Meant to mention: I haven’t had co-workers like this, but I by God had relatives like this. They were Witnesses who came to every family Christmas, accepted gifts and filled their plates, took home leftovers, but wouldn’t sing carols or bring gifts because it was against their religion. They also never once turned down an overtime-check if they had to work on Christmas Day. (I think they will celebrate Thanksgiving since it’s mentioned in the Bible [not our TG obviously, but tg in general], but they won’t celebrate birthdays, take an oath [even in a court of law], or, of course, receive blood via transfusion all due to the revelations of a founder who used to predict the end of the World every sixth Wednesday [then said ‘God changed his mind’ every sixth Thursday]- weird sect.)
Or, perhaps, you can say something in an attempt to curb their offensive behavior and find that the entire atmosphere of the office is destroyed in acrimony and bitterness. There is a reason many people fear confrontation–it can lead to worse behavior than mere candy hogging.
I have been the keeper of the CCJ at both of my last jobs, and there was one reason for it - to improve my social life. I’m one of those bizarre beings who enjoys having others stop by and chat, and so I often stocked my CCJ with what I considered the good stuff.
I have pulled my jar twice in the past. The first time was because one coworker had uncontrolled diabetes and was grabbing handfuls every half hour. At first, my attitude was “he’s a grown up; it’s his choice,” but when he was in the hospital for over a week with an occult infection in his elbow that almost cost him an amputation and he mentioned that his optometrist said he was going to go blind in two years. Sorry, dude, but I’m not going to enable your self-destruction.
The second time was at the school where I teach, because a) the kids who took chocolate went super-hyper and b) one of the teachers started lecturing me about weight loss. (Never mind that she’d only seen me eat three Hershey’s kisses in two months and have been losing weight (albeit at a glacially slow pace), apparently the mere presence of chocolate will cause me to gain weight.)
My next teaching job will be at an Orthodox Jewish private school, and I don’t even know if chocolate is kosher.
So many people like this not only have no idea they’re doing anything socially unacceptable (“It’s candy, it’s free, I want free candy”) but when told have no notion they’ve done anything wrong. It’s an Asperger’s like thing.
Out of curiosity, do the candy jar pigs in your workplace have social skills outside of the candy jar?
What does this accomplish? Sure, if he catches the hint, great, everything’s hunky dory. But if he doesn’t, and I suspect he won’t, wouldn’t everyone just resent him more?, and where does that lead? To more unhappiness around the office? To a more acrimonious confrontation later?
I think a direct, assertive but not accusing confrontation would be more likely to deliver results, and won’t lead to the kind of resentment that him missing hints would lead to. Of course, the above advice is dependent on whether he really is an otherwise nice guy. If he’s actually a dick, I have no clue as to the best way to deal with it is. Though even then, subtle hinting is probably not the way to go.
Listen, at the end of the day it’s not really about the candy. We could, indeed, confront Steve and tell him that he’s being rude by taking handfuls of candy from a jar that he doesn’t contribute towards. And it would solve that immediate problem, but it wouldn’t solve the larger problem, which is his total ignorance, or perhaps obliviousness, of what constitutes fair play. It’s his total lack of self-awareness, which is something you cannot teach.
I mean, if you have to explain that it’s rude to use all the paper in the copy machine and not fill the tray to anyone older than, I don’t know, 8?, then it’s pretty much a lost cause IMO.
The behaviour of some people in every office never ceases to amaze me (and I’ve worked in A LOT of offices). You know that everyone working there is an adult, you can assume that they have some form of social skills and are aware that they are living in a society that has rules and etiquette and stuff, and there will always be people who eat too much communal candy, don’t refill the copy paper, don’t refill the coffee pot, eat other people’s lunches, make messes in the kitchens and leave them, steal from other people’s desks (personal items and office supplies), don’t flush the toilets after using them, leave pee on the seats of office toilets, don’t bring anything for potlucks yet eat what everyone else brought, etc., etc. I have never been able to figure out why these people do the things they do. Most people are great, but there’s always the one or two who just don’t seem to get how to behave.
That is still no excuse for passive aggressive behaviour. Like I said before, telling someone that it is not socially acceptable to grab handfuls of candy does not have to be confrontational. When said in a slightly motherly-scolding tone, “This is community candy, limit yourself to two pieces please” few, except for assholes who take everything personally, will see it as an insult and may even finally realise their faux pas.
Besides, let’s say the Pig takes it as an insult you tell him it’s not okay to take handfuls - if he’s in a power of position and takes it out on you, go to HR or whoever is responsible for handling staff conflicts. If you do not have an HR department or the bastard is being an asshole sneakily, deal with it if it comes up. Trying to predict the future and then basing your present action on it is not exactly a foolish thing to do all the time, but for this kind of situation, it is.
So what is going to happen is that this guy continues his behaviour because he lacks self-awareness, you change the circumstances (removing the candy bowl so he doesn’t get the opportunity to be a pig), and if he were to ever ask, you’d just be snarky and tell him it’s his fault no one else in the office will have candy ever again. Meanwhile, because he lacks complete self-awareness, he’s standing there wondering what the hell he did to piss you all off.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just fucking say “Taking so much candy is a no-no. There are others to think of”. No one is saying you have to be his fucking mother and re-teach him all the social grace that he lacks, but when he does something you find objectionable, whether it is horking up a phlegm ball and spitting it onto the carpet right by your feet, or taking too much from the candy bowl, these are things that need to be called out on and told that it is not okay. Bottom line is that while you and 99% of the population know it’s not socially acceptable, there is still that 1% that, for whatever reason in their zany brain, think it’s okay. So why not say something to him which will take you a maximum of 30 seconds and will possibly solve the problem? If it doesn’t, then fine - take the candy bowl away and it will not be passive aggressive behaviour because at least you told him exactly why the candy bowl is going to be removed before you remove it, and it’s up to him whether the bowl stays or not.
But that’s exactly what you are doing, too:
See how you’re trying to predict the future and then basing your recommendation on it?
We all can only go by our best predictions based on experience. It’s the only thing we have to go by. We can try to mine other people’s experiences, too, but we’re still attempting to predict, and shape, the future.
Chocolate is kosher. Most major brands of sweets in the US are specifically kosher, too. Look for the little U with a circle around it on packages. Sometimes there’s a D next to it. That means it’s kosher dairy.
I’m feeling like a jerk right now from snacking from the candy jar in my old office. Tell me if you think this makes a difference: the person who kept it didn’t actually work for our company - she worked for a vendor my company worked with and was their on-site representative. I always considered her candy jar to be like the candy baskets and other random stuff we’d get from other vendors at Christmas. It just so happened that this candy was year-round. Am I wrong, or did I sin egregiously by digging for the Almond Joys?
I’d give the guy a bit more credit than that. Maybe he needs to be reminded on a case-by-case basis of how to work and play well with others. At least give him a chance to correct his own behavior. If it doesn’t work, you can always take the candy away later.
If she was a vendor of the candy she supplied, then I’d say no. If she was like everyone else in the thread and kept her candy jar filled out of her own pocket and the goodness of her heart, then sorry, you were kind of a pig. But you know better now, and can move forward confidently into the future of communal candy!
Who said there has to be a knock-down drag-out fight over the candy jar?
A polite, “Steve, I’m glad you like the candy so much. Can you bring in a bag next time?” Repeat as needed. If it goes a few weeks without him bringing in replenishment candy (Oh, I forgot! :smack: ) then make a joke out of it…leave it empty. When he asks where the candy is, say, “You were supposed to fill it, remember?”
That was for Kyla, by the way.
But wouldn’t it be cool if there WAS? Especially Monday morning or Friday afternoon. 
Did you miss the part where I said
I try to avoid blanket statements as much as possible, because while it would be nice if all similar situations turned out the same, they don’t. One CCJ Pig might laugh and accept that he’s been a bit of a self absorbed fool; another CCJ Pig might be nasty and make the CCJ provider’s life hell even when it’s completely uncalled for. If it is known that the CCJ Pig is a mean, nasty asshole who will make the workplace hostile - then yes, confronting him is extremely foolish (and remember, the situation does not have to be confrontational or aggressive) but if the person is allegedly a “nice guy” like in the OP, then what excuse do you have for being passive aggressive?
Well, one of the advantages of being human is to be able to plan ahead and try to predict what will happen if we did one thing as opposed to doing something else. There is a difference between predicting the future responsibly and predicting the future with paranoia. I have a lunch date downtown today, but I am getting nervous about having to drive on such confusing and busy roads. Do I call and cancel because I don’t want to go downtown ever and silently resent my friend for having the audacity to suggest going to such a car busy place? Or do I call my friend and ask her if it’s okay to change the location because I just don’t want to deal with cars today?
If you do work in a hostile workplace where no one is friendly to anyone and asking someone politely to think of others and take two pieces of candy a day is considered confrontational - sorry, that really sucks for you. I guess I’m lucky enough to work in a place where I respect my superiors, but also expect them to respect me and the rest of the people in the office. When they don’t, I let them know it is not okay, why it’s not okay, and my expectation that it will not happen again.
Did you miss the part where you said:
I know that you want to paint others as foolish while you are wise, but at least be marginally consistent.
I also don’t consider removing a candy jar as “passive aggressive” behavior. I often wonder what people mean by that term, as it seems to encompass “any behavior I don’t approve of.”
You offer something. People abuse the offer. You stop offering. That isn’t “passive aggressive” under any definition of the term I’ve ever heard.
I’d put my money on Ellen. 25 years of pent up frustration vs. a guy who’s put on 25 pounds in the last 6 months…no contest!
If I were the owner of the CCJ, I might put up a cutesy sign or say something. But Ellen has specifically asked me not to. So I’ll content myself with bitching about him in Pit Threads.
How is the situation not passive aggressive when you offer something, someone abuses the situation, you stop offering, then when the person asks about it, you make him feel like scum of the earth without ever telling him you were unhappy about the situation in the first place?
From good old Wikipedia:
That is a big list, and the suggestions in this thread do not fulfill the whole list, but taking the candy away without first letting the CCJ Pig know, and then reaming him out and making him feel bad about it is passive aggressive. It’s a minor infraction when it comes to passive aggressive behaviour, but passive aggressive behaviour nonetheless. I’m not saying don’t take the candy bowl away, but either take it away and shut the fuck up about it henceforth, or let the Pig know what he’s doing and give him a chance to shape up. Don’t take it away and make him feel bad for something he had no idea he was doing wrong.
“This kind of situation” refers to the OP’s situation - she has said that he is a “nice guy”, and she’s given no indication that he is someone to respond with hostility. So what, exactly, would be wrong to ask him to cut it out in a firm but polite tone?
Oh man, I could really go for a knock-down drag-out right about now. 