"What do you care, you shoe-polish smellin’ motherfucker?
I know what I’ll be watching tonight!
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? “Jedi” or “The Empire Strikes Back”?
Dante Hicks: “Empire”.
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: “Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets.
but my favorite single quote is
“Hey, I’m a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.”
I hated this movie.
I can’t for the life of me see why all you people get off on these obscure little tidbits from it.
(…buncha savages on this board…)
“Who’s driving the car? Bear Who Drives a Car!”
/since nobody was quoting the animated series
(…buncha savages on this board…)
[/QUOTE]
Actually, it’s
“Who’s driving?”
“OH MY GOD BEAR IS DRIVING! HOW CAN THAT BE?”
“Youwantthetruthyoucan’thandlethetruthshowmethemoney!”
I wanted to stick to the movie, since just about every line of the Animated Series is pure gold.
“Not Pikachu; Please Don’t Sue!”
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is just like you. He lo-o-o-oves grape soda. He knows what it’s like when they won’t take your… food stamps. Or when they’re late sending your welfare check. HEY! HO! HEY! HO! Thank you.”
“Why are we walking like this?”
“BIG AMERICAN PARTY!!!”
And, not a quote, but the funniest moment in all of Clerkdom is the animated bit showing Jay getting assassinated a la JFK in the limo, especially since the prior bit that introduced him in the limo was so stupid… turns out to be the setup for one of the best (and most awful) sight gags I’ve ever seen.
I’ve always liked this exchange:
Randal: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of them.
Randal: A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I’ll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante: Not just Imperials is what you’re getting at.
Randal: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they’d hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
or there’s always…
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron’s fist.
“She said she did all the work.”
She’s played by Kevin Smith’s sister, who also has a role in Chasing Amy.
From the animated series:
“Is it safe?”
“One of us!”
(Yes I know these are originally from “The Marathon Man” and “Freaks”, but they’re used to great effect in the series.)
“There’s a big bee out there!”
“Well played, Clerks.”
“Remember my cover story: I’m suing the government over some bad meat.”
“It’s FROZEN!” (the sound right before this line is absolutely filthy in context)
“Oh, my, something frightened that monkey.”
“Well that ruined the mood. Thanks a bunch.”
Candid Gamera is right, there are a lot of great lines in the animated series! Too bad it got cancelled.
RANDAL: Hey Caitlin… Break his heart again this time, and I’ll kill you. Nothing personal.
CAITLIN: You’re very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
RANDAL: Territoriality. He was mine first.
Don’t that motherfucker owe me ten bucks? You know, fuckin’ tonight, I’m gonna rip this fucker’s head, take out his fucking soul."
Oh Christ, how did I forget?
“What do you mean there isn’t any ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?”
Used that one all the time at McDonalds back in the day.
Randal Insubordination Rules.
(I should make a poster of that one and post it on my desk at work 
)
“You’re living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!”
Randall: (shouting out door of video store) You’re not allowed to rent here anymore!
Randall: I work in a shitty video store. I want to go to a good video store so I can rent a good movie.
Stupid video store customer: Oooo, Navy Seals! (the tone of voice for that line is wonderful)
Veronica: Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes.
Hey! I somehow became the fact-checker of the thread without posting my own favorite.
There’s really too many to list, of course, but this one I heard (not used, but heard some variation of from Annoying Customers) nearly every day for 7 years while managing a Blockbuster.
**
“Do you have that one - with that guy - who was in that movie that was out last year?”**
Pure gold. That’s when I knew the writer really was a video store clerk. No one else believes we really get asked questions that stupid on a regular basis.
RANDAL
Shit, if I’d known you were working, I would’ve come even later.
CUSTOMER
Do you sell hubcaps for a 74 Pinto hatchback? Oooh, mini trucker magazine!
DANTE: I’m stuck in this pit, earning less than slave wages, working on my day off, dealing with every backward fuck on the planet, the goddam steel shutters are locked all day, I smell like shoe polish, I’ve got an ex-girlfriend who’s catatonic after fucking a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six dicks.
RANDAL: Thirty-seven.