Well, I did manage, once, to stop an entire orthodontist’s office from talking for the rest of my visit. There were about three or four techs working on patients, and they were talking about Levi, my father’s former grad school roommate, our family dentist, and part owner of the building that the orthodontists’ office was in. I was about thirteen, or fourteen at the time, and I’d always enjoyed a good Levi story, so I was listening most intently.
The tech working on the guy next to me noticed that I seemed especially alert, and so asked me why was I paying attention? Did I know Dr. Rubenstein?
“Sure, he’s my dentist. My father roomed with him at grad school.”
Silence reigned, and tools were stuck back into my mouth before I could try to explain that my whole family would love a couple new Levi stories. :mad:
I was sittting in the break room at night, during a shift I’m normaly gone for. My brother’s exgirlfriend that married the shift production supervisor, is in the room. She brings him dinner befor bfore heading home to sleep. She proceds to enlighten us, “Your brother popped my cherry.” I really didn’t know what to say to that, and it happens to be said in front of the new husband. I guess both of them didn’t have a problem discussing it though, because I was the only one that gave pause. She gave about two more sentences of details, that I never wanted to know, ever!
Fortunately, not “many” - Unfortunately I do know two … both totally devastated (and now former Drivers …)
Being put into a position by the actions of some idiot where I must make the choice between killing the poor dumb schmuck with my truck or putting my rig in the ditch and taking myself out … (hint*)
Lucy
*Lucy’s Law: No one, not even an idiot, dies under the wheels of my rig!
The first time I met my girlfriend’s mother, I was searching for something to say, and for some reason commented that in many ways she reminded me of my favourite sister.
She looked a little confused, and maybe not sure she understood correctly. (She doesn’t speak English very frequently.)
My GF didn’t miss a beat, and totally dead-panned: “Tu ne savez pas? Larry couche avec sa soeur.” (“Don’t you know? Larry has sex with his sister.”)
My husband’s friend used to keep a mental list of bizarre sentences to say loudly to his companions when exiting an elevator, entering a room, or otherwise walking into a group of unsuspecting people. A couple of his classics were, “…and that’s why Cousin Balki was called a (emphatic airquotes) ‘Perfect Stranger!’” and “…so that’s how the rape victim learned the true meaning of Christmas.”
Wasn’t it you that had that Pit thread that turned into several pages of total kick-ass about a rig driver’s life? High on the list for Best. Thread. Evah!
I have two.
Once, when my current husband and I had begun very casually dating but were still tied up with paperwork of getting divorced from our (now) former spouses*
Guy: Are you guys married?
Us (at the same time): Not to each other.
*it was not an affair. all parties knew what was going in and it was all on the up and up. it was more a paperwork foot-dragging thing. and I obviously still feel guilty about it if I have to explain myself!
Second, more recently:
Why weren’t you at work yesterday?
I avoid the issue. Coworker presses.
Finally, I say: “Well, I had to get an HIV test and a counselor because I just found out my husband got some girl pregnant.”
Silence.
I was at my girlfriend’s (at that time) family’s house for some holiday that I cannot remember when her weirdo redneck cousin said in a way that was audible to everyone in the house, “I breast fed my baby until he was five” to no one in particular. She was not engaged in a conversation with anyone and just blurted it out of the blue. Everyone, and I mean everyone, stopped the conversations they were involved in and stared.
The fellow who was best man at my wedding was a true rake when we were in high school and college together. His favorite trick (which he pulled at our wedding reception, to my bride’s horror) was to tell of a seduction he’d allegedly committed, and end the tale with, “But that one got me into some serious trouble.” He’d pause a beat, making sure everyone was eagerly anticipating the reason for the trouble, then finish with, “In my own defense, any one of you would have thought she was 18, too!” He would then bask in the stunned silence. The man is just twisted.
My best friend dated my brother and they had a child together - DeNephew. They broke up but everyone remained friendly.
One day I was visiting bf when Brother came by to drop off their kid.
DeNephew accounced that they had just seen Scooby-Doo 2. Us grown-ups started talking, not paying attention to the little one. After a few minutes, DeNephew shouted “Velma kicked the Black Night in the balls and his head came off!”
We couldn’t talk for awhile, everyone was laughing.
I was at a party where I knew no one. Worse, there were a lot pretentious people there and was stuck talking to them. When I couldn’t take it anymore I said the first non-sensical thing that came into my head:
“And don’t get me started about those fucking Greeks…”[sup]*[/sup]
Total uncomfortable silence, then disbursement. The beauty is that they didn’t know if I was crazy or ‘in the know’. I have an obnoxious friend who now uses that line a lot.
[sup]It meant nothing. No offense to any actual Greeks[/sup]
