COLLBRAN, Colo. (AP) – First there was Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after having its head lopped off with an ax. Now, western Colorado has a new chicken survival story, this one involving a man who claims he saved his fowl by giving it mouth-to-beak resuscitation. Uegene Safken says one of the chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died. Safken said he first swung the chicken by the feet to revive it. When that failed, he continued swinging and blowing into its beak. “Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response,” Safken said. The chicken’s beak opened a little wider, and Safken started yelling at it: "You’re too young to die! “Every time I’d yell at him, he’d chirp,” Safken said.
Makes ya kinda wish that “Rescue 911” or one of those other reality medical shows would do a segment of Chicken CPR don’t it.
I’m gonna have the giggles over this the rest of the day.
Did he also yell “Not on my watch!”?
Too funny!
It reminds me of the time I made my mom give my pet hamster CPR. Our first hamster, Max, died tragically, so I was a bit traumatized to begin with (he escaped and was caught by our cat–I didn’t see the aftermath, but of course my brothers told me about it in graphic detail). So we got another hamster to replace Max, but we made the mistake of keeping it in an aquarium. It did just fine, until someone put a blanket over the aquarium, and the poor hamster didn’t have any oxygen. I don’t remember who noticed it first, but when we got to it, the poor thing was nearly dead. I was freaking out, and the only thing I could think of to do was give it CPR. Of course, that’s Mom’s job. She actually ended up putting a piece of cloth over the hamster’s mouth and gently breathing in a vain effort to revive it. It died anyway, but at least we tried.
The funny thing is, I asked my mom if she remember this, and she’s totally blanked it out of her memory. Poor Mom!
collapses in giggles
"Chicken ER! is brought to you tonight by KFC . . . "
4H Student: “What should we do if our barnyard fowl stops breathing?”
Instructor: “Well, just grab it by its feet and swing it around awhile. That almost always works, so I don’t need to go into this any further.”
That bit does confuse me a bit. How can you swing a chicken around by its feet while simultaneously blowing into its beak? Without getting so dizzy you fall over and squish it?
“You’re too young to die! We didn’t plan on eating you until next week!”
I don’t get it. He’s got a dead chicken, sufficient water to cover, and he goes and clucks it up. Some people.
Anyhow, I’d like to elevate the tone of the discussion by cribbing from a pamphlet I saw recently by the Near Death Experience Society (motto: “Bungee-jumping’s for wimps”) titled NDEs and Poultry: The Bantam Menace:
"Several recent reports of NDEs in domestic chickens have heartened serious paranormal researchers, open-minded New Age enthusiasts, and the guy who mumbles to himself in the corner of our lobby, by suggesting that debunkers’ purported ‘explanations’ of the phenomenon are grossly (as in twelve dozens’ worth) inadequate. The proposition that hallucinogenic drugs are responsible is now untenable as such use in poultry is vanishingly small, with only one anecdotal case in support (see Henny Penny, op. cit.). The more trendy skeptical guess is that the common vision of approaching a white light is the result of random neuronal firing in the cortex (Blackmore, 1993). This view has been eagerly savaged by NDE proponents who point out that they barely have a cortex worthy of the name. Er, the chickens, we mean (Tyson v. PETA, 2001). Of some concern is the counter-argument that the existence of NDEs in poultry renders the spiritual element of these events meaningless, as it is well-known that ‘Turkey ain’t got no religion’ (Blind Lemon Jefferson, unreleased, 1925). NDE scientists correctly answer this by stating that simply because chickens do not participate in human religious or church-type activities (the occasional picnic notwithstanding) is no reason to suppose a complete lack of spirituality. They postulate a chicken cosmology that would interpret NDEs as a ‘return to the Cosmic Egg’ (Pradeepa and Healy, 1997*).
"Of much more concern, now that the arguments against NDEs in poultry have been safely dismissed for all time (what a relief!), is the potential for evil supernatural influences on barnyard fowl. It has been reported that more than 15% of NDEs among humans are not voyages toward Heaven but descents into Hell (Rawlings, 1991, Blackmore, 2004). Morse (1992) and Brinkley (1994) both report a minority of experiencers ‘returning’ with new paranormal capacities, including ESP, psychokinesis, and the ability to claim to have foreseen two years ago something that occurred only last year. These men claim that the recipients in their study are deriving their unearthly abilities from the ‘good’ source (Guinness, 1977), but there is no theoretical objection to chickens being imbued with powers from the dark and maleficient underworld. Military applications have been hypothesized, but the Pentagon’s most highly-guarded secret may be that no one has yet succeeded in securing loyal military service from a chicken (Bush, Cheney, et. al.)!
“Summary: AAAGH!!! EVIL DEMON-CHICKENS FROM BEYOND DEATH’S DOOR!!!”
*Cited in Journal of the Way Too Obscure.
Who knew that blowing cocks could save lives?
Daniel
. . . You’re just asking for lekatt to show up, ya big cluck . . .
I hope this scene is included in the all-chicken remake of James Cameron’s The Abyss.
Yeah, I suppose. I was tempted to work the name into a footnote, but thought better of it. Guess I should have gone with the Lovecraft parody, huh? And thanks again for providing the funniest topics on the planet.