Guys: does everything have to be a dick-measuring contest? Business dealing that have to include otherwise useless acsessions (what David Mamet calls the “Plus, I get to strangle your daughter’s kitten” clause); salesmen who waste time while closing deals to squeeze out a few dollars that would be earned exponetialy if they were developing other deals; guys who have to reach that red light before you do if their lives are to have any value. And if a grown man was as ungracious a victor as the E*Trade baby in this ad, I’d open up the back of his head open with my least expensive club.
Why the hell can’t you remember birthdays and anniversaries?
You can remember sports stats going back decades (some when you weren’t even born) but you can’t remember Jr.'s birth date and he was just born one year ago.
I don’t give a flying fuck about sports or at least more than a passing interest in the sport in general. The NFL is cool and I like the Patriots and I root for the Red Sox if something prompts it but don’t ask me any stats about individual players. Where I come from, there is a word for people that obsess about people they don’t know and try to find out as much about them as possible on a daily basis. I am not really into that and, if I was, the target of my interest would certainly have one less dick than I do. Just sayin…
If you’re going to have penile-vaginal sex, there is a slight with a woman who has not had her ovaries removed, it is conceivable you’ll know her up no matter what precautions you take. Deal with it. I know you think it’s unfair that she is the one who gets to decide whether the pregnancy goes to term, but you’re not the one who’ll have to carry the baby; the situation is inherently unequal.
Man up. If you get a woman pregnant, even if you’ve known her for 15 minutes prior, support her emotionally and the kid financially. If you don’t want to take that risk, find another way to get your rocks off. At the very least, only have sex with women you can see yourself being attached to for 19 years.
Ladies, if you invite me to a party at my house and tell me to bring my checkbook, guess what. It’s not a party. I am not interested in buying overpriced toys, Tupperware, cooking utensils or baskets. I don’t wear makeup, so I have no need for a “free makeover”. (I was made right the first time, thankyouverymuch.) And please don’t take it personally when I decline your invitation. It’s not about you. Really. I just don’t want to buy stuff. OK?
Women, I will not go clothes shopping with you. It’s not that I don’t like you, I like you fine. I just hate shopping. If we must shop, I can browse in an art supply, specality foods, or book store for about 30 minutes, and then I’ll probabaly start getting cranky.
Girls: “I didn’t know he was married” and “he’s not married to her” and “he lives with someone but they’re not getting along”, oh and what was the other one, “they’re going through a divorce” doesn’t make you somehow superior to another friend who’s fucking a married man, it just means you’re swallowing more bullshit.
OK, guys? With a very few exceptions I really don’t like watching sporting events live. Please quit asking me to go to them.
Football on TV is interesting because you get to see the strategy of the play. Football live just looks like a random set of collisions. Yes, I know it’s the same play.
Watching a golf tournament on TV you get to see every interesting shot on the course - both the good and the bad. Watching a golf tournament live means the you get to see four shots every ten minutes - and then you get to wait for the next foursome to wander up the fairway.
…and don’t even get me started on watching baseball games live.
I despise shakedowns disguised as parties, and I loathe shopping as a hobby.
Fellow estrogen factories of the world: Please understand that I mean absolutely no disrespect whatsoever if I don’t want to spend the entire gathering with you talking about your babies/children and their respective illnesses, clothing issues, play dates, school problems, etc.
I don’t have children (by choice) and while I can definitely be interested in your life and your children for a period of time, after 30-45 minutes if the conversation hasn’t moved on to something else? I’m finding the guys who are talking about football, which I can talk about for longer than I can be interested in diapers.
Aslo - Yes, I know having children is massively difficult and time-consuming (hence my choice to remain selfishly unchilded), but surely there’s something, ANYTHING, that you’ve read or heard about on the radio or seen on the TV that’s got you thinking outside of your child bubble? You didn’t lose your opinion-making apparatus when you gave birth, so I really want to hear - what do you think about the latest [whatever]?
(I realize that’s going to be taken as anti-child, and believe me, it’s not. I LOVE my friends’ children, and they, me. But I can’t focus on just them for the entire length of a get-together).
Ladies, telling me how many stitches your twat needed after delivery, telling me things are only going to get worse, telling me labour will be the worst pain of my life, telling me that I will hate my husband and want to kill him, telling me stories about things gone horribly wrong with cords around necks and oxygen being deprived, and sick, unhappy babies - these things are not helpful.
If you would like to share stories of short, painless births with happy results, be my guest. Otherwise shut your fucking mouths, bitches.
Women, what the hell are you doing in the bathroom? I really have to go and I can’t understand why it takes every other woman ten minutes to do what I do in about 30 seconds. I’m sick of waiting in the slow-as-a-turtle women’s line while the men zip in and out as they please.
Really, it’s simple. You pull down your pants or hike up your skirt, sit on the toilet, do your thing and wipe. Okay, so some of you are on your period. It still doesn’t take half an hour to change a tampon! Pull, toss, unwrap, stick it in. Maybe that takes another 30 seconds. That leaves us with no explanation for what you are doing in that stall for the other nine minutes. I know you are not all taking a dump.
Actually, I know what you are doing. You are lining the seat with toilet paper like a princess. You are sending off a text message to your boyfriend. You are touching up your lipstick and finagling the dress you bought but don’t know how to wear. You are sneaking a few puffs of your cigarette and giving your cell phone another check. You are taking a few seconds to re-arrange things in your inexplicably duffel-sized “purse.”
You know what? Stop! I’ve got to piss. The toilet is the only acceptable place I can make that happen. Go do whatever non-pissing bullshit you have to do somewhere else.
When you tell me, “Man, you’re so lucky to be gay! You don’t have to deal with women’s drama, and their bullshit, and their mind games…” what that tells me is that you have obviously never dated other men. Take it from me, we more than hold our own in the drama/bullshit/mind games department.
Men: Honestly – is it so fucking hard to not pee on the floor in front of a urinal? The receptacle is right there. Point blank range! You’re holding your fucking penis and can aim it! How the hell do you miss???
Broads, I don’t give a fuck about your babies. All babies look alike, and none of them have ever said anything interesting. The only thing I find more boring than your babies are your pets. Why do chicks like talking about things whose shit they have to clean up so much?
I had a short, painless birth with happy results napped between contractions for hours before we left for the hospital, got checked in quickly, nurses and doctor were great, very little real pain, beautiful baby boy two hours later.
napped between contractions for hours before we left for the hospital, got checked in quickly, nurses and doctor were great, very little real pain, beautiful baby boy two hours later.