Comically inappropriate ideas for 9/11 holiday traditions

There’s been discussion over the last couple of years on whether or not September 11th should be made into a national holiday. Now the general idea is that it’d be a solemn occasion or an annual day of mourning. Now matter what it’d end up being outrageous potential traditions you can come up with? Think of things that are as far out in left field and in the worst possible taste you can. Stuff that would get you a black eye (or worse) if you say it in front of the wrong person.

Everybody builds (or buys) a model of the Twin Towers (about the size of an Xmas tree) and put’s it up in their living room sometime between the 5th of July and September 10th; then on the morning of the 11th at at 10 o-clock smash the towers. Old men could dress up like Osama bin Laden and hand out candy or toy airplanes (or candy shaped like planes) to children. Small children could bake gingerbread businessmen and take them upstairs and throw them out the windows. Carolers could dress up like Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty and go sing songs accusing their neighbors of being unpatriotic traitors. Everbody could wear American flag lapel pins. Pentagon cakes with one side smashed into rubble. People could decorate their yards with miniture coffins draped in little American flags while hanging a “Mission Accomplised” banner over their front door. Somehow combine bobbing for apples with waterboarding. My Pet Goat cartoon specials. A costume party where half the guests dress like soldiers and the other half are stipped naked and made to wear dog collars or lingerie.

Local department store-towel sale.

WTC pinatas.

Pin the airplane on the pentagon.

Jenga tournaments

Damn you, beat me to it.

Model rocketry using jet-style models. Minus the recovery parachutes. Bonus points if they land on someone’s house.

Happy 9/11!

Great ideas. Here’s my suggestion:

Have the date printed in marquees, coupons, advertisements, “September 11, 2001” instead of “September 11, 2009”.
Damn! It could have only worked today.

I can see the ads: Prices Are Falling! Everything Must Go.

I would suggest:

The Annual All-American Memorial September 11th High Dive Competition

One of my fondest childhood memories is opening my 9/11 presents under the family paper-mache towers. I loved seeing the little card saying “To: Larry. From: Rudy Giuliani” Of course even then I knew there was no such person as Rudy Giuliani, and I think my parents knew that I knew, but it was fun to pretend. Why spoil a magic family moment?

Foot Locker’s annual 9/11 sale: free box cutter with every sneaker purchase.

This feels like a good place to link to this: The Shark Guys’ Top 10 Celebrity 9/11 Conspiracy Theory Nut Jobs.

Hi boys and girls, I know you are all familiar with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, but have you ever heard the legend of:
.
.
.
.
.
. . . . Stewart, the 9/11 Squirrel?

One sunny September morning, Stewart was hippety-hopping at the foot of the World Trade Center Towers, enjoying his acorn. Then . . . . he heard a TERRIBLE explosion. Stewart took a moment from eating his treat to look up, and could not believe what he saw- THE TWIN TOWERS OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER CRASHING DOWN UPON HIM!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hours later, Stewart woke up, and what he thought was a terrible nightmare was indeed true- he was buried in the rubble of the World Trade Center towers! It was dark and lonely, but suddenly Stewart saw a light, and crawled through! HE WAS SAVED!

Stewart also realized another miracle— HE COULD FLY! As it turns out, in the wake of tragedy, a God-given miracle had happened, and in order to show his gratitude, Stewart the 9/11 Squirrel vowed that every year, between July 4 and September 11, he would fly all across America, handing out little American flags, lapel pins and other patriotic presents to all the good American children!

Legend has it that Stewart the Squirrel hibernates most of the year, but during that time he dreams up a list of all the patriotic and unpatriotic little boys and girls. He makes his no-fly list, and checks it twice (OK, I couldn’t resist that one).

Then, on July 4th, Stewart wakens from his slumber to begin the Merry and Patriotic Season! Often, you can see the 9/11 Squirrel at shopping malls, taking 9/11 gift requests from little boys and girls, and promising them such things as toy soldiers and guns, canned food, gas masks, and yearly subscriptions to National Review.

The patriotic little children, such as Little Johnny Smith of Platte, Nebraska, get little flags left under their pillows on 9/11 eve, AND if he has been a good Sunday school attending little American, maybe special “USA” bumper sticker by the fireplace.

But then— TSSSSK, TSSSSK, TSSSSK, there’s 8 year old Mohammed of Detroit, Michigan. We know he MUST not have been a good patriot this year. That’s OK, America, because Stewart has a SPECIAL surprise waiting for HIM under his pillow on 9/11 morning:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A pork chop!

Boys and girls, remember to listen to your Mommy and Daddy, and even though sometimes the 9/11 Squirrel you see at the mall, or ringing the bell in front of Wal-Mart looking for donations to The Birthers Society may sometimes look tall, or short, or skinny, or fat, it’s not a costume, not matter what your atheist, Liberal friends might tell you.

Believe me, kids, Stewart, the 9/11 Squirrel, just like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Amero, and Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, is REAL.

I like you, Stewart…

Copyright it before Rankin & Bass get hold of it.

So if we pick up Stewart, the 9/11 Squirrel, can we sing about what the queers are doing to the soil?

Life sometimes exceeds our imagination. I give you “Patriot Day” donut holes and cakes!

Commemorative Osama Bin Laden plushy dolls.

Skyscraper skeet shooting; dummies in business suits are launched out of high windows and people try to shoot them before they reach the ground.

Artificial fireplace logs shaped like the WTC towers. A video of a fireplace with two of them burning gets broadcast for all of the 9-11 anniversary on some channel, like the Yule Log broadcast. Play sounds of screaming and cries for help in the background, along with cheery upbeat music.

…and people give me grief for wearing orange on St. Patrick’s day. :stuck_out_tongue:

Some of us have already done that.