I nearly put this in the pit, but as I was constructing what I wanted to say I realized that the anger I had been feeling had been replaced by sadness. I spent the week surrounding christmas at home with my family in Ohio and the charade of ‘happy family’ overlaying the truth has been breaking my heart. We’ve always presented the picture of the perfect little conservative christian homeschooling family to everyone, including ourselves.
I found out a couple months ago that because of several issues that I will not go into here my mom asked my dad to move out. He did so, but apparently has been staying there again since her surgery (aortal aneurysm replacement) last month. No one at home is happy with that, but at the same time won’t say anything. Partially because mom is still recovering, which is understandable but also largely because we NEVER EVER talk about big issues. My sister is ready to cut him out of her life completely and really thinks they should just get divorced. A divorce will likely never happen, but I don’t think they will ever have a real marriage again.
The one I really feel bad for is my little brother who turns 14 today. Since my sister is leaving home next week he will be the only one left at home and have to deal with this basically alone. Not only does he have mom to care for until she is strong enough to do much of anything for herself, but also the emotional fallout of the dad situation. There have been rather big problems for many years, but at least in the past there have always been at least 2 of us kids at home and mom was able to deflect it and shield us from the worst of the problems. (I realize the above may sound like there has been physical abuse, but I don’t know of any)
Things got so strained that I cried myself to sleep christmas eve and I think my mom did too. In some ways I wish I lived closer so I could help. In others I’m very glad to be a couple thousand miles away so I don’t have to deal with all of it. All in all, we got through the holidays mostly ok by playing the same pretend games we always have. Like I told my brother, “We’ve always put on a good show of being a happy family, even for each other.” I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m fed up with having to act like everything is ok and not talk about anything controversal but at the same time I don’t want to upset momma. There is so much more I could say, but I’m just emotionally drained at this point.
Is there a time you can talk about the controversial stuff with your siblings (and possibly dad) but NOT in front of your mom? Sometimes being the one to start airing the dirty laundry is hard, but everyone else winds up grateful to be able to drop the facade for a while.
I did talk with my sister a little, but we didn’t get very deep into anything. That’s how I found out that she’s ready to write him off. My next brother (the one in seminary) is really no help with any of it and with baby brother it was just better to try and keep things happy for. Talking to our dad will never happen. Mom even commented that she knew I hate the charades but she doesn’t know how else to deal with everything after so many years.
How do people deal with this stuff? I mean, are other families actually happy or is this pretend game common?
I can totally relate to what you’re going through, Antinor01. It’s only been a few years since my parents split up and that first Christmas after everything came out was terrible. The first Christmas day I spent apart from my dad was heartbreaking and I spent a good part of it crying.
Hopefully there will be some resolution to the situation. Obviously it doesn’t do anyone any good to pretend everything is fabulous when it’s not. I’ve seen this happen in families close to me and it ends up making things way worse in the end. Trust me on this. I’ve seen children of families like that turn to drug addiction, suicide attempts, alcohol, you name it. I’d give it a little time and then talk to your parents about it, either together or separately. Do you have an SO or someone else close to you (but not blood relative) who you could talk to? I found that to be very helpful when my parents got divorced. I never could have made it through it without my husband to vent to. If you don’t have someone and want to talk to someone who can relate, please feel free to email me. I’d love to help if I can.
The most important thing I learned was that I had to put myself and my relationship first. Just because my parents were divorcing after 40 years didn’t mean that my whole life was ending. I had to put myself and my husband first, and everyone else had to come second. As much as we’d like to sometimes, we can’t control our parents.
Sorry, Antinor01, that you have so much pain in your parents house, and sorry for your little brother still living with it.
Pretending is pretty common. I think it is by far the rule and not the exception in agonized families.
Maybe you can resolve things with your entire family, or maybe with some of it, perhaps with Dad gone at some point - it’s hard to guess.
But then maybe you have to leave them all and never see them again. There isn’t any reason you necessarily need to resolve things with them. In fact it is crazy to think that somebody else is automatically entitled to have a continued relationship with you. Should people like Charlie Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer have access to families? It always has to be contingent on some kinds of acceptable behavior.
It is much better for you to focus on living a good life yourself, acting out of kindness and love and always trying to remedy human suffering and not cause it, especially influencing very young and also desparately needy people, because they are so much more sensitive to influence.
If you have a brother 14, you are probably pretty young yourself, teens or twenties even. You should have a better family, a better base of operations, and you will need to make accomodations to work with what you have (whether that includes this family or no family). I am truly sorry about that; it can never be made right. The best you can hope to do is to leave things much better than you found them in life, in spite of this disadvantage. But you can still do much good. For what it is worth I wish you all the best and am hoping for you.
Pretending nothing’s wrong at Christmas is pretty common. It allows people to ignore their problems briefly in the hope that they can enjoy themselves a little. Talking to someone else about it forces them to acknowledge it. It’s usually not so bad, except when you’ve got a real live elephant in the room everyone’s walking around. I get the impression you’re not so upset about the fact of your parents’ breakup as the circumstances. All I can suggest is that you try to keep in contact with your brother, and make sure he knows he can talk to you when he needs to.