A - the birthday girl, self conscious
K - A’s best friend since childhood
S - a friend of K, but not A. S started going out with one of K’s better friends recently, so she is kind of new to the group.
K planned a night out in Montreal for A’s birthday, and is bringing her friends (including S) and people who she knows will make the night fun. A recently found out about who S is, and is worried that because S is very pretty she will steal the attention away from her on her birthday, so she doesn’t want S to come.
It is a very childish situation I know, these girls are 21+. K and S, among others are going to split from the rest once they get there and do their own thing instead of not bringing S who was informed long ago that she could come.
How can we convince A how crazy she is being, and how would you approach this situation? Im lost, it is too childish for me to comprehend.
So far I suggested just telling A she is pretty enough and S isnt going to “steal attention” (which is true) and A’s reply was “its my birthday I can do what i want”
My next idea is to just say “look, your birthday isnt ONLY about you, everyone is going with the intent of making you have a good birthday and to deny somebody that is incredibly rude, especially after this has been hyped up for so long to them as a new person in the group.”
Opinions? I dont talk to A directly (unless I get pissed off enough about this) so I am going off what K relays to me.
In an ideal world, A wouldn’t feel threatened by S, but she is. If it’s a birthday party for A, I don’t know why K would invite anyone that would make A uncomfortable. If this was a “let’s get together” party, not to honor A, then I think you would have a point.
Think of it this way: if everyone knew that A didn’t like chocolate, what would you think if K ordered a chocolate cake for A’s birthday party?
Please use names instead of letters for your next hypothetical, I can’t follow letters.
Is this her birthday party, or is it just a party where they also happen to be celebrating a birthday? If the former, a really good friend would realize that this is a birthday celebration for the birthday girl and adhere to the birthday girl’s wish not to have whoever present. IMO, if the birthday girl is uncomfortable with the new person coming along, FOR WHATEVER REASON, then they should not be invited (or if an oversight was made during the invitation process, they should be uninvited later). Failure to adhere to the birthday girl’s wishes, on her birthday,* at her birthday party, *is grounds for birthday girl to end the friendship with the clueless over-inviter.
It’s one thing if this were a surprise party and the birthday girl didn’t have time to clear invitees in advance (and if the inviter didn’t realize for some reason that her best friend didn’t like the other person). But it’s not a surprise, and she has expressed her dislike for one of the invitees. Continuing to insist on bringing along someone the birthday girl doesn’t get along with is really, really shitty and selfish.
Gah, I would take my leave of the whole thing and find something else to do that night. It sounds like these people want maximum drama. If you want drama, you will get drama and there isn’t a damn thing that saner heads can do to prevent it.
There is probably more going on between (A)nastasia and (S)tella than you know, and honestly you probably don’t want to know. You aren’t going to be able to clean this up or prevent it from exploding. I just give them all a wide berth. Show up in time for cake, plan to meet up with some friends later before everyone gets drunk, and let them go through whatever ridiculous childish drama they need to on their own.
What are they doing? Hanging out at someone’s home and watching chick flicks? Then A might have a point if S tends to be someone who steals the limelight (although simply being pretty isn’t likely to do that; what’s S’s personality like?)
If the plan is to hit Crescent or the Main and party it up in clubs and bars and get hit on by cute guys, then, frankly, A is being a drama queen because this city is full of gorgeous girls that will be drawing all kinds of attention to themselves and A will probably not be the centre of attention anyways.
Is A willing to lose her friendship with K over S? Have K tell S that A is insecure and needs to feel special on her birthday, and if S has any sense she’ll make a bit of extra effort in that regard. She can’t help it if she’s pretty, but perhaps she can wear the mini skirt instead of the ultra-mini or something.
I appreciate these opinions guys, thanks.
S(tella) is a pretty normal girl, not very attention grabbing. She can definitely add humour and fun to the night though, which is why she was invited. I believe they are going to bars/clubs at night.
K and S(tella), are good friends and they do things together when possible. A(nastasia) has never turned down K inviting people for her before, this is the first time it has ever happened. K invited S(tella) under the assumption that S(tella) was no different than any other friend she ever brought (which is true).
The event is in Montreal (5 hours from here), and is supposed to be a girls weekend, with A(nastasia)'s birthday the focus of one day/night. While the girls are in Montreal the guys are going to Kingston for our own thing (so regardless it isnt directly my problem in the end). It is a multi-car trip with essentially an extended circle of friends all going.
I think the distinction in the top paragraph of this post might change some opinions, though the point remains that it IS A(nastasia)'s choice.
Do you think K is wrong by not attending (the whole thing) instead of not bringing her friend? Ill tell her what you guys say, I dont know either way.
I was also talking to K a bit more, and my theory is that A(nastasia) is very self conscious (always has had issues, some serious problems in her life) and is unhappy with her current relationship and wants to go out and get guys attention because she cant get that kind from her daily life. This is the one day she will be able to get it while staying with her BF.
I think this trumps pleasing some of her friends (even if that friend is her best) because relationships are something she has always struggled in/with.
While she is a free person and can do whatever she wants with her time, she does not automatically get to boss everyone else around just because it’s her birthday.
I think that A is acting like a petty little spoiled brat. If I were S and this situation was explained to me, I’d be delighted to graciously find my calendar full on the day in question and go do something fun… where I’d both be welcome and enjoy myself. Who wants to celebrate the birthday of some petty, spoiled, childish barely-a-friend? If K is open, honest, and apologetic (“I spoke too soon, so sorry!”) then the only one who comes off looking like an asshole here is A. If I were K, this would be the last bash I planned for this girl, without a heartfelt “it’s long past time you grew up” conversation.
Now K might also take the opposite approach and be open and honest with A, let her know how rude it would be to uninvite S simply because A felt threatened by her. That might give A the chance to acknowledge that she’s being a twit. If she doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, then I think simply telling S where A’s head is at should be enough for the situation to solve itself.
But I don’t get A either, so I could be way off. My attitude is “Great, the more the merrier!” in regard to birthdays, and I’ve never been uptight about someone else being prettier than me. There’s always someone who is stronger, better, smarter, faster, prettier than you. The sooner you grow up and learn how to deal with that and accept that you are not a perfect, unique snowflake, the more functional you’ll be in society.
Actually, if these were my friends, I’d blow off the entire event and start hanging out with other friends. That’s way too much drama for me.
I can certainly understand why K would want to bow out of the whole thing, and I don’t think that would be wrong. Anastasia is in the wrong here, because you don’t dis-invite people to events. You just don’t. If she’s going to do that, then she has no right to complain when other people don’t like it and decide not to attend her exclusive little party.
If I were K (or S for that matter), I’d be giving serious thought to whether I wanted to continue hanging out with A. There would be a distinct cooling of relations.
I don’t think I quite understand how having had a rough time allows one to be rude and awful to others. Everybody’s having a rough time these days; maybe we should be nicer to each other?
I’m not really getting why Stella was invited in the first place. Near as I can tell, she and Anastasia aren’t friends–it doesn’t even sound like they know each other. Actually, it doesn’t even sound like Stella and Katrina are friends, but rather that she has recently started dating one of Katrina’s friends (who isn’t necessarily friends with Anastasia, either.) Why would anyone automatically assume someone would want a friend of a friend’s new girlfriend at their birthday?
Yeah, Anastasia needs to not be so petty–but Katrina needs to grow up and figure out that when you plan a party for someone, you invite that person’s friends, not your own.
I mean she was …sexually assaulted, to put it politely… at a point and has struggled with relationships her whole life (presumably) because of it. I(we) see this issue as an extension of that issue so we are giving her more consideration than we would give others. I didnt want to mention that, because I didnt see a point but given my position:
I feel it might be relevant
I dont know whats going on in her mind, but I know it is messed up and I(we) dont want to blame her because of it. I understand it is a stupid position and some people wouldnt give as much as a second thought to it, but I feel she deserves more.
Am I reading too much into this? Ill probably stop posting now and just read comments…
I’ve been taking a class over the last few weeks, and one of the students is really disruptive and emotional. During the last couple of classes she had emotional outbursts. She’s made it clear that she had it super rough growing up, and I guess she thinks that the class is her own personal therapy session.
I think that everyone else in the group understands that the best thing to do would be to let her have her little tantrums and let them pass for what they are. To try to stand up to her or put her in her place would just make things far worse. Nobody wants that.
By Stella? Otherwise what does that matter? Anastasia can have issues her whole life if she has to but she shouldn’t get away with being a bitch to Stella because of them.
I think it would be acceptable to uninvite someone if it was *just *the birthday party being celebrated–it’s more acceptable to uninvite someone invited hastily or unthinkingly than it is to ruin someone else’s birthday. However, this situation sounds more like an all-weekend party, that the birthday is just a part of. Tell A she can either suck it up and come, or stay home. You’ll all be having fun regardless of her presence.
Lesson learned for the future, at least. Don’t make guest lists for her birthday parties without running ALL the attendees by her first. Also, strongly consider the drama quotient of the friendship moving forward. Is it worth it to you to maintain a friendship with someone who is so high-maintenance?
A’s only problem with S is that she’s pretty? This smacks of a self-esteem problem that can’t be solved by her birthday. Is she going to go through life avoiding people who are prettier/richer/thinner/whatever than she is? Can she only feel good about herself if she’s surrounded by people who are, in her opinion, inferior? I understand her birthday is her “special” day, so maybe she should really make it special by realizing that her own self-worth has nothing to do with these childish comparisons.