From someone who went from nearly nothing to an active dating life at age 30 (10 years ago), the answer is very simple.
Talk to them for a few minutes. If they talk to you like they don’t want to get away then say you need to go and ask them for their phone number.
It will be real obvious whether they like you or not. I think many guys don’t do this because they would like the illusion that she might be interested rather than finding out she isn’t.
omgosh Jack. Just looking at the first page from that other thread made me sad and afraid.
23 years?!!! and 37 Years?!!
My heart goes out to those people. And my heart goes out to you too!!! I’m not laughing at you at all, but now realize I have no reason to have been feeling cranky and sorry for myself lately (while the bf goes through an intense self improvement weight training course and has been too exhausted for love making or even any attention or affection for several weeks).
Commiserating hugs and best of luck!!!
Not hard to figure out at all actually. Just human nature.
First of all, whether people realize it or not, when they are really lonely they often give off “desparation” vibes, which of course will turn off everyone of your preferred sexual preference in a 90 mile radius.
Secondly, people are always going to want what seems to be difficult to obtain. So, somone or something that’s hard to get seems “rare”. And a person with a “f*ck it” air about them seems to be “hard to get”.
This is the sort of thing that women of much earlier times learned from girlhood on. Play hard to get. It’s stupid, it’s ridiculous, it can be manipulative.
But, the cold hard truth is, insofar as initial attraction (keeping your “prey” is another story), it works more times than not.
You know, there isn’t someone out there for everyone. A lot of people wind up alone, and that is not the worst thing in the world. I know damn well there isn’t “someone” for me, and I stopped pining about that years ago. I got other things to do.
Actually, he may have a bit of a point here. On “another board” we once had a long, Long running debate regarding whether women “craved” sex and lusted after men as much as vice versa.
The somewhat qualified answer was a “sort of”.
While women may find men as sexually appealing as men find us, we still as a whole (usual disclaimer regarding exceptions apply here) don’t feel as comfortable pursuing sex just to have sex.
Here are some of the reasons stated by the many women in the “great sexual desire debate”.
1.) Many men “penalize” us for enjoying sex for sex’s sake
(in other words that infamous "I go hot Layyyheyd, and you’re the slut that did me, kinda attitude, if we dare have “casual sex”)
2.) Many men don’t take the time in casual sexual encounters to make sure it’s “good” for the woman too.
3.) Society still has somewhat of a “good girls don’t” type taboo regarding casual sex.
4.) STDs, fear of unwanted pregnancy
So, with the reasons above (as well as many I’m sure you can think of) , it’s likely that women aren’t turning you down so much because they don’t find YOU attractive, but that the idea of “casual sex” has more cons than pros for many of us.
Not sure if that helps or not, but many my little 2 cents will help you all not feel so much as if “you aren’t good enough”.
CanvasShoes, I’m not looking for a quickie–I actually liked being married, and hope to do it again (get married, that is! well, the other thing too). I have to wait (for now) before developing any serious relationships, at least until society decides I have had a decent amount of time to “heal” from the trauma of the divorce. All I’m looking for is some friends to hang out with, talk to, etc. Whatever happens after that, happens. However, I wasn’t very good at meeting the opposite sex before I got married, and 18 years later it’s not gonna be any easier. That’s why boards like this are good–I can whine, bitch, brag, or just run off at the mouth without that sex thing getting in the way.
BTW, what is this “other board” of which you speak? (I thought there was only one!)
You must be fucking kidding me.
Eve, I know you mean well. I’ve had some friends say that to me…but what I’ve always felt was, “yes, that is not the worst thing that could happen, but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen to me.”
I had a bad divorce myself (didn’t want it, she was seeing someone else, don’t want to hijack any further), and instead of that experience making me want to give up on “the love of my life,” it has perhaps increased my efforts to want to do so. I don’t know that it will ever happen. It certainly won’t now, not with me revising a doctoral thesis over top of a full-time job. But I know there is the chance that it may. I’m not prepared to turn the light out forever.
LOL! Well, yes SDMB is the only “REAL” board, the other one is a little “advice” type board in a larger well known online community (one of the “McDonald’s” of communities, hehe) that I moderate with some other neat, kind and helpful people. We get into some interesting and heated debates regarding the old “battle of the sexes”.
Regarding the first thing? Yes, I agree and believe that many men “just want love” like a lot of women. My post was more in answer to those men wondering why they “can’t just get laid” to put it bluntly.
And also to why many women are more reluctant to make the first move. We (and usual disclaimer applies) generally feel a bit “vulnerable” as it is. A bit like “prey”. So, I think we probably tend to be a bit more cautious, picky, less likely to “rush in”.
LOL!, that is until the man has “made us comfortable” and then of course we want to be close and then that’s when the MAN starts running. And so on.
What a silly and awful game the battle of the sexes is, isn’t it?
Originally posted by Tony Montana
Theyr’e mid twenty’s I’m 33, I know of females/males my age who act the same.
Little snots!!! I’m sorry Tony, but it looks as if you know that they’re not representative of our sex. I know it hurts all the same though. Ugh, I’d like to slap the little brats to sleep!!!
Someone mentioned acting like you don’t care and that’ll bring people running. For me that has never worked out. See, I’m not the sort of person who wants someone who doesn’t want me. If it turns out he really did have an interest in me and was playing some damned game, then I surely didn’t want to be with him. Do confident, sane, nice men really want a woman pathetic enough to desire unobtainable men who treat them like crap? “Jump through these hoops I’ve made up and maybe I’ll date you” doesn’t sound like an ideal situation. Not to say that giving out desperation vibes is a turn-on either.
As for my advice --I know you’ve all been waiting-- I agree with everything DanielWithrow has written. Practice flirting, if it goes somewhere great, if not you’ve honed your skills a bit more. Date whenever the opportunity presents itself, get your friends to set you up, and don’t be too picky, shy or self-doubting since you can never tell how these things might turn out. You’re going through a tough spot right now, but it doesn’t have to be permanent unless you let it.
BadBaby–
I ALWAYS seem to want the ones who don’t want me!!