Computer things you should NOT do.

The best thing about laptops is that you can set them down anywhere if you need to use both hands for something. At airports, libraries… Anywhere!

CPU box and monitor may double as boat anchor in a pinch.

Use the computer during a lightning/electrical storm to find the weather report. Make sure to use an ungrounded outlet. It is recommended you be surfing the internet on a DSL connection too. DO NOT USE a surge supressor unless you want to wreck the thing.

When receiving computer support over the phone, go off on wild tangents and do things not requested of you. You know better than that silly IT guy anyway.

Use rich text format to make all your emails purple. On a system where every computer defaults to RTF.

(A senior manager above me does this. And wonders why her ‘monthly updates’ aren’t taken too seriously.)

If you need to replace hardware, like a harddrive, memory, or video card, make sure to do it while the computer is running. That way, you’ll know right away if what you did worked or not!

The power strip where you plug your computer in gives you some handy outlets for a coffee maker, a microwave, a toaster, a fridge, and a space heater, so you can be caffeinated, fed, and comfortable while surfing.

Go into the BIOS and turn on the option that causes the CPU to power off when it gets hot. :frowning:

(Now my computer won’t boot up at all.)

Set all your computer sounds to something cute and amusing, and turn the volume up to maximum so everyone else can enjoy it, too.

Be sure to use festive colors for your Christmas/Hanukkah letters, and include lots of large images. Your family members who have limited space in their webmail accounts won’t mind, and everyone will enjoy the colors and the pictures.

GorillaMan works for The Grapist! :eek:

Install any extra toolbars that you can, reducing the IE window to one-third its usual size.
Wonder why the above computer runs so slowly. :rolleyes:

Don’t look up anything at all on, no matter how many times someone returns you a story you’ve passed on with the link to the story de-bunking it. Research is for chumps.

This site has many suggestions of fun activities to do with your computer.

Oh, forgot an important one - make sure you NEVER back anything up. Computers are pretty reliable these days; what could possibly happen?

Call your sister, the computer engineer, for tech support and then insist that everything she told you is wrong, your computer cannot be infected with spyware, it is possible to reinstall Microsoft Word using your Windows XP CD-ROM, and that you don’t understand why your sister can’t give you one of them Intar-Web address thingies instead of you getting one from your ISP.

Install…Bonzi Buddy.

Yes, backing up takes way too long. It’s much easier and quicker to do a format and re-install.

Data shmata.

Matter of fact, you should always install every single extra piece of software when prompted to do so, otherwise the principle software you’re trying to install wont work right.

You know those special, secret Windows dialog boxes that are in webpages? Go ahead, click them. They’re a new Microsoft feature. Because we’re legitimate.

Yes, even if you’re running Windows XP, and the dialog box looks suspiciously like Windows 98, click it. Because we’re legitimate.

A new feature is the vibrating dialog box. You know, to get your attention. Because we’re legitimate.

Any device that requires power and a data connection to your computer should get its power and ground from a separate outlet than your PC – this establishes a “ground loop” and makes sure that your home’s ground pins are all at the same potential. Running them all off of a single power strip or UPS doesn’t use your computer’s internal power-balancing ability to its fullest extent!

On your first day on a new job, send all your new co-workers an e-mail introducing yourself - an HTML message containing several 100K clip art images. Make sure you use several different fonts and colors. Bonus points if your co-workers all use text-based e-mail readers on Unix workstations. (New secretary at my grad school did this a few years ago.)