Christian spam, why God hates me, TEEN AGE SEX VIXENS and my huge penis!

Suddenly one of my “secret” e-mail accounts has gotten a ton of spam.

First I get a glurgy “Jesus luvs eew!” message. I got to the part where a lamb saw a rainbow after a thunderstorm and fell into a diabetic coma,

Then I get three normal porno spams. (“Erection Creme makes your penis bigger”, “Live Sex Kittens” and “Free PORN! FREE MOVIES!” paraphrased). That helped me recover a bit.

Then I get an anti-avertisement for a book on Cavinism (no Hobbsism though) in FORTY POINT TYPE about doctrine so esoteric to me that I nearly slipped into another coma trying to read it. But it has to do with the fact that the author thinks Calvinism sux. Or that Calvinism is swell, but the book’s interpretation of it sucks. Either way, God thinks I’m just swell, apparenty, but apparently the book that the reviewer’s against says that God hates me. Imagine my surprise.

Then I get another anti-book message with 15 billion e-mail addresses tacked onto the end saying Tim LaHay thinks the book sucks (I think). (Isn’t Tim LaHay the doof who’s extruding the** Left Behind** book-like product? Why would anyone care what he thinks? )

Y’know, as spam goes, this is terrible. I’m supposed to hate book and they haven’t made me care enough to finish reading their spam. A sample paragraph:

Really…where’s the heart? How could this better hold my interest? By descending to the gutter, of course!

“See”, thinks I “This could easily be improved by combining it with porn-spam and making biblical porn spam!”

Watch:

C’mon. You gotta admit that my version was better.

Fenris

“Jesus loves eew?” Doesn’t that tie in with the staff report on farts?

Yeah, I got that stuff too, sans the penile poultice and porn propaganda.

And seeing I almost NEVER get spam of any description, what are the chances that the addies have come via this board d’ya reckon?

“Jesus luvs eew” - bad spelling, blasphemy, and beastiality all in one.

BTW, Fenris, judging by your sample work, you have a promising career as an e-mail spam writer.

Throbbing Ninja Dick.

I started laughing at that like, ten minutes ago. I can just now manage to type again. Thank you.

A throbbing ninja dick? Is that for stealth fucking?

I got the two Calvinism spams as well. And the first one hangs my Outlook when I open it, too. Well, God probably foreordained my Outlook hanging from the beginning of time, so I guess I better not worry about it.

OH quit complaining. Calvinism spam doesn’t sound nearly as bad as all the virus attachments I’ve been getting. A couple of times I was tricked into opening the e-mail-but of course I didn’t download or run the attachment.

sigh

I’ll trade you?

God Fenris, that is really great. Reminds me of Dave Barry in his funny years!

Oh, and Fenris-I submitted your change around thingy to the Teeming Millions Classic Posts thing. That ROCKED!

Band Name!

Dave Barry had funny years? What alternate timeline are you from red_dragon60?

“Teeming Millions Classic Posts thing”? Wha? (Or do you mean Threadspotting, in which case I do know what you mean! :slight_smile: )

BTW: Gaudere and Kambucta: I didn’t get it on my SDMB e-mail account. I registered for the Pizza Parlor at one point and may have accidentally used that account.

Everyone else: Thanks!

Fenris

That Throbbing Ninja Dick sounds useful; I’ll bet they never see you coming.

Damn. All I get is spam for finacial loans, legal advice, mortage crap. I’ve yet to see giraffe porn or 9 year old girls swallowing dicks. Of course, my alternate email address gets this stuff in spades.

Oh, and Dave Barry had a unfunny year?

Fenris,

God may not love you, but I do! :smiley:

Thanks for yet another hilarious post! :slight_smile:

Throbbing Ninja Dick?

That’s some Real Ultimate Power you’ve got there.

I get penis enlargement and human growth hormone spam at work.

I’m a girl.

:rolleyes:

The mere notion of Hobbesian spam lets me go off on a tangent of thinking of tiresome philosophical spam. I mean, Thomas Hobbes would be dreary enough., but what of the major weapon that is Kantian spam? :slight_smile:

So?? see, you could grow your own and then not have to worry about dating…