Boy. Come on folks. Let’s have a crab-in. Just get all your complaints all out in the open.
I’ll start.
First of all…I live with two girls ok? And we’re friends…and sometimes we like to take baths together. Right? WHo doesn’t? What I HATE is when the UPS guy shows up RIGHT when we’re washing each other’s hair! And the doorbell is always broken so he has to walk right in. Don’t you hate that?
And I’m a nurse. So I go to work, I’m giving this guy a sponge bath, concentrating MOSTLY on his genitals…LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO…and all of the sudden, he’s tearing my clothes off! I don’t get it! Can’t I just clean your penis and be done with it? No…now I have to screw him in six positions before I can make my way to the next room.
What I can’t stand is the way my neighbors are ALWAYS playing this awful seventies boom-chicka-chicka-pow music RIGHT when I’m about to get frisky with a sexy lady plumber or cable repair girl that stopped by.
The walls are so thin it’s like Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are right there in the bedroom running the “wicky wicky wicky” machine.
Oh, and to my landlord: I appreciate the new track lighting but it’s WAY too bright. I feel like my bedroom is floodlit or something.
Onion flashback: Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?
Seriously though, a guy can’t have on a little waka-waka music in the background while trying to do his job as a pool-maintenance techinician without engaging in a three-way. I’m on a tight schedule here ladies, I can’t afford more than a little half-and-half or my boss will have my ass (but that’s another story).
You think you’ve got it rough?! Try being a librarian! Put the hair up, take the hair down, whip off the glasses…Not to mention trying to shush someone while giving him a blow job–it’s practically impossible.
And all that bending over while wearing short skirts and spiked heels to reach those books on low shelves can be so bad for your back. I just had to make an appointment with my sexy local chairopractor (but that’s a whole nother story
At the school where I work, when a parent comes in to discuss their child, they always want to change the subject to my penis, and how hot I make them. And the fathers always want to give me massages. Meanwhile, the students always seem to be flashing their privates at me from under their desks, and asking if their is anything they can do to improvetheir grades, and next thing you know, we’re going at it on the desk. What ever happened to just doing your homework? And how do all these girls afford breast implant surgery?
And don’t even get me started on the hole in the faculty men’s room wall!
So my friend and I went shopping right? For bras, right? And, here’s the sick part…we got LOCKED IN to the lingerie shop. What the hell? So we’re stuck there all night…with nothing to do…I figured, let’s perform oral sex on each other…right?
I hate when I’m trying to deliver a pizza, and the customer (usually a sexy lady in a robe) suddenly realizes she has no money to pay me. So instead, she drops to her knees and gives me a bj.
C’mon lady! My boss is going to fire me if my till comes up short one more time. You think pizzas grow on trees? You think if I didn’t need the money, I’d be on a pizza route?
So my new female boss is interviewing for a new PA – she’s down to three candidates. Apparently I have to help her check that they’re “up to the job”. When she’s down to two, she’s arranged a “head-to-head” test for them.
Modern business practices. Tsk!
jbj - what a good game – I’m going to play it everyday from now on.
I’m trying to pledge the sorority that my mom was in, and her mom before her, and her mom be-. . . well, ok, you get the picture. So I put on my sweater set and short skirt and went to the house. And the girls are nice, right? Until they start smacking me on the ass, ripping off my brand new thong and making me fellate a rubber penis. Geez, the Greek system is in serious decline.
I’m sick of being treated like a piece of meat. I worked damn hard to become a prison guard and I deserve some respect. There are twice as many rules and regulations for women’s prisons and I had to learn them all without any help from anyone. No, these handcuffs are not toys.
Oh yeah, and the mink oil keeps the leather covering on the billy club from drying out and cracking. I have to pay for equipment myself you know, same thing if the buttons “accidentally” get ripped off my shirt. Show a little class, ladies.
Think prison guards have it tough? You should try working on a construction site sometime. Why, only the other day I was happily climbing back down my ladder after finishing the first-floor socketry and, goshdurnit, I managed to back right onto the foreman’s fist. I’m telling you, it took some serious oiling and pumping to get that mutha out.
It’s gotta be a serious Health&Safety issue, I was walking funny afterwards for, ooo, whole minutes.
So I’m in my roommate’s walk-in closet to borrow a dress from her, when she and her boyfriend walk in and start having sex on the bed! I was so embarrassed, in that closet wearing nothing but my bra, thong and platform heeled sandals!
And is it my fault that I got all excited watching them through a discreet crack in the door? When my date came in to find out why I was running late, he was pretty shocked to find me there with a naked man and woman! Fortunately, I was able to calm him down by inviting him to have some group sex with me and my roommate, while her boyfriend watched. Whew!
I mean, what kind of world is it where burglars like myself cant break into a sorority dorm for a little theving without ewnding up gangbanging 4 nuible young gymnasts?
I don’t know how many times I have to tell the flight attendants: NO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ON THE FLIGHT DECK! Not to mention that the cockpit is really small. Geez ladies, wait until we land.
The lace around the ankles of my bobby sox is giving me such a rash. And I can’t help feeling like I’m making a fashion mistake by always wearing them with my high heels.
My boyfriend isn’t any better. He hasn’t taken his watch off in years.
So I invent this time machine out of two lawn chairs, a pizza box, some tin foil and an old VCR remote control.
I’m travelling back to various time periods trying to gather information on the locals, and everywhere I went, there were these sluts who wanted to perform oral sex on me and have intercourse…first the cave women, then the romans, then the Renaissance wenches, and don’t even get me started on the ladies of the Old West.
So much for science. Maybe the ladies of the 23rd century will be interested in something besides spreading their legs.
