honey.
tsarina, who isn’t at all surprised that a thread she posted by accident has gotten more repies than a lot of her intentional threads.
Hmm. So if a person complains a lot, often in a ‘poor me, why me’ tone of voice, and you realize that, but still love them because they are a good person and a good friend to you, you don’t respect them? I’m sorry, but I look on this as a realistic view of people. Also, like tsarina, I wish they would perhaps get a bit of confidence about themselves, and do my best to help them BE more confident.
Do you see all criticism as disrespectful?
I seriously am a bit baffled by this.
Perhaps then, I actually respect noone. I’ve never met a person who was entirely immune to criticism.
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